Author

jrmeador94

I’m Sorry this is Happening to Us…

by jrmeador94 3/11/2017

written by jrmeador94

I had my first Major episode 3 years ago, down to the day. I honestly miss it. Not the suicide attempts, the sensation of rotting on the inside, or telling my mom I want to never wake up in the morning. HELL no. I miss how simple it all was. Life too stressful? Never get out of bed. Too painful when people glance at you? Your room is your existence. Feel like a piece of shit? Sleep 14 hours, shed 20 pounds, and watch Netflix shows, if you still have the energy.

Nowadays, the episodes last a day if I’m lucky, and I’m almost screaming for it to […]

3/11/2017 1 comment

Healing

by jrmeador94 4/4/2016

written by jrmeador94

My depression was triggered 2 years ago by trauma.

Trauma can be anything to different people.

Mine was having sex with a random stranger. And for the first time.

My DBT therapist once said it takes a traumatized brain 18 months to heal.

In 2 years I have gone back to the trauma of hooking up for a total of 147 times.

I have idealized suicide many times. This included staring at an intersection of speeding cars, and a slab of marble 5 stories below me.

I have begged for the pain to stop for 2 years…

And I am starting to heal.

If you are hurting, […]

4/4/2016 1 comment

Am I going to hell?

by jrmeador94 2/23/2016

written by jrmeador94

I had everything going for me before college. I grew up in a great family, we loved each other, and I had an awesome relationship with God. Seriously, he was my best friend. One of the things I couldn’t understand, though, was grace. How the hell could he put the sins of nations onto one man and just forget what we’ve done?

Im in college now. I wanted to die 5 times in the last 2 years. I just couldn’t make the pain stop. So I let go of my faith in God. I don’t really care about sin, being reckless, or being happy. The only […]

2/23/2016 9 comments

What does the Depression feel like?

by jrmeador94 2/20/2016

written by jrmeador94

I want to try something, for all of us. I recently sat down with my therapist and essentially explained what I was going through when I am depressed, considering suicide, making the plans.

After I was done, I felt so much better. I told someone exactly how it felt being tortured inside. And I want you all to do it here.

Write a few sentences (short might speak the loudest). Find music or a work of art. Make a video. Anything that calls out and resonates deep in you, and share with the world what it’s like.

Let me start out by saying this:

“Depression is sitting under a scalding shower, trying […]

2/20/2016 12 comments

You are Loved

by jrmeador94 9/27/2015

written by jrmeador94

I’m still getting through my depression. It’s almost a daily battle here at college, but I’m surviving somehow. I heard this music one day with my therapist, and I couldn’t stop crying.

This song has kept me through some of the hard days. I play it when I fall asleep. I wake up better.

You are Loved (Don’t Give up) by Josh Groban

9/27/2015 3 comments

Am i doing this again?

by jrmeador94 6/23/2015

written by jrmeador94

I’ve been battling depression for 1 year 3 months and 12 days now. Ridiculous as it sounds I lost my virginity, and it… broke me. To you guys who have casual sex with your girl/boy friend, I carry no judgment on you guys. But my purity was everything to me. And I have destroyed it with 93 hook ups in the past year.

Losing my virginity made me feel hopeless, and I got depressed and suicidal on 3 accounts. I’m happy to say I have been free of depression for a little over 3 months now (woo-woo!). I’m proud of myself for making it this long, but… […]

6/23/2015 3 comments

Been thinking about it

by jrmeador94 5/19/2015

written by jrmeador94

I’ve been having thoughts of ending my life. Again. Nothing is gray though. Everything is just mediocre. My life, my emotions, my future. I don’t want it. I want to feel like in the movies. It sounds weird but they’ve got color, emotions, people who fight for it and win. I’ve been fighting for a long time to better myself, but it hasn’t been working.

The crazy thing is that I envy the disorders that prevent empathy or feeling. I catch myself wanting to not feel at all, especially when my life is going to the shit bucket. I’ve tried porn, sex, drugs, booze, but they barely work and […]

5/19/2015 4 comments

Help

by jrmeador94 9/12/2014

written by jrmeador94

I keep making the same mistake. I keep looking for intimacy in random hook ups, like it’s the spark of life, but it’s hurting me. I’m putting my body through abuse, and my friends are scared of me. They don’t understand why I’m doing it and they keep away from me. I’ve been with so many girls and guys, broken my heart over and over, and I’ve swallowed so many pills but can’t die.

For 10 years it’s been an endless cycle of pain and numbing that pain. It’s maddening. I want to get out. I want to have friends. Get a girlfriend. Be happy where […]

9/12/2014 3 comments