too tired of standing on the outskirts looking in
isnt it scary how one person can have such a hold over you??
i wanted to sleep tonight but my mind wouldnt rest, so i went through all my text conversations from months ago.
ive long since deleted our text histories, along with your number. i wish i hadnt, i miss the cute things we said to each other when one of us was down
i honestly dont know where things stand with us. i dont know whether you hate me, or if you just think youre giving me space until im better. either way, youre not here and youre really the only person i want to talk […]
I watched a video of a man killing himself today.
He was some American politician that was accused of something and the day before his trial he called a press conference and shot himself on live TV.
I should have looked away and turned it off, but I watched it over and over again.
I should have been horrified by the violence but I was amazed by how quickly it was over for him.
This can’t be a good sign.
Does anyone else have conversations with people who are long gone?
I mean, I’m doing it all the time now. I’m not even thinking up the other side of the conversation in my head, it just comes out, reply after reply after reply to ghosts. To an outsider listening to me, they’d assume I was just on the phone.
I’ve had different variations of the last fight I ever had with him. Versions where I was on the defensive, versions where I attacked… Why did I have to stay silent when it really mattered?
If I’d spoken up when you asked me to leave and not come back, […]
Remember when he gave you that black eye?
And I broke his arm?
Where do we stand?
Why won’t you even tell me to fuck off?
Why won’t you say anything?
i used to wonder how people would react when they heard of my suicide
maybe thats why i never went through with it
i dont care how they react anymore
i know theyll be sad
… I can’t remember them that clearly anymore.
It doesn’t mean I didn’t spend hours staring into them, but times makes all memories hazy, even the best of them.
I’d like to imagine those beautiful eyes filled with tears when you’d heard what I’d done. Maybe they would if you saw what I’ve done to myself.
The mutilation.
It was never because of you, it was in spite of you. And in truth, I got off on the pain.
Why do I torture myself and peek behind the curtain to the world you’re still in? The world that everyone is in, but I’m not anymore.
I walked out of that world, […]
Sweating Profusely.
Cold all over.
Letting it All go.
Moving On.
Okay, so where I am, there isn’t long until it’s officially Valentine’s day 2015. Personally I hate the holiday, it only serves to make a lot of people miserable, myself included.
I know a lot of people are on SP because they feel alone but I want to let anyone reading this know…
I love you, and I always will no matter what. I’ll always listen if you need me to.
Well, I’m still here.
The last time I tried to do this it was so easy to get away and to be alone for hours, with no chance of anyone checking on me.
Woke up this morning, I didn’t eat because I didn’t want to. Nothing tastes right anymore. Had a shower, the warmth of the water felt nice. I forgot myself in the heat. I’d wait until she left, get the belt and go. Only she wanted me to go with her to visit relatives. After a shouting match she apologized to me and left.
Excellent, I’d been set back by half an hour, but that was […]
You were the only one I could really talk to. The only one I could tell when I wasn’t feeling alright. Only you don’t know that, you probably think it’s the opposite, that I don’t want to talk to you.
And now, you tell me you think I don’t even want to get better. Well, I don’t. Not really. I’m not cut out for it.
I would go right now but you’d probably find me.
I’ll do it tomorrow morning, when you’re out.
Don’t think it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do, unconditionally. But this is how it’s meant to be.
I had 2 dreams last night. The […]
Don’t you hate it when you’re so certain you want to go, and you meet someone new and they fuck it up?
Someone new and interesting who actually wants to get to know you.
I want to leave but I want to speak to you more.
So confused.
Here’s to you Scott.
I didn’t know you long but you’ll leave a lasting impression with me.
Sleep well now old timer.
TC always helps keep the suicidal thoughts at bay.
Do you ever find yourself writing letters that you’ll never send? I don’t mean actual pen and paper letters, like maybe written down on your computer or as a draft in your inbox?
I’m doing it more often these days.
I write letters to everyone. Family. Friends. And you.
I think if I went I’d want them to be delivered to people. They are my essence. My everything. I don’t know any kind of post mortem delivery system for the suicidal though.
I find myself staring at the belt more and more. Nothing special. An old brown leather belt. It holds my weight, I’ve checked. So does the bed […]
1. My dog.
2. nothing else.
Things I won’t miss
1. Disappointing everyone
2. Putting everyone on edge.
3. Messing up on a daily basis
4. The friends I thought I had.
5. The fact that you moved on before you’d scrubbed my blood off of your doorstep.
6. That you told me to die because I said I loved you and I needed your help.
I am sorry if you thought I ever blamed you, I really didn’t and I still don’t. You never were the cause of my problems, but I tried to make you the solution. I hope you’re happy in everything you do. I hope you never tell your kids […]
It’s funny isn’t it? We make plans and nine times out of ten they never come to fruition. I feel like my clock is ticking down. Do you remember that music video by Nickelback, I don’t know what song it was for, but it had a guy who could see when people were going to die by using little LED clocks above their heads.
Yeah, I feel like that guy when I look in the mirror, only the time keeps jumping around. I think it’s levelling out and there isn’t much left.
I’m cold and shivering all over and I can’t warm myself up. My legs barely […]
A long time ago I used to count down the days until stupid things like when school would start again, or when I would finally move out of the house. Now that I’m a sort of adult those things are just ridiculous. I count down to something much more important. To the day that I will attempt suicide again and I will succeed. It’s scary that I’m writing this down publicly because it’s been a secret I’ve kept to myself for so long now. I’m not looking for a way out, I’m not looking to change my mind, I’ve tried all that and it’s exhausting, […]
Hi there,
I spent the past 3 or 4 months feeling suicidal, I attempted 3 times, the last time being a month ago. I had to have my heart restarted and spent days in the hospital and days after that being seen by specialists. The thing is I was so certain I wanted to die and that if I didn’t succeed somehow I would try it again. I even put in my note that I would try it again and again until I succeeded. But something has changed, I can’t explain it, I don’t have suicidal urges anymore. I don’t even think about suicide… at least […]
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