The post I published didn’t appear so this is a test post to make sure I’m able to publish blogs here. If this works, I’ll re-post the other entry, if not then such as life…
1. You have no idea how much pain the suicidal person is going through. You have no right to decide whether they should suffer or not.
2. You only have control over your own life. Don’t ever try to control someone else’s!
And 3. Who are you, anyway, to decide whether a suicidal person is ready to die yet, is to young or too this or that, to die? You say that suicidal people don’t care about you, for example, how you’d feel if they died and you missed them.
Excuse me? Did you consider how they would feel if they had to continue living in their current situation? Did you? “Oh, I miss so-and-so!” “I didn’t appreciate such-and-such a person killing themselves!” You’re saying that so long as they’re alive it’s ok if they’re suffering, but if they died it’s not ok for you to suffer because they’ve left you behind? Ok selfish “I don’t like suicide”, how about you stop being so selfish too, and let people do what they have to do to live, or die, with dignity. You have to do what you have to do too, so stop your attitude with suicidal people.
I’m watching The Bridge documentary, and someone reckons they have no answer for why people commit suicide. That’s because they don’t understand tat the answer is simply that people are in too much pain to live any more. Suicide is an answer. Just because to some it’s the wrong answer, doesn’t make it not the answer. And saying “Oh I don’t know the answer to why people kill themselves”, doesn’t make the answer any less deniable. It’s right there in front of these religious goody-two-shoes if they’d choose to open their eyes. They may be caring, some of those people that is, but that’s not enough to stop someone.
I had a good day today. I went for a walk, came home and cooked lunch for myself. If I have good days like these, it means I won’t be killing myself for a very very long time. If all goes well, I’ll be an old woman when I die, even if by suicide.
Sumer Kolkak is a troll. I wish he’d leave this site, and I hope he does so. He is writing useless shit that means nothing to most people.
Don’t you think it’s true that people who’re suicidal are really stopped from doing it because most people want them alive for their entertainment with no consideration of the suicidal person’s suffering?
1. It’ss ok to die whenever you want to.
2. It’s ok to try to find other ways of living if you think you’re not at the end of your tether yet.
3. Nobody ha the right to tell anybody what to do.
4. It’s not shameful to talk about suicide.
5. As much as it’s ok to die whenever, just don’t die over trivial little matters please!
6. People who don’t want their significant others/family/friends to die, need to consider why they’re suicidal in the first place, and help them.
7. You’re allowed to vent and rant! Express yourself however you want, just don’t deliberately hurt others without very very good reason.
8. Don’t worry what anybody thinks of you. You’re your own boss. It’s not up to anyone to live your life for you.
9. Try to enjoy life as much as you can. Life might or might not be worth it, but try to find some enjoyment out of it anyway.
10. If life can’t be enjoyable and there’s no good options for you, don’t let anybody get in the way of what you wish to do to relieve your suffering. You know yourself best, and you know what works for you better than anyone. If people try to change you, then tell them that they need to consider where you’re at before convincing you to think differently. People who genuinely care will support you all the way, even if it’s very hard to do so. Remember it’s your life to do whatever you want with it.
I’m gonna have coffee and cake now to put a smile on my face. Then a good walk will keep me happy for today. Another day to stay heere. Then will start process again tomorrow, with different activities to keep me happy. I’ll stay alive for longer that way. And when I get old it’ll be the same, till I find myself too frail to go on. Then I’m gonna end it. I’ve decided that’ss how I’ll know that suicide is my only and last option left, so I won’t kill myself before I get the chance to live for some experiences I might miss out on otherwise. I want to get every little crumb out of life before chucking it away.
Hello people it’s about ten after nine in the morning here, I ended up crashing last night so now I’m on here. I’ve put this blog up here to give space for people to rave and rant about anoy problems they have on their chest. I believe in one’s right to die at your own hands whenever you want. I’m just giving people another option just in case some of you want to live for a bit longer. If you still think it’s your tiime to go, then good luck to you.
At least I get to have a bit of fun tonight. I’m gonna talk to kkpeople who I get along with. I only care about people who want to treat me like a person. That’s just me. Good luck to everyone.
Good luck to those who want to see me as a ****. Up to you, but you need to consider you’re probably no better so don’t call me judgmental when it’s ok to be that way yourselves
To Mum and Dad,
Both of you are fucking horrible people to hang around. Dad, I disowned you early last year, and Mum, I disowned you at the end of last year. You and dad are alcoholic ugly people who gave me life with no regards to what your actions would do to me and my two brothers. We made choices, but you also helped us make the wrong choices. I hope you both fall off a cliff tomorrow. Kill yourselves so I and many others do not have to think about you anymore. You are not my parents, even though you are biologically. You are not my parents emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Fuck you.
