miszion

lately ive been so uninspired, I’ve had zero confidence, and I have felt so, so lonely.

I’m writing a paper on my biggest inspiration (David Bowie) and I don’t feel like I care about it at all. I haven’t been spending as much time with my friends, and my free time is spent glued to my bed.

i know it’ll be better in the summer. I’m going to NOLA with my best friend, and in just a few weeks I’m traveling to LA with her as well. the sunshine will do me good.

i just gotta get through the winter.

do your emotions hold weight?

I mean, real, actual weight.

my sadness is stronger than I am. right now it feels like I’m wearing cinder blocks as shoes, like I have sandbags tied to my wrists, as if my limbs weigh 100 pounds each and I can’t move around. I’m at work, just trying to get through this last hour before I close up, but I feel so fucking heavy and I can’t find the strength to break free of it.

I keep checking my phone. I don’t know why. I’m sort of hoping to get a message from someone who can distract me, or make me feel […]

another

sleepless

night

my windows are open again, even though it’s much colder than the other night.

there’s a loud silence in the room.

do you remember ever feeling happy? I know at some point I must’ve been, even in just small moments. that counts, right? fleeting still happened.

i must’ve been happy as a child, in Disney world with my grandmother. I know it happened but I barely remember it

I imagine I was happy when I visited my best friend in New York City for my birthday last summer, and returned only two months later on an impromptu I-gotta-get-outta-here trip. I say that i love New York City but I […]

can’t sleep, and no one else is awake. It’s not terribly cold out tonight, so I have my window open (I love sleeping with the windows open) and it’s bringing a strong wave of nostalgia.

i think of nights where I went to sleep with a smile on my face, where I looked forward to waking up. I listen to the wind and the gentle slapping of the loose wooden gate outside and wonder why I feel so alone.

i don’t look forward to waking up anymore. I push myself to sleep as much as I can when I’m not at work so I don’t have to […]

last night one of my best friends tried to force herself on me. I’m a (mostly) straight female and have never shown any interest in her. she made me feel so incredibly objectified. I rejected her over and over and she wouldn’t take no for answer, but ended up crying herself to sleep, after her guilt trips on me didn’t work.

”But it’s been so long for me. I’m so lonely. And I’ve done so much for you. What about all of the times I’ve driven you home from work?”

she asked me if I thought she was ugly. she asked me why nobody wants to be […]

I’m 23, and I’ve been depressed and suicidal since I was 12 years old. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. These past few weeks, it’s as if my depression is literally weighing me down- when I’m at work it takes so much effort to just write something, let alone pretend to be perfectly fine when talking to clients and coworkers. I know I’m not alone, in fact more than one of my close friends also suffer from depression, anxiety, etc. but that doesn’t help me feel any better. I am incredibly weak in reality, […]