Author

kissofdeath10

Venting

by kissofdeath10 5/11/2015

written by kissofdeath10

I don’t post a lot, but right now, I just have to get this feeling out of me. Sorry for the melodramatics…

I don’t just wish I was dead; I wish I had never born. I hate that I am such a burden, such a waste of resources, such a disappointment. I know that most others don’t look at me and see that. They wouldn’t agree, and that should make me feel better. But really, it just means no one knows me. If they knew me, they’d see what I see. I work so hard at everything I do, and I just feel like I get […]

5/11/2015 3 comments

None of it Matters

by kissofdeath10 4/12/2015

written by kissofdeath10

The one thing that has kept me going for the longest time has been schoolwork. I am a senior in college, graduating in May and wondering what will help me survive after that. I’m good at schoolwork. I’m smart. Not to sound arrogant, but I know what to do to get good grades, and I love to learn. When everything else is fucked up, as it often is, knowing that I can get something right is what keeps me alive. Now, it’s nearly over, and in all that handwork and all that knowledge gathering, I have no career prospects. Nothing that I’m particularly good at. […]

4/12/2015 4 comments

Blood Lust

by kissofdeath10 4/11/2015

written by kissofdeath10

It’s viral, this spiral

That threatens our survival

Take a picture for the road

We’ll say cheese and smile

Yea, we’re versatile

We’ll give you what you want

And we’ll make it seem worthwhile

Denial, our wile

We make it a lifestyle

Take it hook, line, and sinker

And then praise us for our guile

We’re liars, expired

Somebody start a fire

The only thing that’s left for us

Is burning on a pyre

Yea, we know it’s dire

And still, it’s what we want

Are you scared of our desire?

In this mire, we’re tired

Beginning to perspire

The only ones who hear us now

Are partners to conspire

It’s dust, skin rust

Our spirit’s outer crust

It’s really only flesh and bone

Who cares if we combust?

Yea, we […]

4/11/2015 0 comment

Art Therapy

by kissofdeath10 4/7/2015

written by kissofdeath10

Realizing my future is fucked really messes with my head. Sometimes drawing helps. I like the outcome, but my head’s still a mess.

4/7/2015 3 comments

Pride

by kissofdeath10 4/2/2015

written by kissofdeath10

I don’t really want to die.

I just want to be anyone but me. Do you ever just feel like your life is a montage of mistakes? Like your heart breaks even with the smallest flaw? I don’t want to be so prideful. I don’t want to feel like I should be perfect–not because of the standards of anyone else, because let’s be honest, there are few people that spend enough time thinking about me and what I do to care if I’m perfect or not. No, this need to be perfect comes out of my pride, the arrogant little bastard that tells me I should […]

4/2/2015 3 comments

“Distortion”

by kissofdeath10 2/20/2015

written by kissofdeath10

Sometimes music is the only thing that calms me down. I played and recorded every sound on this track except the drums…I know there is a lot to do on it, but it feels good to actually be creative. I miss that. I don’t usually play a whole lot with distortion, but today, it felt right.

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Distortion.m4a

2/20/2015 1 comment

I Just Don’t Know

by kissofdeath10 12/14/2014

written by kissofdeath10

I don’t feel much anymore. It’s like I’m floating just below the water, aware that my lungs are burning, but I’m unconcerned. I see so much and nothing at all. I see that I am likely to end up alone. I see that I cannot have children. I see that I am about to graduate college with a useless degree and a fuck load of debt. I see fires and wars and disaster and hatred and guns and knives and cars accidents and pain in the world. I see that I should do something. There I begin to see nothing. There is nothing to do. You […]

12/14/2014 2 comments

A Little Release

by kissofdeath10 11/30/2014

written by kissofdeath10

So, someone wrote a post about “Window Shopping” the other day, and it got me thinking. I had this track I recorded lying around and decided to speak some words to it. Thanks for the inspiration! It’s a rough cut, but it helped me through the moment.

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Window-Shopping.m4a

I am supposed to choose something

Anything, just not nothing

But I prefer the window-shopping

I get too overwhelmed by the options

It isn’t just tradeoffs, or give and take

There is so much more at stake

Pick what you want, but it might break

Then pay in time and tears for your fate

Imagine it’s a bomb that I’m meant to defuse

And I have to […]

11/30/2014 1 comment