If I could only join you my dear David
After today I know there would be more people who would be relieved rather than sad that I’m gone. There’s one person who I wish I could talk to first, but it’s clear he thinks I’m too much of a nut job. This weekend I’m going to do a trial rim with the car running and the garage closed. The one person who could stop me is indifferent.
I’ve started writing more detailed procedures on my job so no one will be inconvienienced when the time comes. No one will miss me for myself. A momentary, that’s too bad and nothing more except “Why didn’t she write more procedures. What a f’up “. I have no family except the half-siblings who cast me off. My animals have a trust. It’s time. Does exhaust in a garage work? Pills are too unreliable, I just end up throwing up.
and that’s all there is
So many of my problems in adulthood stem from the bullying by the same guy from Kindergarten to Junior High. In Junior High, he got an accomplice who was even meaner. School was hell. I never told anyone, and it’s for the best because who would have done anything to the rich popular kid? Sure I should have been stronger; I should have yelled at them rather than cower in fear. It’s a satisfying visual turning around as they followed me and said cruel things and yelled, “What in the hell is wrong with you cowards?” God I wish I […]
This guy has me so confused. Today I like you, tomorrow, I’m busy, next day I’m there but never shows up. I’ve got to stop texting this man. I feel like such a fool. I am such a fool. He pretends he likes me then has better things to do. Can I post here every time I’m tempted to text something embarrassing to him?? I need you all so much; I want to die rather than feel so stupid.
Once anyone gets to know me they don’t want anything to do with me anymore.
I didn’t want to die today. I did one thing for my self-respect. It’s small, but it is a start.
I don’t have to commit suicide. Â I will shrivel up and die of loneliness. Â Every time I learn to deal with being alone, someone dangles a carrot in front of me, and as soon as I begin to trust they care, Â they snatch it away, and it’s worse than it was before. Â if only I could feel a man’s arms around me, nothing more necessarily. Â But the carrot has been ripped from my soul again. Â Even emptiness would be preferable to this pain. Â Will I ever learn that trust is toxic?
Someone said diesel is better than regular exhaust. I’m not sure how to get that option. I have no family, i loved my husband so much, but I held his hand and watched him die. I fought to bring him home. I tried to move on the way he asked me, but every other man hurts me. This is it; no one else will ever care. I had hope, but I get it now, it’s over. Tell me about deisel. Dave, I want to be with you.
I had a plan; it all escalated over a guy; what’s new? He still gives me just enough to string me along. Â And there is a man who likes me but there is zero chemistry. Â Can’t there be chemistry and respect in one package? Â Not since me deceased husband, and I’m not sure even loved met at the end. Â OK, I’m not going to do anything drastic now, but I need you so much. Â The time will come again when I need someone to talk me down. Â You all understand a heck of a lot better than people on the hot lines. Â They mean well, […]
I relate so much to the posts here. Other (dare I say normal) people don’t think like this. Don’t feel this pain. Don’t fantasize about dying, about how beautiful exhaust smells. I know it’s wrong with my head, but my heart gets hurt over and over, and I say “It’s ok, I’m fine, don’t worry about it.” And the best the woman on the SP hotline can say is my cats need me. How lame a life is that? But I guess I wouldn’t have searched for this place and posted if I didn’t want help. It […]