Mum, you blame everyone else for what you do, and that’s what you go off at Dad about. How do you expect Dad to act when you can’t even follow your own advice? You also expect sympathy off people when you don’t give it yourself. You now have a fuckhead boyfriend who you expect attention from every second of the day. Listen to yourself! You expect what you don’t give in the first place! And when you can’t even practise what you preach, how the frigging hell do you expect other people to do the same? Um, isn’t it called setting by example? Mum, you’ve got no idea at all. And if you don’t like me talking down to you, how about you act like a grown woman and admit that you’re in deep water and need more help than you credit yourself for? Dad, you’re not far behind. You and Mum argued all the time, yet you didn’t acknowledge how horrible you were either. You and Mum just passed the buck all the time. How I wish you’d given me your gun at the time so I could die by it! But no, it wasn’t meant to be. Mum and Dad, you’re two dickheads who wonder why you don’t see any of your family.
You were both helpful to me. But one of you, I’ll call you J1 to keep you anon, you were fucking painful at times. One minute we were good brother and sister, the next minute we were at each other’s throats. So last year I disowned you. J2, I love you too. I haven’t totally disowned you, but I don’t try to talk to you either. J1 and J2, you have wives, but I’m sorry, I hate them. J1’s wife is a control freak *****, and J2’s wife is a nasty, fuckhead selfish thing. Me and my abusive mother mothered J2’s children on account of the cow J2 is married to. J2, I hope you’re grateful for that. You didn’t like how Mum was acting, so you just kept your distance from her but kept being polite. I don’t know how you managed that, but you did. J1, I hope to never meet your kids when you have them, and I don’t want to ever talk to you again. You have admitted that you can be a real arsehole at times, but if you can’t admit that you’re also hurtful to me, fuck you and I hope you disappear. I eventually admitted that I won’t trust you again and that I’m a bad sister to you. So fuck me too. We’re both never going to be good to each other. That’s ok, let’s just never see each other. I never loved you that much anyway.
J2, I hope to say hi to you one day, but don’t expect me to talk to your horrible wife again. Please wish your kids well. J2 Junior, I hope you’re having a good day. C Junior, you’re a wonderful child too. I love you. M Juniour, you’re a beautiful little girl. You’re a prim and serious person, but because you’re so young I can’t blame you. You have a lot of growing up to do. And you’re reacting to your mother’s and father’s upbringing how you know best to react. You’re wonderful too. It just takes a firm hand to keep you under control, but when you’re being a reasonable child, you’re a joy to be around. And I didn’t mind helping you evven if I did have to be harsh with you. At least you understood your place with me and we could have a reasonable ajunty and niece relationship.
To my grandparents from Mum’s side,
I hate both of you. All you do is cause trouble. With me and with the rest of the family. You have torn the family apart. You have torn my brothers away from their mother, you have also torn me away from her in a way. Here is how. For one, you didn’t give a fuck when you knew Mum needed help, but you denied it to her. You make me feel like spewing, then taking an attempted-suicide trip to hospital because of that. You are fucking low-lifes. I don’t ever want to talk to you again, and if you come anywhere near me, I will tell you to your face to fuck right the damn hell off. You cause trouble and then act like the innocent puppies in the situation. Ok then, go and puppy-pamper yourselves then. We don’t need that shit from you. You molly-coddle your favourite alcoholic daughter as though she never did anything wrong, while denying that you ever abused her when she was little. You are so fucked Nan and Pop. When we get sick, you try so hard to get attention out of it. You downplay how sick people are, if you have to help them, you try to get credit for the help, knowing the only reason is so you can look good in front of everyone because you don’t care about said persons other than that they’re ill and need help, but really you want the attention. I wish this was a different scenario. But I’m upset that it isn’t. You are so fucking loathsome when I think of how you leech life out of people.
