lost_soul

It’s okay in the day I’m staying busy
Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I’m not drinking
Run around just so I don’t have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

This face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I […]

My boyfriend recently told me of a dream he had about us. He said that we were in an unfamiliar car with a black interior, driving down a country highway, laughing and enjoying the ride. It sounded nice and I, being a natural dream analyst, immediately deciphered it as his mind translating to him that our relationship is a journey with an unknown destination and undisclosed factors that we will enjoy together.

or something like that.

Later, I too had a dream about us. Except I saw that he cheated on me and slept with a blonde girl and we broke up and all I felt was […]

i think i have the flu and my mom told me to stay inside or else i’ll get pneumonia. i was planning my suicide attempt for some time now and apparently one can die from pneumonia.
nice coincidence. let’s see if this works

I don’t have any feelings anymore, except for sadness. I forgot what happiness feels like, what love feels like, even pain. Even though I am smiling, I don’t feel anything.

I am numb.

An empty shell, lost of its emotions.

Dear Love,

I know I just found you and I am enjoying every single minute. But I just have one favor to ask of you: If you ever seem to doubt our relationship and fall out of love, can you tell me? I’ve been alone my whole life and I know that this may not last for the rest of it, so you’re leaving would not make a huge impact; it would just veer me back to the road I’ve been traveling.

Don’t be surprised if you see me unconscious on the floor, or hanging from the ceiling. That is where I was headed in the first […]

I’ve been depressed for many years and attempted suicide on multiple occasions solely on my theory (with backing evidence) that my father doesn’t love me or even wanted me. It’s still a driving force in my life, my “goals”, etc.

Recently my aunt told me why my parents divorced in the first place. All my life I was told by my mom that they broke up because he cheated on her with another woman in asia (he went back and forth for business). However, my aunt told me that my mom suspected him of cheating. That one day, the two of them (my mom and aunt) […]

I feel like I’m never wanted. I was talking to this guy I’ve been going out with for a while and he asked me if we should be in an open relationship because he still wants to see me, but he really wants to go out with this girl who just broke up with her bf last week. We’ve been going out for a couple of months, and I thought maybe he would be the first to be actually interested in me and want to spend more time with me. But no, he’d rather go out with this one who just broke up w/ her […]

in order to live

is that too much to ask?

It’s heavily storming right now and my room is illuminated by the frequent lightning.

All I want to do is to go out into the rain and drive down to the shore.

I imagine myself on the beach, embracing the rain and digging a metal rod into the sand.

Holding on, waiting for the light to take me away.

Remember the movie Forest Gump? I used to watch it all the time when I was little.

I remember the part when Jenny was going through her drug stage and she climbed on top of the ledge of the skyscraper and thought about jumping off.

I remember climbing on top of the tv when that scene came on and jumping off of it into the bed.

I didn’t know back then that Jenny was contemplating suicide, I thought she wanted to go skydiving or something. But it felt good jumping off of the tv onto the bed when I did it. It made me crave for higher ledges […]

i don’t care about my birthday anymore. even though my friends and family are excited, i really don’t think it’s worth the time celebrating a life that isn’t worth celebrating. Sure i’m another year older, but what good does that mean? we’re all going to die and so far from what i’ve seen life is basically a contest to see who is in this marathon we call life the longest. But i don’t like being a conformist, i’d rather be watching it from above instead of actually being in it.

i guess i’m lazy that way.

I can feel it.

Pieces of my soul, my being coming away from my body, leaving my body. It’s as if I’m slowly dying spiritually, with bits and pieces of me coming off and going to different locations only to be reconstructed once again in a new place, new time, new life.

I can feel it, the numbness racing through my body, escaping through my fingertips and my toes. The sorrow filling my body like water filling a bathtub.

I can feel the end drawing closer, keeping a constant pace, making the wait feel like it’s slowing down time.

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