Sunnygirl1

The last month has been absolute shit for me.

After 6 months of being alone in Canada, I’m now back with my “family” for a month. I went to a psychiatrist, got new medication (Lithium, among other things), and I’m going to be admitted to an in-patient facility when I go back to Canada in a month.

I have a month to “relax” and “be with my friends”. Right

I’ve been isolating myself, locking myself in my room. I’ve officially started self harming again. My brain won’t stop, it literally won’t shut up or start working. Everything is multiplied.

To make things worse, I found a note in my […]

Does anybody else here have a form of ocd? (Diagnosed, not self-diagnosed).

I’ve been dealing with ocd for the last two years… It just keeps getting worse no matter what I do. It’s crippling me, at this point. I clean obsessively, I count obsessively, I obsess over completion and repetition, I have countless intrusive thoughts. Pretty much everything I do is obsessive, I can’t escape from it. Three months ago, I thought maybe if I started going to the gym, it’d help ease my anxiety. Nope, that turned in to an obsession too. Now I count calories and when I’m at the gym, I absolutely have to […]

I hadn’t cut for seven months. This morning i cut up my legs.

I feel like I might throw up.

I feel so weak and pathetic.

Help me

I’m breaking. I don’t know what to do. I’m so used to picking up my own pieces, to putting myself back together again. I’ve never had emotional support. I go to a psychiatrist, but even she doesn’t seem to know how to help me. I talk to my dad probably once a week, even when I was at home. Now I’m 17, a senior in highschool and 20 hours away from my friends and “family”.

I can’t do it anymore. I cut again today, it was the first time I’ve cut in about  a year.

I don’t know what to do. My brain won’t stop, I’m […]

I’ll never be able to tell her how I feel,

How angry she makes me, how much I hate her. How much I want her, how much I need her.She’ll never know how she ruined me, how she broke me when she left.

There’s so much anger inside of me, so much pain, and I can’t get rid of it. No matter what I do I can’t get rid of it, and nothing’s helping. More than anything I want to scream at her, scream at her at the top of my lungs and tell her what she did to me. The worst part is that at the same […]

When I was a kid, we used to have the most pathetic Christmases. My step-mother is Ukrainian and doesn’t celebrate Christmas, and my dad never really cared. I would always try to make things festive. My dad would usually be on business trips for the rest of the holiday, so Christmas was my one day with him. We never really got around to getting a tree, so I’d draw one and tape it up on the wall. We didn’t bake, didn’t spend time together, didn’t even watch a movie. Sure I got presents, but I’d eventually always go to bed and cry.

I’m 17 now, and […]

I feel like I’m pushing myself too much.

Usually I get about 3-4 hours of sleep a night (with the lights on). For the past week, it’s been no sleep, and little 30 minute naps during the day.

I still go to the gym, I still do my homework, I still clean obsessively. My ocd is taking over me now too, it’s getting worse with the lack of sleep.

I get dizzy and I’ve always got a headache.

I’m pushing myself and I can’t stop.

I’m so tired of thinking.Everything has been magnified this week.

My bipolar disorder has put me into a pit of non-stop, agonizing depression.

My OCD has been getting worse. Just when I thought I had conquered my obsession with cleaning, it’s back and as strong as ever.

In the past week I’ve slept for about 7 hours. My insomnia is keeping me up. I’m too scared that if I fall asleep I’ll have nightmares.

To make it all worse, my brain won’t shut off. It won’t stop. I constantly have to pull myself away from the things my brain is making up. I feel so detached from reality.

I decided to leave my apartment today and go downtown. Horrible idea, I just about had a breakdown on the metro. I saw a teenage girl and her mom and sister and it made me break inside a little bit, because more than anything that’s what I want. More than anything I’d want to be able to get hot chocolate with my mom and idly look around at clothes and laugh together. Honestly that’s what I want more than anything.

Too bad that’s impossible since she decided to kill herself before I had even turned five.

I feel like a heap of ugly trash that no one […]

“Just smile and be happy”

Thanks for the helpful advice. My bipolarity and depression are gone now.

I’ve posted on here multiple times about the same thing… It might be getting old to some people,but it’s comforting knowing that someone cares.

It’s hard to explain how it feels knowing that the woman who brought me in to the world left so easily. I hate not knowing what it’s like having a mom.

Losing someone to suicide is very different from losing someone to a natural cause. I’m not saying that one is more painful than the other; I’m saying that the healing process is difficult. Grief counsellors speak of closure, and how important it is when healing. When somebody kills themselves, you’re not given answers. […]

When I was four, my mother killed herself. All my life, I was told that she had died of cancer.

When I was 15, I had a flashback. I saw a woman hanging, I hear myself scream and not be able to stop. I remember my brother taking me to the neighbour’s house.

I asked my dad if she had killed herself, and I was right, she did. Now I’m 17, and I’m unbelievable desperate for answers. My ptsd triggers my anxiety, I have severe ocd, I was diagnosed with the bipolar disorder (type 2, like my mother). I feel like my life is falling apart but […]

I’m so tired of feeling things, I can’t take it anymore.

Everything I feel is 10 times stronger than it should be.

I hate it, my bipolarity is taking over my life, my feelings and my thoughts are taking over my life.

I can’t even be at peace by being by myself, because my brain is so unbelievably scatterd. Every moment is a battle with myself, and I’m so tired of it.

I’ve tried drinking, cutting, smoking, everything in hopes that something would distract me from myself.

I wish they’d give me medication so strong that it just completely numbs me.

I’m extremely sensitive to sounds and noise. I’f I’m somewhere in public, and I am not distracting myself (either with music or by talking to myself), I start hearing everything. I hear every little detail; every voice, every footstep, every turning page. It all jumbles up and turns in to a high pitched screech in my head, that doesn’t stop until I leave the area and go somewhere secluded. I’ve passed out from this five times. It physically hurts me, I get migraines and I become extremely dizzy. It’s been so bad that a year ago, I had to start taking online classes because I […]

Am I a horrible person for not wanting a family?

I didn’t have a childhood because of my mother’s choices. When she killed herself, all of her problems went to me. I witnessed her kill herself, and that’s the only memory I have of her. I remember how much my dad cried when he found her.

I never want to be the person to cause somebody that much pain. I can’t do that, I just can’t. I don’t trust myself. I’m stronger than her, I know I am, but my biggest fear in life is that I’m going to end up like her. I already have her […]

So I’m very stunned at how stupid some people can be.

I was on another forum (one for bipolarity), when a pleasantly ignorant person decided to join the conversation. What was his solution for curing bipolarity?

Veganism

He was serious, too. He seemed to believe that through “nature” and “veganism”, we can all live happier lives.

Most ironic part about this? I’ve been vegan for two years, and guess what, I’m still bipolar.

I hate being bipolar.

I hate it more than anything.

I hate not having control over my own brain.