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by lostmama

So, I posted on here about 10 years ago. When I felt I had no where to turn. I’m there again. 10 years later. I have two beautiful children, a third on the way… a husband who I am sure does love me very much.. but why can’t I just be happy????

 

If it wasn’t for this child I’m  carrying I honestly think I would have put a bullet in my head tonight. I keep thinking, for hours now, that I’ll have him or her – nurse them for a year or so… just long enough to see them develop with the beginnings of their own personality.. then I’ll save my family the trouble of me. I’ll end my life. I’ll stop making my husband miserable with my own insanity, I’ll save my children from having to see too much of it.

 

The thing is, I think I’ve broken my husband. I get VERY down on myself when I’m depressed I feel like trash, like garbage, like all I am good for is the things I can do. I try very hard to do things for everyone – so they’ll love me. But when I’m in this hole..  nothing I do is good enough. I’m trash. I’m garbage. I’m worthless and everything is all wrong.

 

A few weeks ago, we got in a argument and I just snapped. The gates I had keeping my self-worthlessness just broke open. One of the things I told him was that I felt like all I was good for was a clean house and a good fuck. There was more to that argument, obviously but that is what stuck with him. I don’t even what remember what started the fight. I just remember the similarities to past arguments.  We haven’t had many. But I get repeats of the “why is this always the same” “stop playing up the bipolar crap”…

 

Now tonight he tells me the thought that he would only use me like that makes him never want to do anything to me ever again. That he can’t get past that in his mind.

 

I did not mean that HE made me feel that way. I feel that way but that’s just because I’m depressed.

 

I don’t know what to do. There’s more there. But I dont know if it’s the depression talking or if my marriage is over or at the very least severely damaged. I could be completely wrong. I hope I am I don’t know…

 

He went to bed, and wouldn’t talk more after telling me this. So I am just lost. I have no one to turn to who I’d trust enough to talk about this with. Everyone close to me has died. I don’t trust anyone easily..  and he’s all I have.

If I don’t have him. I don’t know what to do. It’s pretty pathetic of me- I know, but I have tried to form friendships over the years but no one has proven to be trustworthy enough to me.

 

I’m just lost. Lost, and confused. Wishing I’d listened to my grandma. Never ruined anyone’s life with an attachment to me.

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8 comments

rocketman 9/4/2019 - 6:49 am

Sorry Lostmama,
You can fix this very easily, and you need too! Tell him you were tired having a bad moment that happens, go back to what you were doing, sounds like your a house wife doing the house wife thing, nothing wrong with that. Just keep it up, I think you need an outside interest like a hobby. If you were doing anything else you’d feel the same way after while. Everything gets old but your kids need you just do your best.

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/4/2019 - 12:31 pm

This sounds to me, less than a call for a senseless suicide, but meaning to you, maybe an opportunity to work on your relationship with your husband. Your self worth seems to tightly revolve around your husband and children. There is a whole world out there, and it can all be yours – should you allow it.

Suicide is the last possible thing I would recommend for a woman like you (3 small children) to do, but if you feel like you are honestly no more than a clean house and a cheap f*ck to your current husband -in all of your life in its entirety -I’d suggest reclaiming your marriage or taking a break from him and claiming freedom in more independence. You could even divorce and share custody where you could get a chance to find yourself a different kind of self-worth, possibly to remarry.

But if this relationship to you seems so strangling that you have to consider the least sensible option, there must be a higher road for you to find!!

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/4/2019 - 12:34 pm

Of course, you cannot make such wise decisions under your current hormones. More importantly and current, I would recommend to go to a doctor, to ensure everything is healthy. If you are feeling so bad that you are considering suicide under this pregnancy, that may indicate health needs are not being met for either you or your chIld – current. And this can be as simple as a vitamin deficiency.

a1957 9/4/2019 - 9:19 pm

That is really thoughtful advice for anyone in a spot like this.

Soda 9/4/2019 - 4:53 pm

If you feel ‘worthless’ you could always get a job or start a business where you felt your work mattered.

It’s a bit unfair to have kids but then leave them without a mother. I can guarantee you if my mother wasn’t around, I’d probably be dead right now since she’s the only one who’s been there for me and vice versa.

If you were convinced for a long time you wanted to end your life then why bring children into the world?

It sounds like you have a really good spouse who’s there for you. If you’re not around then his life will get more difficult.

In no way am I minimizing your suffering, but if you have a nice house and your spouse is able to provide, then you’re in a far better situation than millions of people.

If all I had to do was cook and clean and take care of the kids, it wouldn’t be a bad deal in my opinion.

Perhaps you just more vacations, just getting out and doing new/different things or hanging out with friends. Monotony and repetition can be frustrating.

Soda 9/4/2019 - 4:56 pm

*just need more….

lostmama 9/5/2019 - 8:40 am

Thanks for everyone’s comments.

My mother commited suicide, so it isn’t something I’ve considered possible for me to desire since she did. It hurt. Immensely. BUT. My mother was also mentally ill she abused me for much of my life – and I tend to think that it is for the best that she is gone. I am sincerely terrified that I will become that and ruin my children’s lives.

That was my thought at least at that point.

If I managed to push my husband away.. (who has been with me though her death.. and anything else I’ve dealt with in the last 12 years) I must be becoming her.

Our argument reminded me so vividly of what I would overhear my own parents screaming about when I was young terrified me.

I never want my children to deal with the kinds of emotional torment my mother put me through.

I dont think I would ever do that. But sometimes. Things just click in my head and ai convince myself that I am that terrible. That I am becoming my mother.

I know right now that I am not. But right now I’m in a better frame of mind.

Also, I was in a career for almost 10 years. But I grew tired of never seening my family… so my husband pursued his handyman business instead of me continuing to work. I’ve been up and down no matter what I’ve done in life. But the other night was the worst in 10 years. The first time I honestly considered that everyone would be better off without me.

I do really wish I could trust someone I knew other that my husband or a faceless internet board to talk to. But I know that my feelings and issues are deep and are a huge emotional burden for the listener. I haven’t yet met a counselor that I am comfortable with enough to say much more than pleasantries too. Since I had one when I was younger tell my mother what I would talk to then about. Things that didn’t involve me being a danger to myself or others..

I just pray that someday I will, despite my very antisocial tendencies find someone to confide in ever once and a while.

Thanks to you all again. Thanks to the board for exisiting.

rocketman 9/5/2019 - 8:58 am

Sounds like your doing better, yeah I believe you may have been ridding down the road of self prophecy to enable you, then once you get there you find out it’s really not what you wanted. I don’t believe in self prophecy.

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