Does it mean that I’m not suicidal if it goes away now and again (as in I’m ready to do it at any moment when I’m alone, and don’t want it as bad when I’m with others)?
Does it mean I’m not serious if I want to do it in a way that makes sure no one else has to feel the burden of causing my death (i.e. jumping in front of a car) ?
I got word on Friday that I was admitted to a reasonably prestigious law school. Everyone at work couldn’t have been happier for me, and for about twelve straight hours, I was able to convince myself that I was a human being worthy of sucking in oxygen.
So why, in light of being accepted into this school and in knowing I’m pursuing a career I truly love, do I still want to jump?
That, I think, is the problem. If I could put my finger on why I want to do it, I’d be able to – rationally – address it. I’d be, if I so cared, […]
I think what should disturb me most is that the thought of killing myself has ceased to disturb me.
It doesn’t.
It’s gone through my head so many times, with minimal variation. Go to the top of my apartment building and sit on the edge for a while, taking in the world.
And then push off.
Contemplating that scenario, perversely, calms me.
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