Sometimes the reason why some things happen is “Because FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY!!”
I just came back from an interesting night. A random camping night at the beach. Tho after some events the night seemed to be turning into NOT what I expected BUT it became more pleasant and peaceful than what I could imagine.
First it was the company, tho it was people I know, is not the kind of people I got use to do things with this past few years. So didn’t know what to expect. Adding to that was my “fear” of thinking of her again, miss her right there in the middle of nowhere, wishing she was there. Wanting her by my side. Yet knowing that no matter what she wouldn’t be there because she is no longer part of my life. Tho she is my soulmate, the one. Lola, I thought of you all night long, but it didn’t hurt, I missed you without pain that night. I love you…
Then out of nowhere people arrived to the beach, it was around 3:00 am I think, I don’t know. I forgot I had a phone on my backpack or that there was life after that beautiful moment under a mantle of stars on that beautiful dark sky. The point is that this little pack of people showed up, drinking, partying, making noise, doing their thing. It was, of course, a reason to be pissed, bothered and not feel comfortable enough to enjoy the night. After all is not what I had planned; I expected and wanted a silent conversation with the sea, nothing else. But things never happen the way I expect… Still something inside always kept me cool. And despite the noise it kept me focused on two things, the sea and the sky. I decide to go for a walk; “people, life around will always creates uncomfortable situations around you” i thought. It can be seen as some kind of test. Actually feels that way because your reaction to those situations, your decisions will modify the results. As in everything in life. Most I think.
So… I go for a walk, not really expecting for anything to happen but kinda aware that is a possibility, something always happens. After all it wasn’t going to be my first neither my last experience under this type of circumstances. I’m trying to let go of the fact that they are disturbing my peace; I try to concentrate hard enough that my peace is inside and has nothing to do with my outside. I walked around and went back to the side where I was. I stand on top of this small rock in the middle of the water. I would like to describe my feeling while I was on top of that rock. It was like a fight, a fight inside between who would get my attention. Noise around me, myself, the sky or the sea. I get a bit lost again on the sea and the sky. All of the sudden few of those people come close to me with an aggressive-invasive tone. Fear was what I detected the most; fear out of ignorance is dangerous, I know this very well. Politely I tell this guy who talked to me as if he had some kind of power over me to go back to do his thing and I keep doing mine. “Go back to your drinking and partying and leave me alone; have a good night” Those were my words. He kinda wanted to threaten me I guess, since they were talking about taking the guns and knives out. I got scare honestly, my friends were asleep and I was unarmed; but I didn’t panicked, didn’t pay much attention to it. It was automatic, they talked and I couldn’t care less. They leave, shout a lot of stuff, speak high enough for me to hear; insults and some other stuff. I don’t lose it, after all is just ignorance at it’s best. Amazing since it takes half of that for me to explode, lose it and go nuts.
They go back to their business, I try to submerge myself in mine even more. More people appear with more noise to give. Mosquitoes are killing me, yet the night couldn’t be more beautiful and perfect. I go inside the camping house. I’m worried, tired but worried; can’t sleep. What if someone steals my bag? I left it outside, my wallet is there, my mom’s phone is there… I’ll be in deep shit. But I don’t try to get it inside. I just try to relax, tell myself everything will be alright. I sleep. Despite the noise, my frustration and fear, I lose myself into morpheus arms. I must say I slept like a baby. I woke up a lot, just like one, but it wasn’t stressing, I would simply close my eyes and go back to sleep. Night passes by. I wished I would’ve stayed up all night. Sky was beautiful. Black and deep, stars everywhere; somewhat unreal, surreal. Peaceful, warm, alone. Dear solitude I’m falling for you.
I woke up. The moment couldn’t be more perfect. Still noise. But no rush, no stress, frustration, fear or madness. Just nothing. Is just me, an intoxicating feeling of gratitude, this wonderful beach ahead and from side to side and the hope of a perfect sunrise. I stretch, walk, breath in an out. I run a bit on the shore; dogs, I stop and go back. Can’t hear the noise anymore, just the waves as if they talked, sing. A dog appears and sits down, not in my way but close; Looking at my direction but not exactly to me. I stop, for some reason I sit on the sand and look at the same direction. Surprise!! Sunrise.
One of them said, we are at the west point, therefore we cannot appreciate a sunrise at it’s best. Wrong! It was just perfect for me. I catch it just rising over the buildings on the pier. This incandescent sphere that looks so cold from this perspective. As it goes up my eyes create this protective lid from it’s brightness. Never noticed before, but I did today.
This perfect fire sphere looked like a medieval round gold shield reflecting the light of god from everywhere you looked at it. Superb. Magnificent.
I’m hypnotized by its dance as it comes up, by it’s bright as it gets shinier. By it’s peaceful constant movement so quick yet subtle. Lovely like a romantic poem. Almost fake, but so real. A miracle that happens every morning and no a lot seem to notice. Amazing even tho is so common. The noise disappeared completely. I just remember it’s beauty as it reflects it’s bright on the calm waters turning it into orange and deep blue-gray. As everything so awesome and beautiful it didn’t last long. I thank for it and ask for this “Please give me courage to accept the things I can’t change and change those I can”
Everything after that was just small talk. Should’ve stayed quiet. Next time.
I find myself crying. It seems to be the only thing I’m constant and good at lately. I find myself bursting into tears moment after moment. I try to hold on to those moments of clarity when my energy shifts and my ideals and desires seem so clear. But I can’t, this wave of pain seems to catch me over and over again and no matter how hard I paddle it strikes and submerge me into it’s darks waters.
I feel lost, confused and covered by this dark shadow that rarely allows light to come in. I tried once to commit suicide, in a moment of desperation I cut my wrist over something I cannot recall. It’s been almost 4 years since that happened and I’ve never been able to fully understand the real motive why I did it that day.
Death has been in my head over and over for a long time now. I crave for it day after day. I’ve been in situations that lasts moths where dying was not an option. I had something, someone to live for, never myself, but someone else to look after. Clarity comes from time to time, it feels like a cold breeze calming the fire on my skin. I don’t want it to end, but it always does. Im always scared, scared that it wont come back and i’ll burn down to ashes.
I don’t want to loose hope. I don’t want to surrender to this feeling of fear, pain, desperation. I desperately need to breath, go back to surface. I’m drowning. But my legs seem not respond most of the time and is in the frontier with death that i finally manage to go back to surface for what it feels a second, i breath and i’m pulled back into those dark waters.
Fear and pain became my day to day life. I struggle against them while awake, in my sleep. There seems to be no moment of peace, silence. So I long for death. Think of all the things I could do to finally shut everything down. But in my experience alcohol, drugs, party, love, sex… none of thins actually helped me quiet the noise inside. So I have this strong belief that death wont either. I fear that i’ll spend eternity crying out loud without being able to hear myself scream. Just wandering around nothingness with noise increasing inside my head.
I desperately need to get things better cuz I understood that my only choice is to keep walking. But fear makes the pain unbearable, makes life tedious and bitter. I crave for happiness, a smile. I don’t remember how to smile.
I’m confused. I don’t know if i’m dead or alive.