You know if someone annoys you or you get in a fight? you can easily walk away from them right? or ignore them forever. But what if that person is yourself? you have no escape, youre stuck with yourself forever. and that scares me a lot.. like i cant just take a break from being around me.
I’m so tired of being me, of being myself and not being able to get away from this monster. I want to change everything about myself, i want to become a new person, a better person. But no matter how hard i try everything gets ruined again, and i have no energy left to try anymore. I just want to end everything but i know i cant and that makes things so much harder. I just wanted to get that out somewhere as i have no one to tell… I’m so ready to give up.
I know it’s a bit late to start a new years resolution. But I decided the other day that I should start writing one or two good things that happen each day for a year and at the end read them all. Sounds like a good idea right? Sounds like it will make you notice the positive things in life, help become a more positive person. Not for me. It’s done exactly the opposite. I’ve realised what a miserable life I have, how cynical and negative I am. I can barely find a good thing that’s happened today and for me it was a busy […]
Yet again the voices in my head have won another night.
The deep voice within my mind is stuck on repeat. “Let me out” “get me out of here” as I sit here alone with the thoughts of my head and brain exploding. Leaving me (my mind) to be set free from this head, this body
Attention. Attention is my best friend. It always has been. At the age of 6 till the age I left primairy school I would trip myself up on purpose, getting massive cuts all over myself. Just so I could get attention. Just so I could feel sympathy from others. So that people would care. From the age of 13 till now I would go on online chat rooms, I would video chat with strange men I didn’t know. Video chat with them and do whatever they told me to. I would get undressed in front of strange men online at the age of 13. From […]
Well the past few days I’ve been getting worse, quite bad to be honest. Today was my first day back at school after the holiday and I was so scared because I’ve been feeling extremely lonely and I know no one at my school cares about me, none of them ever want to talk to me. So yeah today I was quite scared because I had been convincing myself for ages that no one likes me and I’m never going to make friends anywhere, I’ll be lonely forever.
Yeah I do admit today was horrible, being surrounded by all those people who don’t care, turn their […]
I really like clawing at my skin, tearing chunks out of my arms, scratching till i bleed, and it stings. It makes me feel calm, Like im in power, Like i have control over everything.
(sorry if this is triggering to anyone)
But I’m so messed up I can’t even let people help me. It’s times like these when I’m sat in my room alone crying and wanting to scream and just get out of this horrible mind of mine when I actually start thinking I need help. I need someone to tell me what’s happening, what’s wrong, and how to make this stop. But I can’t. Nearly a year ago I had a counsellor at school for 5 months. For 5 months I didn’t say anything. I felt trapped. When she would ask me questions I’d sit there like an idiot staring at the desk. I […]
I don’t feel welcome or wanted anywhere. I don’t understand what iv’e done, but no one seems to want to talk to me or hang out with me or anything and i hate it. What even is the point in my existence? there is no purpose for me in this world I’m useless at everything and no one seems to like me. The only thing that stops me from “not existing” is the reaction from my family and my boyfriend ( who lives 300 miles away so that sucks a lot too as he is the only person who actually helps me). I couldn’t bare […]
For about three years now (I’m 16) I’ve been getting these weird intense horrible physical/mental feelings that occur at random and last for about 10 minutes. I’m not sure exactly but I think it could be a panic/anxiety attack. My mum said she used to get them too but she never really understands me and i asked to see a doctor and she said no. So I thought I’d go to the school nurse about it and she didn’t really tell me anything either. I’ve explained to my friend the feelings before and she was just like no you cant call it a panic attack […]
I’m getting worse mentally. Before I could hold it all in, now I burst into tears whenever I’m alone until I cant breathe and start shaking and feel sick. its so weird and I don’t like it. I get stressed out and scared more than I used to and its all starting to crumble and show on the outside. However I suppose on the good side I have stopped hurting myself. But I don’t know which is better to be honest, coz this shit is messing with me and I’m fed up of it, I’m fed up of being here.