I haven’t felt suicidal for a while now. It’s definitely been a couple of weeks, and it’s been months since it was really bad and I was making attempts. Now I feel the feeling creeping over me again and I am powerless to stop it. I feel so angry at so many people in my life for fucking me over and just not being there for me when I needed them, or being there in all the wrong ways. How can I ever make this better. How can I learn how to forgive? I hate myself. I really want to hurt myself until I die.
I am sick of feeling the same things over and over.
“I want somebody to care” I say, well seriously. What do I really expect? Why should I expect anybody to care? I am nothing. Nothing at all. I am small and needy, like a child, my mother is surely sick of me by now. The first 2 attempts didn’t work. I’m still waiting for some miraculous solution to reveal itself. Maybe in a few days time. I used to have people in my life. I used to be cared about, now everyone who ever meant something is just a ghost, a memory, and I am […]
I need help. I need somebody to care. That is all I need to stay alive. For this reason I will probably die.
Somebody in my philosophy class last semester suggested that maybe life is hell. She said, look at all the suffering and pain, doesn’t it seem sort of hellish the things that so many people have to go through? I didn’t know what to think then but now I believe her. This feels like hell, it hurts like hell. The emotional pain I have experienced as a result of depression is absolutely indescribable. There are no words. The feeling of wanting to die is so strong at times that it terrifies me. I know I am capable of acting on it. But I can’t, because I […]