I really do not understand the point of life if once we leave here we’re suppose to have some deep understanding of why everything is the way it is. If we already knew this before we came here then why the hell were we put here? Perhaps to make connections  that already existed before we came here, or maybe learn life lessons? If so, this also doesn’t make sense because we would have already achieved the state of knowing before being put here. Imagine being able to know everything. This could range from how many strands of hair exist on our heads to something miraculous […]
I’m pretty sure that tomorrow is my day. I can’t imagine living past tomorrow. No matter how hard I try to overcome my eating disorder I always fail. Yesterday it was nothing. Today it was binge/purge. Tomorrow I get up again and the cycle repeats. Unless I choose to end it. I’ve went to years of therapy. I get the concepts, but everyone can’t tailor these sometimes impossible concepts in their life. I’ve been sick since I was seven! I’m not sure if I ever will overcome this on earth. I don’t want to be here to find out. I’m not going to layout the […]
I will admit, the one advantage to having no one give a damn about you is that you can do as you please. Do what you wish since no one will care anyway. Freedom in disguise?
I want to give up so badly. When I do give up it won’t be sudden or unexpected. It will be slow. Slow and not so brutal. I can’t live with the notion that my father never gave a fuck and lives multiple lives to satisfy his ego. I can live with the fact that someone is always there for me. I can’t live with the fact that I’m such an ungrateful, self-centered ***** that can’t see beyond her own pain and suffering. I probably do deserve this. Then again maybe this whole thing called life never gave me a fair chance. I could argue […]
At this very moment I would love to go missing and never turn up. I would just love to be away. Away from my life. I’ll admit that my life isn’t so bad. Everything is very solid and secure and I am involved in college and church. Maybe I long for more? Maybe, just maybe I don’t want anything for myself. Absolutely nothing. I would love for life to stop at this very moment. No more time, and no more space. I just want to enter the abyss.
I don’t always love myself. Sometimes I don’t even know why other people like me so much, but I don’t know what to say. I’m trying damn it, I’m trying. Taking in each moment, and never holding on to anything that does not benefit me in any way. Someday I’ll surpass this struggle and life will never be “in the box”.
My life has really been going into a downward spiral these past two months. Two months ago my Mom and I found out that our house is in foreclosure and we have to be out of here during the beginning of September. My Dad stopped paying the mortgage since he decided to get the papers to divorce my Mom this year. The only time I remember my parents being financially stable was when I was a young girl (age 6-7.) Other than that, my parents have always had financial issues (and personal issues) and I’ve always had to make do with what I had. The […]