Nan and Pop, you are so good at victimising people. However, you cannot victimise me anymore. I won’t let you. I hate you, and you are not welcome to talk to me or see me again. You aren’t welcome to see my family again either. You are such fucking liars. You wonder why your immediate family is the way they are. They may have made their own choices, but you made sure they would eventually make these choices by the way you treated them as children. Fuck you! I can’t say it enough, how you pretend that the world is fine while you go on trying to make strife, knowing all too well how hurtful you are but you don’t give two damn stuffs. The only reason you were sympathetic to Mum’s attempted suicide years ago, is because you got a hit out of it. Nan, you cried because you didn’t want her to die. But iyou didn’t think for two seconds how hurtful you are to her, and how hurtful she is to me, resulting now in me and Mum having nothing to do with each other. Pop, you just stood back and let it all happen. I’m sure you wanted Mum to live, but at the same time, you’re so psychopathic in that you liked the attention her suicide attempt brought you. it’s ok to enjoy the feeling of having saved someone. But it’s not ok to feel good that you got sympathy and a nice feeling of satisfaction that the person tried to kill themselves and you saved them so it was a good thing that they tried to die. But because you knew Mum wouldnt come back, you both got upset. But this is where you make me so angry. You got upset, but didn’t give a fuck about the reasons for why she tried to die. You just cared that she tried to die, but you were happy that you could get sympathy and satisfaction, instead of being a bit normal and sympathetic to why she tried to commit suicide. If you had of wanted sympathy over wanting her to be alive and were wishing her well and hoping she wouldn’t try to do it again, and you’d helped her a lot more than you did, your sympathy and satisfaction would have been considered more reasonable to wanting the best interests of someone. But no, you didn’t want Mum to try to kill herself, but yet you still wanted sympathy for yourself and fuck her, just so long as she can stay alive, that’s all that matters. Well, grandparents, up your nose too. Thank you for destroying your family, and thank you for helping me feel good about feeling fucking sick over this. Not really. I’m just being sarcastic because you know damn well that you won’t get to me anymore and you know damn well that since I don’t enjoy getting sick and I don’t enjoy dramas, unlike you, I don’t have to accept you and I don’t have to put up with you. So goodbye. Don’t ever see me again.
To my grandparents on dad’s side,
You’re no better. You treat your son like royalty, knowing how much of a criminal he is. He claims to have reformed and all the other shit he comes up with. Fuck you! He is just saying that because he knows he can get away with it. You’ve got no idea how much you’ve hurt your son from when he was born, by not disciplining him correctly. There’s no definitive way of discipline, but coddling a child when they’ve done something wrong is definitely not the way! Also, brutally beating a child and carrying on like whacking someone around the head is going to fix everything, wont fix a fucking God damn thing. You mistreated your son and possibly a lot of your other children and extended family. Now you have a dirty rotten father in the making, who brought me into the world. It’s not my fault I’m here. So don’t you dare convince anyone of otherwise. right or wrong, I’m just getting in first. You’re the type who loves people to their faces but you hate them behind their backs. Good for you! Do that to someone else. You’re not welcome in my life either. I want family around me, but the family that you, and my Mum’s parents have created, isn’t family enough and I fucking hate it. You and the rest okf your mob are flaming fucking dumb, save for a few people of course, from Dad’s and Mum’s side. Yous are so fucking stuck-up. Good luck to you. Just don’t expect me to say hi to you when we’re on the street.
To one set of Aunt and Uncles, set 1 as I’ll call them here,
You’ve been really good to me. I love you both a lot! Yes we’ve had ups and downs. I’ve even argued with you a few times. I’ve threatened to never see you again. One night I was gonna attempt suicide secretly without warning absolutely anyone because I had a big argument with you. Some of it was my fault, except that I had no intentions of being demanding at the time, not a fucking damn reason to whatsoever. You just took me the wrong way because you were stressed out and crabby. Sorry. But when I mean well and people take it wrong, I get really angry because I thought that at the time you were ungrateful for me asking about something in case you’d forgotten. It was over a cup of coffee I was waiting for. Anyway, who cares. I’m over it now. For the most part we get along.
Set 2 of unts and Uncles,
You both are disgusting. Step Uncle in this instance, you are such a dirty rotten arsehole. You’re like the other two fucks, but in different ways, who were with Aunty 2. I hate you. I thought you were an all right bloke tiill I heard some little secrets – I just couldn’t believe you’d call my cousin’s little son a ****** and whatnot. You are such a fucking dick. Aunty 2, you mistreated your kids something shocking, and you favour your little girl over the rest of them. Although your other two kids talk to you on and off, really they couldn’t give a fuck about you in the end. You treated them badly on and off, and now you favour the little girl, you used to mistreat her. You are evil. I don’t have anything nice to say about you. I didn’t have anything nice to say about most of them, but to you? I hardly ever talk to you so I have nothing much to say of you anyway.
Suicide can be a relief
But when life gets better and you know it’ll get worse again, then better, then worse,
What do you do when you’re in a good period
And you know that somewhere down the track you’ll have a bad patch,
Which you know will be hard to tolerate let alone get through?
It’s like sometimes I want to die over knowing that today is fine but tomorrow may not be…
Yet if I were to die today, tomorrow might be fine!
So I don’t die, hoping for the best,
Knowing that I could be hoping in vane,
Or I could be hoping with success.
