1. Take any sort of pill: My last suicide attempt was an attempted overdose. I spent 12 hours puking and dry-heaving. Now, even the thought of taking any sort of medicine in pill form makes my stomach turn.
2. Talk to my family about my mental health: They don’t understand why I feel the way I do. They don’t understand why I feel depressed, and they refuse to change their mindsets. I’ve tried to explain it to them, but nothing ever really changes.
3. Brush people off: I know what it feels like to have my feelings be brushed off and ignored. I refuse to do it to anyone else.
4. Express myself entirely: Doing the things that I want, and that make me happy only bring criticism, so I don’t do much of it around my family. I’m able to be myself around my coworkers and my cousin, but my other family members call me immature and weird, so I stopped.
5. Drink Pepsi Zero: It was one of the first things I tried drinking while I was OD’ing before I realized it would only make me puke more. Now, the taste of it makes my stomach turn.
6. Look at myself in the mirror or pictures: Part of me hates the way I look and hates that I’m alive, so it’s easier to just avoid looking at myself.
Nobody really talks bout the after. I mean, the immediate after. The time when you still wish you were dead sometimes, the time where you think, “Was it really only Labor Day that I tried to kill myself?”. My family is expecting me to move on like nothing happened and they don’t realize that I still think about killing myself. Sure, it’s not everyday anymore, but it’s still happening.
Yeah, I’m alive, and I’m happy that I’m still here. And if someone were to come to me and tell me that they’re struggling, I would do everything I could to help them and make them feel loved. But that doesn’t mean I’m not miserable. It doesn’t mean I feel like my old self, because that girl died in September.
Those 12 hours puking you speak of I know only too well. My last attempt was the vodka sleepers combo and the day after I vomited for what must of been 12 hours straight with brief intermissions of respite, every minute an eternity, sheer hell!!
No one else can understand what’s on stage in the brain. Its big deal for us with this stage set in the brain…..and your on stage in front of yourself trying to keep it together, but that does not work most of the time. That stage might as well be a guillotine amputation of the head. We could only wish it was that easy.