Sometimes I wonder if the reality we are in is actually hell and we died in a different dimension only to be sent here. What happened in that lifetime? How did I get here? What did I do to get here? Maybe this is why we all have a longing to get out and end “this lifetime”. Because we’re really in hell…
My classmate killed himself last week and this morning was his funeral. Many of our professors and classmates attended, specifically from our year. Some were saying he shot himself, others were saying he hanged, but it doesn’t matter since he succeeded. The thing about him is that he was the life of the party and was the popular one in school; he was not the one expected to pass away. Whereas here I am, the loner, and I was planning on being the one to die in our year. I would not be as much of a loss to anyone. If I knew he was […]
1. We exist
2. Every action has an equal reaction
3. We are the Universe and the Universe is us
4. Change is continuous
5. There is no past or future, only now.
I’m trying to cut ties from those who are trying to get close to me. I already have many relatives to mourn for me, but I’d rather not bring outsiders heartache when I free myself. It sounds selfish and heartless, but the pain I feel in my heart gets heavier each passing day. It makes more sense to isolate this pain in one specific group rather than have it explode out of proportion, even though that may happen anyway.
I live alone in my mind with my demons and I’m doing a pretty good job keeping them entertained. They shouldn’t know about these inhabitants, they will […]
It’s been 3 years since we said goodbye. He wanted it to last, I wanted it to end. I knew I broke his heart, but I had to do it. I was nearing my end, and I had to end us before I ended myself.
I didn’t tell him that reason though, I told him that I was too immature for him. He deserved someone on his level, a smarter person, someone unbroken. I wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility of someone else’s feelings.
I removed him from facebook, made my profile extremely private, and made my last status.
The rope wasn’t strong enough.
He’s always been in the […]
My criminal law professor asked. Most of my classmates were silent, while the two or three debaters exploded at each other over that question.
Their voices were tuned out as I pondered this predicament; what would it be like to be murdered? I have been raped before, and I know of the pain that comes along with it, externally and internally. But to be free from this hell by someone else’s hand? Would that be a viable option?
My family would have someone to direct their blame, instead of blaming themselves for my death. The murderer would have gotten their frustration out, and I would be free […]
It’s been a while.
I went through ups and downs and now I am actually on the final leg of my journey. But I feel like I shouldn’t be.
How did I get this far? Time passed by so quickly and I didn’t even get the chance to realize it. I feel like I am at this level, but I cheated my way here. Most of them are so much smarter than me, picking up all the points when I’m here still figuring out why the square peg won’t get into the circle hole.
They all look at me and say “wow, there’s a person who got it […]
My guess is that everyone on here is afraid of something. Afraid of the future, afraid of consequences, etc. Right now I’m afraid of something everyone in life has to eventually go through – growing up.
Well I’m not really afraid, more like I’m TERRIFIED. My whole life there was someone to help me, even a little bit, and I always had another milestone I could postpone adulthood to. But now I’ve reached that point and now I’m on my own. I do and don’t want this moment to come. I do want to become independent and not under the stigma of my parents’ reputation […]
I always wondered what it’s like to be freed from this mortality – to be weightless and at peace. Is it vibrant and heightens the senses? Can your thoughts manifest your every desire? Will there be cake? It would be nice to be in that paradise, free from the stresses of society.
I keep running
running away from my problems, running toward my goals,
running to anywhere, everywhere as long as it’s not here.
I should take a moment to look at where I am at, but there’s no time.
I have to keep running.
I’m chasing and being chased.
The past is on my heels as I try to keep up with the future, the present.
But now always changes and quickly becomes the past just as I realized it is the future – it was the future.
Run.
I run towards my dreams, aspirations, […]
a position to fill that can always be replaced. no one ever sees the person, just the title. everyone expects the outcome, they don’t appreciate the progress.
this worker bee is tired of being unappreciated.when gone, the honey will still be there
if I just disappeared? Would anyone try to find me, or would they just continue on with their lives? It doesn’t matter anyway. I’ve been long gone.
If there’s one thing in this world that I long for the most, it would be a hug.
Not the “oh nice to see you again” hug, nor the “if I hug you will you stop ____” hug. The hugs I crave are those of genuine care; strong arms, tight grip, hearts beating in sync, the ones that means you actually mean something to them.
I never had that type of hug before. I usually get the limp arms, light “don’t break the porcelain” touch, unsure, fake hugs. They’re usually brief, once in a while they’ll last for minute, but the moment is uneventful and the connection is […]
I’m addicted to sex.
It’s sad really, I get excited in the beginning, but once it’s happening, the magic dies and it’s numbing. I don’t know why the excitement doesn’t last, but I can’t stop or want him to stop.
Just the feeling of him pushing into me, retreating, entering, leaving, I never want him to stop even though I’m not excited anymore. I guess it’s knowing that even though he leaves me, he’ll always come back on time. It’s maintaining that schedule, the rhythm that I long for.
Even when he’s satisfied, I never want him to stop. If I had it my way, I would want […]
It’s my 21st birthday, and I’m alone in the house. No one is coming over, and no one is coming out.
I’m ending it tonight.
I want love, but it’s impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated
I can’t love, shot full of holes
Don’t feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don’t feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart
But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won’t break me down
Won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in
I want a love, that don’t mean a thing
That’s the love I want, I want love
I want love on my own terms
After everything I’ve ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh […]
They all leave. Everyone leaves.
My dad left me to have other kids because I wasn’t good enough.
My mom left because helping hundreds of other people were more important than seeing me grow up.
Friends left because they found me to be weird, or just didn’t feel like hanging out with me anymore.
“Boyfriends” left because I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, sexually enough for them.
Everyone I knew have left and abandoned me. Physically and emotionally.
I’m pretty sure those that I know today will do the same as well. They always do.
I’ll just end up alone anyway.
Please don’t leave.
Don’t be like everyone else, making false promises and saying you’ll always be there
only to disappear
Be the one I can see when I turn my head, looking back at me with a reassuring smile
or the one that is on the side stage, cheering me on as I face the world
The one holding my hand as we walk through the crowded streets.
The one.
Don’t leave me hanging
as you get distracted by another situation and go to see what it is
to come back a second too […]
My professor once told me that feeling unwanted is the worst thing a human being can experience. I don’t know if he knew that I felt like this everyday of my life and wanted to say that he understands or if it was a mere coincidence.
No one really wants me. They see the Mickey Mouse costume, but not the person inside it.
They only want the character, not the actor.
I feel like no one ever listens to me and hear my opinions. Like anything that comes out of my mouth or anything that I think of is just jibberish and not worth anyone’s time. They always cut me off before I finish my thought, judge me from the first 3 words of my sentence, ignore me after a minute. What’s the point in being here if no one really wants the hear what you have to say?
I’m tired of always fighting to have my voice be heard.
Even on here.
Am I just a nuisance to everyone? Does my presence annoy the hell out of you? If […]
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