I never know until life happens because it’s so random…
That’s what I hate about this life
Yet I love it in a way because there’s good times in it.
Hi people I’ve been reading a lot of depressed stuff on here lately and I know the feeling have been there and done that! I live in Australia somewhere, so tonight at like 9 pm EST, I’m gonna be on here for anyone to rant about whatever they damn want to: Be it suicide, weather, cheerful talk, hate, love, depression, sex, drinking, rock and roll, etc! I’ll post another blog on here to let everyone know I’m here if you want! I’ll keep that blog up here for a good few hours… And you lot can rant about whatever you want! Get it all off your chest in the comments section and there’s no limits to how much or little you put up here. I’ll make a space for everyone and I’m willing to make comments and such to give advice or just chitchat stuff and whatnot. The offer is there if you want…
I’m a weak person but just a few people keep me strong enough to survive!
I’m a weak person but these few people won’t give up on me so unless they and my docs give up, I can’t…
I never keep promises unless I reeeeeeeally have to
The only reason I keep any promises is when either the law or the medical establishment forces me to keep them…
I’m a survivor and haven’t yet killed myself, nor have I gone with counting down five years from now to die at my own hands, because I was made to swear that I wouldn’t attempt suicide again, nor ask to be helped to die again, by who? The fucking doctors. I love them, yet they give me a hard burden to bear. I love one friend in this world, a few family members only.
I never believed in the Hypocratic Oath, not ever. Never trusted doctors. Not ever. Till a couple of weeks ago when I was getting ready for a prosthesis, and when I felt reeeeeally yuck because of some procedures I didn’t like, I decided it was time to go. I asked the doctor to shoot me. At first it seemed to be a joke. Then the next time I said: “I want you to lie me on my back and shoot me!” The doctor then said no in a very discouraging tone, then gently told me I have a bit of life left in me. In order to leave, he had to know that I was feeling a bit better, and he had to see I could think straight, and that I wouldn’t be feigning feeling ok just so I could commit suicide later on. The family member who heard my confession to this doctor, supported him, yet understood my concerns for my suffering. Luckily for me, the few family members who love me, helped me get over that shit. Now I’m all right today, yet I have this burden to bear, that I must keep promises I so hate! I only keep promises that suit my agenda.
I’ve never been a good promise-keeper. I literallly need others to make me keep promises, otherwise I do not follow my word unless it’s what I want. I’m a bit thankful for people doing that, but at other times I find this so intrusive and annoying! Yet in a way I’m able to survive when it takes a doctor to make me keep promises, even in front of some of the family. At least I know that because of this, these same people really love me. Maybe I need more people to force me to keep promises, only I have to be certain that whoever makes me promise things that will help me out, is genuinely caring. So far, the people who couldn’t give a fuck about me, don’t make me promise to look after myself. As for the other percentage of non-caring people, they don’t check to see if I’m all right. The few people who do, congrats to them. And to the doctors, thanks! And no thanks sometimes, when I’m sooooooo angry at the world. But for the most part, thanks to you, I’m living a much happier life today. I hate the shit in this world, but I’m just separating myself from it and making my own way. It’s working. But as soon as I get incapacitated by something whether it be cancer, old age, or whatever won’t be cured, I’m going. Hopefully it’ll just be the old age that I commit suicide for, before it gets me.
I’d been suicidal on and off for years, since I was an early teen. Family problems were a part of that, but in this post I won’t go into that. What I’ll rant on about is what happened last year to get this all started. You might find some reference to snippets of what I’m going to say in great detail, in previous posts from me. Last year I had to get one of my eyes sorted. There was calcium in it, and I was put in hospital a few times because the doctors wanted to save it from getting worse. Brief story is that this didn’t work out. Anyway, last year in I think November, I’d gotten calcium scraped off my right eye, and was suffering from a lot of medication side effects, of which my grandmother didn’t accept as something bad for me. She didn’t feel my pain or how bad I felt, so it didn’t matter to her. I hated her for that. I then blurted out after spewing up a lot and listening to her trivialise my feelings about this, downplaying how serious this was even though the nurses were trying to control it and what not, anyway I blurted out that I wanted to die, to commit suicide.
