JiminyCrispies

Someday you are all going to walk into school. And I won’t be there. And you’ll all think I’m sick or something

But then you’ll all be called into an assembly.

The police found my body at my house.

I had committed suicide.

You’ll all think they’re lying, or that I’m in hospital somewhere recovering. But I won’t be. I’ll be gone.

And then you will all go to class. Some of you might be crying, some of you might be sobbing, and some of you might be dazed. Not because you were my friends, but because none of you did shit to stop me.

And you are all going to have to […]

To be fair, to sum it all up I am simply just a lonely teenager who is loved by none, has many things wrong with her mental stability, obsesses with too many bands and unreal things, is addicted to self harm, has attempted suicide that many times I can no longer count them all on my fingers, drinks way too much coffee and alcohol, and reads too many band fanfictions.

And all I can do when I read that over is stare blankly at the laptop screen.

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but sometimes that problem isn’t so temporary.

You promised you’d be there for me. You promised you’d help me. You promised not to let me drown.

I knew I shouldn’t have believed you. I knew I shouldn’t have been so gullible. You don’t want me anymore. You just want to be ‘friends’ now. But you and I both know that won’t happen. You and I both know we won’t really speak anymore. You and I  both know you’ve given up on me.

You’re not here for me. You’re not helping me. You’ve let me drown.

If you couldn’t even handle a month of being with me and trying to help, how can I handle a lifetime […]

I thought I’d actually post something positive for once. A year today I have been a vegetarian. Ys. Go moi. And also, seeing as it’s my birthday, some people have decided to acknowledge me. Wow.Besides things I hear in my head and the shit I see, because sadly these kinds of problems don’t take holidays off,, today has been reasonably okay. Makes a change. o-o

I’m scared of myself. I want to hurt people. No, it’s not just a want. It’s like a need. A strong, unrelenting urge which is almost impossible to stop. And I don’t just want to hurt them with a slap or something. I want to seriously hurt them. It pleases me. And then when I see people in pain, it makes me happy. It amuses me, and I’ll physically laugh out loud. And I don’t know why.

Just earlier, my mum was downstairs with me and I went into the kitchen for something, and I saw the knives in the cupboards. I picked one up and […]

The moment you break down crying.You hold in everything until the moment you are finally alone in your room. You go to school, put up with all the people from school, you have to hold in your feelings and tears until you get home from school, your relationship with someone is now going down hill, then you have to deal with the shit your parents are giving you. One problem became something so much more to handle, every little thing in your life is going completely wrong and the moment you finally get time to be alone and catch a breather, you just sit there and […]

Happy New Fucking Year.

                Day 1 of 365:

And I’ve already made mistakes..

I’ve already cut myself,

I’ve already burnt myself,

I’ve already bruised myself,

I’ve only had one hours sleep. (8:30 this morning – 9:30 this morning),

I’ve already thought of committing suicide

I’ve already argued with my mum and stepdad,

I’ve already made my brother cry,

I’ve already told too many lies,

I already give up. 

I’m confused. I’m confused about what actually is classed as bullying. Because I’m being called things everyday at school by the only two people who I would considered my ‘friends’. ‘*****’ ‘Stupid’ ‘Annoying’ ‘Mistake’ ‘Two-faced’ ‘Horrible’ ‘Pathetic’ ‘Freak’ ‘Whore’ ‘Psycho’ They even make fun of my surname, changing it from Howe to ‘Hoe’, and writing it on everything – even my school work. And also one of them used to hit and kick me, though they haven’t done it for a couple months. And I’ve read online that being called things everyday is considered bullying, but I was sure it wasn’t. Now I just don’t […]

So, my mum managed to find out her daughter has a girlfriend. That went down well.. Not.

She doesn’t even look at me the same any more, if at all. And when I’m typing on my phone she’s always, ‘get off the phone’ or, ‘she can wait’. And of course there’s the usual, ‘this is just a phase’ and ‘you’ll grow out of it’. And when I tell her it’s not and that I won’t be growing out of anything, that’s when I’m completely ignored. She’ll look at me like I’m something awful she’s just stepped in and will refuse to speak to me.

Nice one, mum. Because […]