Attention. Attention is my best friend. It always has been. At the age of 6 till the age I left primairy school I would trip myself up on purpose, getting massive cuts all over myself. Just so I could get attention. Just so I could feel sympathy from others. So that people would care. From the age of 13 till now I would go on online chat rooms, I would video chat with strange men I didn’t know. Video chat with them and do whatever they told me to. I would get undressed in front of strange men online at the age of 13. From then onwards I began to chat to men online. On any app or website I could, to send explicit pictures of myself. Just so I could get attention. Just so I could hear people say nice things about me, about my body.
This is so wrong. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I stop craving this attention? Where did this need for attention even come from? I was always the main attention at home being the youngest child with the age gaps from 9 years to 13 years. So why do I need this bad attention? Why can’t I stop doing this to myself? I only end up hurting those around me.