Nan laughed at me. She said I wasn’t gonna die, and not to say that, rubbing my back in an apparent sympathetic gesture. However, knowing who she is, she was again downplaying me. I know what sympathy is, and I know what downplaying is. After all that crap, lfe seemed to get better. Until December, when I didn’t realise a contact lens was still in my eye, and this is what caused a lot of pain. Another family member took me to the hospital after a bit of mucking around at the doctors, and anyway this person was supportive. She noted that I wasn’t reacting very well to a painkiller. Fast forward to a few months ago, this same person took me to the hospital so I could prepare for a day surgery. She nicely told the doctors on my behalf that I had bad reactions to certain medications which we listed. They helped me out and things were all right with that. Then April came. My right eye had to go. I had to have one medication taken off me, even though I thought that I was ok with taking this drug, but the doctor didn’t think so. I wanted to die that day, of a codeine overdose. All because of my eye and having to put up with medicine changes. Back in December I tried to suffocate, after spewing up, and because I didn’t want to face this in and out of hospital crap with my eye. Then in April I had to stay in the hospital for an extra day to get rid of the drug side effects and to be sure I wasn’t leaving to die at home.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. I was having a good time. I went to another city to get my right eye sorted out, for good. Today it’s all right… But a couple of weeks ago I had to put up with four little procedures to make it that way. On the Wednesday, my two procedures were painful, which wasn’t this doctor’s fault. We bitched about my other ophthalmologists, but then he could sort of see why they had to be a bit aggressive about making my eye socket bigger. It couldn’t be too big either, so now I can understand, I just couldn’t do so back then. Anyway! By the time I’d put up with a fair bit of shitting around on that day, I felt reeeeally sick. I can’t stand having anything shoved into my face let alone other procedures, I just couldn’t trust this doctor. I simply don’t trust any of them. It’s my trust issue really. It got in the way. I wanted nothing more to do with procedures.
I eventually told the doctor as he was finishing up with what he had to do, that I wanted him to shoot me. He didn’t believe me at first. So when I asked him to liie me down to shoot me, he took it seriously. I freaked out. I felt as though I’d never get to where I’d ask a doctor to euthanise me. I’d allways wanted my suicide to be a secret, at least the initial plan and attempt. I knew someone would eventually find me. But no, I finally had to tell someone, a doctor of all people. I do remember weeks before this, I had told my cousin to give me a gun so I could die then, but then that was ages ago, and I knew he wouldn’t be allowed to assist with suicide, and he’d find out if I’d tried to steal his gun. So I dropped that idea. I thought that maybe the doctor had more authority to get away with helping me die, but I found out that he also is not allowed to euthanise people.
When I think back on all this, and my past history of about nine months, it was this doctor, and maybe one other one, who saved my life. Now that my family knows, they don’t impose on my space at all, but they want to know what I’ve been up to after a while of me not seeing them. They’ve always been this way. But now they’re more concerned. When it comes back to how I hate promises so much, I now have to swear black and blue that I’ve just been walking, lazing around, playing games etc. It’s true though. Lately I’ve been thinking of suicide plans, but unlike what I was like a few weeks ago, a few months ago even, I haven’t actively tried to attempt to hide a suicide attempt. My plans are now in my mind, more for if I get old and need a way out, or if I get a terminal illness. Hopefully not the latter!
My family, the few people that is, who love me, are relaxing more and more each day. Their idea of finding me dead one day or finding me attempting suicide, or catching me out questioning someone into helping me, is getting more and more to be a remote memory. I’m glad for that. I didn’t care about the fuckheads who I know only want to use me for what they can get out of me. I did care about those who really care about me. I didn’t want to scare them. I still don’t want them to freak out if they don’t see me for a few days.
As for my grandparents, I hope she goes to a part of hell where people will pretend to sympathise with her when she’s sick, only for them to turn on her later. Sorry that’s so morbid, but that’s what she does and has done to me. We’ve had a love-hate relationship for years, now it’s a purely hate one. If someone is sick and/or spewing up, you don’t try to downplay what is happening! People don’t want advice when they’re at their lowest. They want to hear “I’m sorry this is happening to you. I love you! Loo it’s all right now, we’re trying to help you see? You’ll be better in a while, here, what do you want me to do for you right now?” Stuff like that would havve been really appreciated, and wouldn’t have elicited ongoing suicide plans and attempts in the making. So my grandparents can both die tomorrow for all I care. They cared about my other aunty’s fuckhead rotten drunkard husband so much when he went into hospital, and yet he still acts like nothing is wrong. Dirty rotten thing he is! But without the low-life shit remarks, I’ll just say that this chain of events has enabled me to stay alive today. Not the suffering bit and not the miserable crap. It was the nice people who came out of the woodwork who proved to me that I don’t have to die yet. And even thouggh I won’t keep promises of my own accord, I’m still going because people are teaching me how to keep them. And people are still helping me stay strong. I’ve learnt that I don’t need many people in my life to survive. It’s not how many people I have around me, it’s who I have around me that matters. Just one person who can make my day is better than the rest of the dickhead world that still exists without a care for any soul.