My brain is a fucking paradox. This is not new to anyone who reads these (not many). As much as I spent most of my life drowning in all the noise of hopelessness and self hatred and nihilism, I’ve also spent a lot of it making up pointless fantasies. Delusions of being something or being with someone. Hopes and dreams and all that idiotic shit. It was delusions that made me apply to grad school. It was delusions that made me still message her after she stopped talking to me a year and half ago. It was delusions […]
I had a “conversation” with Chat GPT of all things. Because I’m lonely and have literally nobody else to talk to. At least about stuff I want to talk about. I tried explaining my thought process. How I got from A to B to C. Asked how it was even possible. Asked what that even means. I told it about the anchor and the broken tool analogy and the contradiction between having a fluid definition of life but a rigid stance on it. Apparently it’s called “Existential Exhaustion” or something. I’m not sure if it made […]
I was able to cut myself. I wanted to see if I was serious about this. I just needed some sign. It was with the box cutter in the toolbox. Of course I tried to do more and pointed it at my throat. Couldn’t do it. Such a meaningless show for nobody. I shorted 3 voltage regulators. 3. The pieces are so braindead simple. Just 4 wires that need to be soldered. But of course I can’t even do that right. I don’t know where the short is. I checked but couldn’t […]
My project is at a standstill. I think I have a workaround for one of my problems, but that still doesn’t completely solve it. I have to rely on the kindness of strangers. My teammate forgot he said he’d look at the motors. I had to remind him as he was leaving. He took them with him. He said he would be out of town this weekend. The likelihood of it getting done is slim. I didn’t think I needed to be over his shoulder to make sure it gets done. The underclassman was too busy […]
The pressure on my head has lessen a bit. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to work on the bot for the past few days. I’ve been waiting on the help of others to get things done. An underclassman who knows how to solder on a PCB and one of my team mates who can help me explain the weird behavior of some of the motors. I tried using the PCB I soldered once more and got another blow out. Of course. Then I try one more time to solder another put it just ended up a […]
Now that’s comedy. My school has these mental wellness days every few weeks or so. Basically just a holiday. Didn’t even realize it until today. Guess where I was? In the lab working. This robot refuses to work on every level. And it’s killing me. Even if my PCB hadn’t burned out I probably still wouldn’t have made it. I’ve spent pretty much every day working on that fucking machine. An undergrad who is doing a project sponsored by our lab asked me if I ever leave that place. That’s how bad it is. […]
If you are easily offended by matters of a sexual nature, go ahead and skip this post (not like anyone reads these anyways.) Also on the off chance that you are reading this, could you please skip this post sinner? I don’t want you to think less of me, and you definitely will if you read this.
I am just blowing money on p*rn. Like down the tubes sort of stuff. I would occasionally splurge here and there and alot if things were real bad, but it got kinda bad when I got my internship. Which is fine because I got […]
Just stalling again. Last week I said I had to present on my progress, but I was mistaken. It’s this week. And I’m in a worse position than when I was last week. Funny how that works itself out. I’m starting to feel more sick when I’m around the other lab assistants. It used to be that I got sick just by being in the lab, but when I’m there by myself I feel fine. My inferiority complex is doing a number on my body. I think I stared at one of them too long. They […]
Shorted the last PCB I had. No chance that I can make the deadline now. I was working late at night. Around 9:30. Everyone was already gone. I thought that if I really tried and spent the time that things would turn out all right. But it’s been one failure after another. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I walked home crying. Trying my best not to catch anyone’s attention walking by. I had to talk to someone. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Texted those dumb crisis hotlines. Told them the whole […]
Needed to let out a bit more of my head. Someone asked on here if I was self sabotaging. I don’t really know what he meant by that or how to respond. If he’s asking if I do things that end up fucking me over, than yeah I do that. Most times I don’t mean to with the intention of having it fuck me over. I don’t really know. Had a conversation with a girl from my lab. Told here that I might not make deadline and was trying to figure out how to tell our advisor. […]
I’m not doing too hot. I’m actually in excruciating pain. I present my progress tomorrow. The robot isn’t done. I spent the last few weeks working on nothing but the project. That’s a lie. I’ve spent a lot of it goofing off. Every second I spent playing games could have been spent on the project. I spent around 14 hours yesterday trying to assemble it. No dice. Any idiot with half a brain could have done what I did in a few hours. It’s killing me. The stress. I can feel myself […]
A lot on my mind. As usual. Trying to figure out how to say it all. Probably won’t. Best place to start is probably the new medication. Had my psychiatric appointment this past Wednesday. Told him the usual spiel. Anxiety, fear, the feeling of not belonging etc etc etc. Somehow it eventually get around to maybe my anxiety is as bad as it is because I can’t focus. He floated the idea that I might have ADHD. Of course I couldn’t help but make a face which he noticed. He admitted that it’s “popular” […]
And that’s why it really hurts. Radiohead. This is one of those times where I feel like I need to let it out but don’t really know what to say. Still feel like I’m drowning. Still feel like this doesn’t end well. Still can’t stand to look them in the eye when I talk. It’s not going to end well. It really isn’t. The thing is, I do it to myself. Nobody else to blame.
