The horrible realization

I’ve always had a number of acquaintances but not many close friends. Relationships have always occurred at a distance – like walking down a beach and seeing people off in the distance. People don’t seem to knock at my door -and I spend holidays alone (hate holidays). I make flippant comments to strangers – some smile, some think I’m insane. I tell my stories to grocery store clerks and baristas – a captive audience who smile but don’t ask if I’m okay. I get phone calls from telemarketers and medical receptionists – would you like to buy some gold – hello Mr Eaton your doctors appointment is tomorrow, have a nice day. I want to call them back just to hear anybody’s voice. Why is it that I feel my distance is farther than most. I have been in love but never really been loved – I don’t tell anybody because they just don’t believe. I really don’t know why I continue since I have no evidence that things will change. Last night I had this dream. I was on a swing set, like a child, watching while this girl I knew walked away with someone else. Even in unconsciousness loneliness is the scheme. She turned and waved – I woke up. Great.