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i think i am going to tell my parents about my depression this weekend.

i cannot keep living like this.

i don’t know how much longer i can last.

I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the way I am living.  Death seems so much easier than the struggling I do every day.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t want to struggle and worry all the time.  I want to be happy and comfortable with who I am, only I don’t see that ever happening.

It seems so tempting.  I could just relieve all of this pain in a second.

I’m trying to just be. I’m trying to let my mind relax and let myself be happy. Only, I’m finding it really difficult. My mind is constantly busy with thoughts of loneliness and suicide. I’ve been through so many emotions today. I feel like I’m going mad.

Every day that I’m here is another day that I worry about. I cannot focus on anything other than the past and I hate it. I am so lost. All I really want if for someone to make my life bearable–someone who can take my mind off the things that don’t really matter.

I just want to be cared for. […]

i don’t know how to survive anymore.

i cannot live this life.

i cannot stand this pain.

i can’t do this.

that make me want to kill myself.

days when every emotion rushes to your active mind and you feel everything at once.

when being alive is more than bearable .

when the sight of myself brings disgust and hatred to my thoughts.

when loneliness is suddenly all i can think about.

when the thought of suicide feels necessary for survival.

i can’t do this.

i don’t know how.

Every moment of every day I want to end my life.  I want to just stop.

Every moment of every day I feel everything.  I feel of no importance.

Every moment of every day I think about who I am–or rather what I am not.  I think of who I want to be.

Every moment of every day I am alone.  I am no one.

I can no longer function without thinking about the end.

The end is promising.

The end is easy.
I can no longer look at myself in the mirror.

I can no longer socialize.

I can no longer live the life I dreamed of living.

I can no longer be

because […]

This life is too much. It is useless and unwanted. It is nothing.

Yet, I am still alive at this moment, drowning myself in self-pity, too much of a coward to actually end it.\

HAH. whatajoke.

There are too many thoughts in my head, too much emotion encompassing my mind.

All I want is for this emotion to stop, to be drowned out, never to return.

All I want is for that simple pull to be done with, for the emotions to be released, forever relieving the pain.

but what I really need is something more than nothing–someone more than no one.

There are moments like these when I feel like I can’t keep going.  Moments when I sit alone and think think think about what I could have been or could be.  Moments when the loneliness consumes my being and I am no longer hopeful.

In these moments all my hope shatters.  All I want, all I need is for someone to care, to really, truly care.   I need for someone to be here with me, keeping me alive, helping me survive in all this hopelessness.

Is this selfish of me?

When I wake up in the mornings I feel everything. I go through the day and I feel hatred. I hate who I am and who I want to be. I hate the idea that my life wasn’t my choice, that I am surviving while there are thousands of people dying who deserve to be alive. Every moment of every day I feel too much emotion for my mind to handle. I feel anger toward others and myself. I feel alone, more alone than I’ve ever felt before. But the worst part is that every second I am thinking […]