So, I posted on here about 10 years ago. When I felt I had no where to turn. I’m there again. 10 years later. I have two beautiful children, a third on the way… a husband who I am sure does love me very much.. but why can’t I just be happy????
If it wasn’t for this child I’m carrying I honestly think I would have put a bullet in my head tonight. I keep thinking, for hours now, that I’ll have him or her – nurse them for a year or so… just long enough to see them develop with the beginnings of their own personality.. then I’ll save my family the trouble of me. I’ll end my life. I’ll stop making my husband miserable with my own insanity, I’ll save my children from having to see too much of it.
The thing is, I think I’ve broken my husband. I get VERY down on myself when I’m depressed I feel like trash, like garbage, like all I am good for is the things I can do. I try very hard to do things for everyone – so they’ll love me. But when I’m in this hole.. nothing I do is good enough. I’m trash. I’m garbage. I’m worthless and everything is all wrong.
A few weeks ago, we got in a argument and I just snapped. The gates I had keeping my self-worthlessness just broke open. One of the things I told him was that I felt like all I was good for was a clean house and a good fuck. There was more to that argument, obviously but that is what stuck with him. I don’t even what remember what started the fight. I just remember the similarities to past arguments. We haven’t had many. But I get repeats of the “why is this always the same” “stop playing up the bipolar crap”…
Now tonight he tells me the thought that he would only use me like that makes him never want to do anything to me ever again. That he can’t get past that in his mind.
I did not mean that HE made me feel that way. I feel that way but that’s just because I’m depressed.
I don’t know what to do. There’s more there. But I dont know if it’s the depression talking or if my marriage is over or at the very least severely damaged. I could be completely wrong. I hope I am I don’t know…
He went to bed, and wouldn’t talk more after telling me this. So I am just lost. I have no one to turn to who I’d trust enough to talk about this with. Everyone close to me has died. I don’t trust anyone easily.. and he’s all I have.
If I don’t have him. I don’t know what to do. It’s pretty pathetic of me- I know, but I have tried to form friendships over the years but no one has proven to be trustworthy enough to me.
I’m just lost. Lost, and confused. Wishing I’d listened to my grandma. Never ruined anyone’s life with an attachment to me.