Shouldn’t a person be able to choose their own ending? That thought keeps popping up in my head again and […]
Week was as unproductive as usual. The Tuesday meeting was pretty bad. My advisor tried to reiterate that he wants me to submit a paper by October. Seemed to be annoyed that I still haven’t built my stupid fucking robot by now. I hesitated when he asked if I can get it done. Just didn’t have the heart to lie like I normally do. Could tell he wasn’t happy with my hesitancy. The thing is he isn’t even asking a whole lot. Any person who had half a fucking brain could probably do it. Too bad […]
So I talked to my advisor. Turns out he won’t be gone all semester. Just all of September. It’s always such as strange conversation. It starts out so hopeful than you can tell he gets more and more disappointed as time goes on. I’m just glad it wasn’t in person. This weekend was a bust. Couldn’t muster the energy to wake up early and ended up waking up at 11. Been avoiding like I always do. It teeter totters back and forward to thinking it will be ok to thinking that there’s no way out. I can […]
I’ve been home since Tuesday. To see family before school starts. My internship ended on the 9th. So that gave me a few days to sort stuff out before I had to travel. I go back this Tuesday. In those short few days I kinda avoided the lab. Too ashamed that I didn’t meet my goal again. So talking to my advisor was going to be painful. Of course that was a bad move. Turns out he’s on sabbatical this semester. So before he leaves I need to talk to him or it will be […]
I present my half baked paper tomorrow. Still getting comments that I did things wrong. Typical. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous. Even though logically I really shouldn’t be. I decided already that this whole thing was a bust so a good presentation or a bad presentation shouldn’t really make any difference. I just really don’t like talking in front of anyone. The most important thing is that I don’t look too defeated when they pull apart every detail of my paper. Need to know how to take criticism. Regardless of […]
Lot on my mind. As usual. Next week is my last week for my internship. I came into it expecting to fail, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Last month or so I’ve just been working on a stupid report that bores me to fucking tears. Last week or so been dicking around more than usual because I can’t be bothered to try anymore. My mentor has gotten to the point where all he can say about my report is that it is “readable”. I can tell he’s already sick of me. I tell myself that […]
Needed to take a moment. At work right now. It’s her birthday today. Said I’d call her after losing a bet with myself. Pretty sure it’s just an excuse. Still haven’t done it. Teetering back and forward. One part pulling me in one direction, another illogical part pulling me in another. Every rational part of my brain says not to. That it’d be pointless to try. Just re opening scars that haven’t fully closed yet. She’s gone. Got to accept that. The other part of me makes no sense. Part of […]
Things have gotten better. My bad luck finally leveled out. I got my van back after 3 fucking weeks. I moved into my place. My dad went back home today. Things are stable enough to allow me to start buying parts for my PC again. Even though I failed my intern project, something was worked out to where now all I have to deliver is a report. Bores me to fucking tears, but I should still try to make it good. Kinda phoned it in last week and spun my wheels. Can’t afford to do that, […]