Often I sculpt people
Who aren’t there
To create memories that don’t exist
That make me laugh at nothing
Often
Pretend that someone is concerned
That I actually knew you
And that the choir knows my name
At night I imagine
That I smell your hair
I hear you breathe
I slip into your womb
Always
I wake up alone
With a fractured skull
And empty space
Still in my wheelchair
Unable to move
While the diva in my head
Sings long arias
Of self abuse
That I twist into
Lullabies just to survive
In the doctors office
I open the magazine
I fail the […]
Get me past blood
Past walls
Past meds
Past the next step
Let me go blind
To the crippled
To that hospital image
To the dark colors
To how I got here
Let me go deaf
To the loud ringing
To the insecure patient
To the crying little boy
To the prosecutor
Let me not feel
The needles in my arm
Your razor blade tongue
The gnawing on my bones
I don’t believe that dead people speak
Nor that prophets walk on water
That just leaves me with
All those years of scrambled nonsense
And broken Angels
Amen
They can’t harm you
Locked in this chair
The TV blares in the background
Like it is your friend
The two dimensional connection
It’s almost like they’re looking at you
Outside this room
Where the skin gets peeled
Nobody licks your wounds
They look right through you
On their way to their next appointment
Your blood marks their shoes
But still they don’t know you
So where do you find the hand
The promise that this is not a bad joke
That you are not just dark space
The phone rings
Somebody wants to sell you something
You tell them that they’re voice doesn’t matter
I know this place
Without hope
Without sound
I visit it often
I know this place
The solo rock
The dead spirits
The Angels who were never born
I know this place
Where false prophets
Make dreary promises
My drinks gone cold
I know this place
Where your face
Blends with the ground
Someone else lives your dream
I know this place
Where heaven comes in a pill
Where the laughter is always in the other room
Where you’re sure you already died
I know this place
Where warm faces
Turn to gargoyles
You’re afraid to lift your head
Today I watched
While some guy […]
Distance
From the voices I’ve heard
Some are never coming back
Some can’t come back
Did I know you
Or is this just a terrible dream
My hand reaches into the dark
Something moves away
I am alone again
The choice was not mine
Where is that safe place
Prescriptions can’t take me there anymore
Again I’ve muddied the carpet with tears
The solemn song moves up my spine
The paralysis is permanent
I will die never having touched your face
Okay so I got on my soapbox about loneliness and how shitty the world is. Been doing this for a long time so it feels like home. I received several comments about getting out and so I did. I went to a local coffee shop, grabbed a chai and sat in the corner observing the world. Did this help – well not really because everyone was oblivious to my presence and once again I disappeared into the wall. I made one feable attempt to communicate but I ran out of energy and dropped to the floor. When I got back up it seemed like I […]
I’ve always had a number of acquaintances but not many close friends. Relationships have always occurred at a distance – like walking down a beach and seeing people off in the distance. People don’t seem to knock at my door -and I spend holidays alone (hate holidays). I make flippant comments to strangers – some smile, some think I’m insane. I tell my stories to grocery store clerks and baristas – a captive audience who smile but don’t ask if I’m okay. I get phone calls from telemarketers and medical receptionists – would you like to buy some gold – hello Mr Eaton your doctors […]
I feel her. Her reached is far. I remember everything about her – I am a willing hostage. She’s in the room. The flowers she loved and the electric laugh of a high voltage siren. She’s in the room. And nothing bad ever happened – the pillow is soft. She’s in the room. The child smiles and grabs her rose colored skirt. Dance she says and of course I do. She’s in the room. Yes we will live forever – we are just that solid. She’s in the room. Honey drips from the walls – I cry and she swallows my pain with her lips. […]
Funny, she once said to me that I must have an incredible life. She used to listen to me when I rambled on about traveling here and traveling there – she was young and I wore the mask well. Once again I was reminded that people really don’t know – the space between us is too grand. I was a hero to her and a joke to myself – I feared that if we hung out much longer she would see that I was just roadkill. How worldly was I – my well being hung on a thread at the corner of her smile. So […]
Because with a word she could ruin me. Her influence is stronger than anything the pharmacy magician can conjure. You ask her a question and you hope her tongue will be like silk and not slit your throat. You feel her everywhere, she is your savior and can be your death. You read her lips, her smile, her stance they are all telling you to go away. You are distorted and hope that you can hide somewhere in her mind – you will always be looking in. You kid yourself that if she gives you any response at all that Jesus is real and love […]
Perhaps it was the ghostly feel of it all as I walked the streets. Perhaps it was the guy who had the sign “help I’ve disappeared”. I looked in the mirror once again. The traffic, the people, the buildings all belonged in a different dimension. I was in a dream, I was in a nightmare, I was in my life. Hello, I said but was ignored. Don’t they know I’m here, scream, you must scream. Scurry, scurry, they can’t feel you but you want their attention. Couples walk hand and hand, a man smokes a joint, another person screams at everyone and everything – she […]
I hate to be a pest but I’m going to have to extent my unrequited love story to reflect on the loss of losing something you worked so hard for. Friendship is a very transitional thing. My experience with friendship is that it’s organic and eventually just dies. People either move away or they stop associating with you – you just become a lost memory or something to be ignored. I say this because recently I became the something to be ignored – something to be looked through and not at. The jokes are no longer shared – the tears are only seen by you. […]
With a younger close friend. In some pain and alone. Trying to pry myself off the couch – I ve been here before. She’s with someone else I didn’t even know how much she counted until she told me about her new friend. I’m being obsessive and I don’t want to let her go but I don’t want to creep her out either ( maybe too late). I’ve thought of giving up – I’m like scary needy. I know I’m putting way too much on her for my well being but you who have been in this hell know how effective logic is. It’s been […]