A lot on my mind. Trying to organize it all, but I don’t think I’ll be able to get out everything. I never really do. It was a brutal first week. But not in the way I expected. The commute is the worse by far. Get up at 5 get to the office at 8:15 leave at 5:15 and get home at 8. Going to rent a car for this week. It will cut that commute in half easy. The job itself was actually not too bad. Best one of these I’ve had so far. […]
School ended two weeks ago. Barely passed the one class I was in and didn’t hit my goals for my thesis. Fairly predictable outcome. I got to go home for a week which is nice. I always get short tempered when I’m around my family. I just got so used to being on my own that having to plan around other people gets annoying. I really shouldn’t be though. My parents were really happy to see me again. Been almost half a year since they did. Wish I wasn’t and can be happy around them, but […]
So presenting yesterday wasn’t too horrible. For one thing my advisor was busy so he didn’t show. The other labmates who were there didn’t seem as judgemental as I normally percieve them to be. They actually gave good feedback. Something even more unexcpected happened and my team members helped out when I had a hard time explaining my thought process. CLARA is my main project with it being the focus of my thesis, so the others only really offer input from time to time. Lizzard is where we all try to work on toghether, but that’s been kind of […]
So I updated my team mates and advisor that I didn’t hit my deadline. He didn’t say much but said that my design probably wouldn’t work. I’m not really sure what to expect anymore. It seems like every turn I make I end up just face planting. I never think things through. I wish I did but I never do. I really don’t know how this is supposed to end. Wish I did, but I don’t. Presenting on Tuesday. That’s going to be extra fucking painful. Don’t know why I bother. Recently I told […]
I think about this one line from Fioana and Cake alot about how life is a cycle of learning and unlearning and learning again. I don’t know why that just really stuck to me. I think I have regressed. I was in a place where I was somewhat efficient and felt like I was somewhat comfortable with everything. Now it feels hard to be in the same room as some of my labmates. Like I physically can’t stand it. I need to be alone in the lab. So instead I run away from my problems. Like my […]
I think after a while you start to recognize patterns in yourself. Ticks that you see in your own behaviour. So when bad things happen you are more aware of how you handle them. Thinking back to a year ago where I was doing everything in my power to avoid the lab and my teammates and how I was so sure that I would flunk out after my first semester. That same sort of detachment and flight instinct I seem to have at the end of every semester. But I feel like I’m rounding a curve where things are going […]
I can’t really make sense of my mind. It has bizarre quirks to it that make life so much harder to live. Obsessions that I can’t get over. Irational fears that hold me back. Nonsensical dreams and idiotic personality ticks that end up screwing me. I think the worst part of it is that I am at least somewhat aware of all this. Got little less than a month left. And my stupid fucking robot is still not done. I’m procrastinating even now. Man am I screwed. I can tell everyone thinks so to. […]
There’s a lot of sayings about how you don’t realize something’s bad until it’s too late. Like slowly boiling a frog or something. Or not realizing you might drown until the water reaches your knees. Things haven’t been so bad. I haven’t really felt it until this week. I thought I managed to get a hang of all this grad student stuff, but then I step back and look at it and the only thing that rings in my head is “you don’t belong here”. Over and over and over again. I know it. Everyone in the lab […]
Got through more than a 1/3 of Jameson but less than a half. Comfortably numb. Still haven’t talked to my friends. Don’t really plan to anytime soon. Just feel no reason to talk to them. Did 2 interviews for an internship for amazon. I think it went well. Got nothing to complain about. Except the sprain. Other than that, I’m all good. Still think about her. Wish I didn’t. Wonder when it will stop. Flipped to see if i should call her. Landed on heads of al things. Doesn’t mean […]
Went to the orthopedist today. Good news is whoever read my x-rays was wrong. I don’t have a fracture. Just a sprain. Pretty happy about that. Doesn’t change that my ankle hurts like hell, but I don’t need to be afraid of worsening a fracture in my foot. Things have been ok. Not horrible. Just ok. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. I was doing great with only thinking about her sometimes. But I’ve had her on my mind a lot lately. Been bummed about that. Drinking right now. […]
I’ve always had bad luck. Always. God know he loves fucking me over. Yesterday I wake up early, 8 am, and think for a moment about skipping my 9 am class. I push through. The day before we got lots of snow. So of course, because God never misses a chance to fuck me over, while walking to school I slip on some ice and sprain my ankle. Fuck you too. I limp the rest of the way to school. Realize that it’s worse than I want to admit, I uber back to my apartment, grab […]
Don’t have much to talk about. Haven’t made any headway on my thesis. Never really get anything done during the day. Rather just spend it don’t nothing but screwing around. This is totally end well. For some reason I’ve been feeling a bit happier, but it feels weird because I know I shouldn’t. Been cooking a lot more. Got chicken marinating for fried chicken tomorrow. Had baked fish today. It’s kind of nice to try and see if it turns out well.
