I don’t want to leave my favorite coworker. She’s slowly become my best friend over the last two months, and I don’t want to leave her.
My cousin. He’s an only child and I’ve taken on the role of older sibling to him so that he has some form of positive influence in his life.
My brother. I want to rebuild my relationship with my older brother. We haven’t spoken in over five years, but I want to reconnect with him and I know I can’t do that if I’m gone.
I want to spend as much time as I can with my family’s dog before he’s gone.
As […]
1. Take any sort of pill: My last suicide attempt was an attempted overdose. I spent 12 hours puking and dry-heaving. Now, even the thought of taking any sort of medicine in pill form makes my stomach turn.
2. Talk to my family about my mental health: They don’t understand why I feel the way I do. They don’t understand why I feel depressed, and they refuse to change their mindsets. I’ve tried to explain it to them, but nothing ever really changes.
3. Brush people off: I know what it feels like to have my feelings be brushed off and ignored. I refuse to […]
I’m going home. I’m withdrawing from school and moving back in with my mom. So I guess this is the end. I think I’m gonna be ok. Thanks for listening.
So, I don’t know if it’s because of my size, or the stuff I used, but unfortunately I’m still here. I took the stuff at 11;30, and it’s now 9:15. Hopefully I die in my sleep tonight. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, it means it worked.
Goodbye world, thanks for the scars, both mental and physical. Goodbye hopes and dreams, you weren’t strong enough to survive here. Goodbye family, I’ll miss you, but I can’t do this anymore. Sorry. Goodbye Makenzie, I think I’ll miss you least of all.
I used to wish for a lot of things. A dad, a home, friends, a safe place to go when I’m scared. I used to wish for so much, but looking back, I haven’t wished for anything aside from death. I miss the desire I had to make wishes. But nothing works. People say to talk to someone for help, someone to talk to about all of this. But the truth is, I don’t have anyone. Any person I could talk to about this wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t understand that outside of maybe two people, I have nobody to live for. Nothing in this world […]
This is the last week. This is it, and I can’t be happier. I’m giving my roommate one last gift, and then this weekend, I’m gone. I have a journal with all of my goodbyes and I am ready to go. No more math, no more anxiety, no more depression. I have no regrets, no more wishes, my dreams were dashed to pieces years ago.
Goodbye to the friendships that died as soon as I left high school. Goodbye to the dreams of a girl the world killed years ago. What ever waits for me on the other side of the veil, I welcome you with […]
I finally have a time. It’s a general idea, but it’s still a time. I’m not gonna put some impossible time limit on this. This is happening and there is nothing that can stop it. I’m not going to let this shit cause me anymore anxiety or sleepless nights. No more math class anxiety. No more project panic attacks. No more fits of tears from people who don’t actually have an interest in my well being. Fuck it, fuck all of it. This is my life and for once, I’m gonna control what happens. I’m not putting my decisions through anymore filters. I’m gonna live […]
I seriously don’t care about so much and it feels so good. Like, normally my math class would have me in a tail spin of anxiety and panic attacks, but now? I don’t care. I’m gonna enjoy my time here, I’m gonna have fun and I’m gonna enjoy the classes I actually chose to take. Screw math, screw passing, screw it all. This is the best I’ve felt in years and I’m not gonna let anything stop me from having a good time.
I don’t know if I’m actually going to keep up with this but at least I’m putting the effort in, right?
I started school this week and all I’ve been thinking about is how this is the year. This is the year I kill myself, the year I take myself out of the equation permanently. In my downtime since coming back, its all I can think about. How I’ll do it, where I’ll do it, when I’ll do it. The “How” was the first thing I figured out. Quick, easy, cleanable. The “Where” is still to be determined. The “When” is giving me the most trouble, […]
Today has been fucking with my head, majorly. I woke up this morning with the following idea:
I think suicide is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, and here’s why: Have anxiety? Nonexistent once you’re gone. Worried about how those around you will feel? Doesn’t matter because you’re already dead and nothing they say or do can hurt you. Fear of persecution? What are they gonna do? You’re dead, they can’t touch you.
I feel like suicide is basically giving yourself permission to stop caring about anything but yourself. It’s the greatest form of self love, because you’re finally taking the time and putting yourself […]
I laid in bed last night thinking everything over. The different pros and cons of different places I would do it. The pros and cons of how I do it. I did some research and I think I’ve settled on a method and a place. Now I’m just waiting for the time. I’ve made my amends and I’ve come to terms with everything and this is the conclusion I’ve come to:
I don’t care who finds me, nor do I care what happens after I’m gone. I don’t care how this will affect the area, nor do I care about the people I’ll be leaving behind. […]
I’m literally getting closer and closer to doing it. My plan was to graduate college first, but God damn it, I’m this close to saying fuck it and just throwing myself off of a building. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so fucking tired of being alive, putting effort into shit that doesn’t make me even mildly content. I’d say I wonder how everybody else does it, but I can’t muster up the desire to care. I don’t care about anything anymore.
I go through my days miserable. Sometimes I’m considering if it would really be all that easy to step in front […]
As the title says, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. And while I’m not ready, I do think about it and I have a note written. I also have a plan, along with the motivation. I’m just not yet ready. But in all of my thoughts about it, one thing remains consistent: I’m going to do it after college. In all of my thoughts, that’s the one thing that is always the same.