Tomorrow’s my first day at the new college. I don’t know if I should be happy about that or should I grieve, I’m at a loss. Â It seems like the best option for me is not to care, like at all. I’m trying to, very hard. I’ll meet my new group mates, and they will meet me. For them I will be nothing but a new girl, or the 13th girl. They know nothing about me. And I have decided not to tell them anything about who I am, nothing about my disturbing past. Only the obvious details they won’t fail to notice. The facts […]
Dead bird (dream interpretation):
threat to ideas or hopes of freedom;
feeling life is only material;
an ideal or hope has died;
a flight of imagination or creativity has fallen;
one’s spirit feeling defeated or crushed;
a loss of sense of beauty or meaning in life.
My life is a big piece of wrongful humor.
I wish I could dig my regrets deep down, break my sorrows, and let go of my sins.
Who’s that uncredited monster that dwells behind the scenes of my life? I will find you and kill you.
There is no such thing as routine. There is regular disorder.
Everything is possible… Until a choice has been made.
It won’t be what can’t be.
Forgive the truth for its cruelty.
Are you frightened? I’ve got a cup of pleasure for you.
Things, which make you cry, should reverse.
They are laughing, again. May they choke on their laugh.
Destroy all, destroy all or nothing.
Spin, spin,
Spin around,
Desperate to stop.
Stride, stride,
Here you come
Striding at the top.
Play, play
With your mind,
Daughter of the odds,
With your pretty eyes gone blind
You’re breaking on the rocks.
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Nature has fixed no limits on our hopes.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Hope is nothing but wishful waiting.
Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
Hope is the little voice you hear whisper “maybe” when it seems the entire world is shouting “never!”
Hope is the upside of despair.
Hope is not the last to die but the dream is.
The miserable have no other medicine but only hope.
Beware how you take away hope from […]
An elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art.
Bad art is more tragically beautiful than good art because it documents human failure.
There’s too much beauty to quit. There’s too much goddamn beauty.
Your troubles will cease and fortune will smile upon you.
So recently I got my hands on some prescription medications and here we go again, that much I was tempted to take them and end it all. My outdated concepts came back to lure me. I even set the date in my mind. Thank goodness I decided to do some research first. And what I found immediately cast off all my doubts. Although those are quite potent drugs that do kill in an overdose, but however unsurprisingly, even in good combination it would take as long as 24 hours before death occurs. I certainly don’t have as much time, so I had to bitterly put […]
A week of coincidences. Those unhappy bitches just never let up. Every time I take a step aside, there they emerge, out of nowhere. Every time I do particular things, either intentionally or unintentionally, no matter what the outcome is. Much like someone trying to tell me:  Stick to the same route, or you know you’ll regret it. It STILL has me wondering, who is behind the wheel of my life? I only know it ain’t me.
I’ve been sleeping badly this past week. I don’t even know if I’ve been sleeping at all. It could be that drinking 10 cups of coffee in a day until […]
It’s been awhile since I’m here. and I find myself coming here more and more often. Because nothing else interests me anymore. I can’t think about anything else. I think death just avoids me. I mean, every single day I hear about people getting in accidents or falling ill and dying. And every day, it’s not me. I ask myself why, and I can answer this question, weirdly though. BECAUSE NOBODY IN THE WORLD LEADS SUCH AN EMPTY LIFE AS MINE. People do something, go somewhere, engage themselves, and they get things happening. I don’t. I am too afraid to do something. I am afraid […]
I sit at the table. And there’s a teddy resting under my chair. I sit here alone, in this room. No one knows I sit here. I don’t know whether it’s day or night, I don’t care. The air is light and it smells of quartz, so lulling. The whole room is blue, only the lamp on the table is pale yellow, like a moth. I sit here and dream, and I talk to the lamp. The clock on the wall is ticking rhythmically, like a metronome…Â
I pick up the teddy from under the chair, and I put it on the table […]
Yes, that’s what my mother struggled to rub in me yesterday. All because I left my university without her goddamn permission in the midterm. I found a job, she wouldn’t let me work. She claims that I’m living in a kind of faitytale. She wants me to study, study, study… I’m so sick of it. I’m in for a fuckload of problems now. She is running out of money. I am running out of patience. Having to wait for another half-year to be able to work in the summer and pick up the fucking money I need to buy a gun. If I make a […]
You don’t realize how I hate the routine, doing the same things every day without anything ever changing! Idk, maybe some people can stand it, but I can’t. To diversify my daily life a little I keep staring here, in my laptop screen. Well, I’ll do so until I turn blind I guess. However, even this last source of poor joy doesn’t always work right. In more than 3 years of being on-line I haven’t become any wiser or made a single damn friend. So now it’s only a way to help while away the time. Miserable,huh? You may not answer.
Yeah, I’m turning 20 in […]
Whatever it might cost, a look into the future,
Forsaken but not lost,
Nor given in to torture,
Like noises in the wall, no one will notice,
You know you will fall
And drown in misfortune.
Crowned by the doom, you almost see it coming,
To stand or to give up,
You can figure nothing.
Then you retrace your steps, and when the world rejoices
You stumble back and forth,
You’re torn between the choices…
And the disaster gleams, beckoning the reverie
You’re dwelling into dreams
You know astral travelling,
Far away from scorns and senseless agitations
You’re breaking into thorns
Of […]
I failed again last night. I’m only happy no one knows. I’ve got very few choices left. They’re so fuckin’ elaborate, and I’m so tired. The whole week I’ve been watching the same movie over and over again. I hate myself for that. I used to love it, now I can’t comprehend it. It’s surprising how things reverse. Always for the worst.
Not to forget, merry Christmas to everyone.
I have died in my dreams a hundred times. I have tried to kill myself several times in my waking life, which seems more like a living nightmare to me. Â In all the 20 years I’ve lived I haven’t done a single good thing. All I have is regrets, though when I come to rethink the steps I took and the choices I made there doesn’t seem to be another way I could have gone.
I have been a complete failure since my childhood. But back then I took life much easier because my childhood activities took me away from all the bad thoughts and my […]
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