Realized I’ve stopped thinking about her as much. Still think about it […]
Just a dumb update. We had a lab meeting today. Of course I still felt like the dumbest one in the room. I could feel the judgement. The mixture of disgust, pity, and just pure contemptuous stares. Felt like I didn’t belong. I just don’t. That’s kind of it. I know I don’t. They know I don’t. Just tired pretending like I do. I guess one nice point is that my advisor that my ideas weren’t half bad when I brought them up in the smaller team meeting. That upped my confidence a […]
Yesterday I went to the barcade I frequent. First time since getting back from home. I’ve been there more than a dozen times. Some of the bartenders know exactly what to get when I walk up to get a drink. But for some reason I was nervous. I usually just go and drink and play and then leave. I brush my teeth and put on deodernt on the off chance I might actually meet someone there. I never do. This time though, I felt the need, for whatever reason, to really clean up. I shaved, took […]
Things aren’t so bad right now. Not particularly great, but not bad. They will be though. I know that. I started my Thesis this semester. It’s already the 3rd (technically 2 and 1/2) week and I have done jack shit. I got a year, but I know I’ll fuck it up even more so if I keep procrastinating. Just don’t have the motivation. Been sleepling like 10 hours a day. Just can’t get my ass up. Set 4 alarms and I just shut off all 4. It’s a pain. Only got 1 class, […]
I wanted to be alone when it happened. When the clock rolled over to 3:14. I went outside and took a walk through the neighborhood. Eventually I sat on a curb. I listened to one more song. I’ll talk about it later. I watched my phone as it ticked over. I said outloud, “I should have killed myself by now.” I said it twice. There was no point in saying it outloud. I just wanted to. I didn’t feel any better or any easier. It just felt hollow.
I woke up at […]
I was curious. Real curious. That extremely brief window when everyone was out of the house, I tried to open it. I tried the usual password, my birthday, and my brother’s birthday. He had foresight. My parents have known I was suicidal since Highschool. Of course he’s going to have a passcode I don’t know. I wasn’t going to do the deed. I was just curious. Wanted to feel the weight of it in my hand. I thought about trying some more, but I’m afraid it will permanently lock and alert him someone tried to […]
Worst Hell Week hands down. Absolute worst. One project went fine. The other was a disaster. Couldm’t get the code finished no matter how hard I tried. My CS minor is completely worthless. Can’t code for shit. Any half competent programmer could knock out what I was trying to do in an afternoon. My dumbasss pulled 2 allnighters trying to get it to work. So we submitted a half baked program, report, and presentation. I got a 75 on the midterm so it will be an absolute miracle if I get a C and […]
Drank a 6 pack in a matter of hours. 12 oz 9.5 ABV. I threw up. Didn’t know when to stop. Just kept going and going. God’s a cocksucker. He puts us on this earth to fuck with us. Only damn reason. Can’t take a shower. Too cold. Another reason why he’s a cocksucker. Sobbering up a bit. Just a bit. The acid in my nose hurts. Gargled mouth wash to soothe my throat. still hurts. Just want to take a damn shower. Can’t even allow me that. What a […]
Today was really the big day. Two presentations. Not a lot in the grand scheme of things. But still. First one went bad. Like pretty bad. We didn’t really have anything to show. Our code wouldn’t work. Of coarse it won’t if you just started programming last Wednesday. You could tell the prof wasn’t happy. He did cut us some slack,said that things like this can be hard, but there’s no way we are getting anything higher than a C. That’s for the presentation though. The paper is separate and due Thursday. […]