…. they do.
I just
want
the pain
to stop.
My friend A_____ turned 50 last year. I organized a nice little birthday gathering for him, which was especially meaningful for everyone since he’s battling mantle cell lymphoma (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mantle_cell_lymphoma), and optimistically has another five years to live.
I’ve known A_____ for at least five years. I certainly considered him a friend before his cancer diagnosis several years ago, and as soon as I knew what he was facing, I promised myself that whatever support he needed, I would always be there for him.
We’ve always had a very easygoing, normal friendship. He has always treated me with nothing but […]
A little over a year ago, a night in February 2018 to be exact, I realized I (a Gay man) had fallen in love with my Straight best friend. It’s probably the worst thing that can happen to Gay men. In trying to make sense of it all, I stumbled across the following essay:
Falling for your Straight best friend is one of the oldest clichés in the gay book. And yet, time and again, it keeps happening. Maybe it’s the lure of the forbidden fruit that our innate human nature finds irresistible. Maybe it’s due to the emotional intimacy of the friendship. Maybe it’s because […]
Someone reach into my heart and feel around for the switch that turns off the pain.
A couple of weeks ago I had a major emotional meltdown. Sometimes a minor thing will trigger such things. Anyway, as soon as I got home, I completely fell apart. I didn’t think I would ever stop yelling and crying.
I think of my personal despair on a zero-to-ten scale: Zero being no despair, and ten being climbing up into my attic and putting a belt around my neck. On this particular evening I was up around a nine.
I knew something had to be done, so I was able to get a prescription for Zoloft (generic name sertraline). I’ve always been very leery about taking artificial […]
When I came home this evening, I didn’t necessarily WANT to put the belt around my neck. It isn’t really a matter of WANTING or NEEDING to do this. It just didn’t seem to matter anymore. I fell in love with someone I had no business falling in love with.
The realization gave way to PANIC.
The panic gave way to PAIN.
The pain gave way to DESPAIR.
And since February, I’ve been living in various levels of despair. And now, for the first time, I am thinking I could very easily put the belt around my neck, and it wouldn’t matter. I know that my suicide would cause […]
On the 1-to-10 scale of despair, I’m probably about a 9 right now. Much more, and I’ll be climbing up into the attic and putting a belt around my neck.
I’ve learned some very UGLY things about myself this year …. specifically my capacity for JEALOUSY. I’m pushing 60 years old, and never had I ever had to deal with JEALOUSY before. And I hate it. It shames me.
When New Years Eve arrives, IF it arrives for me, I think I will be very happy to say goodbye to 2018, because this year has been the most difficult and painful year of my entire life.
The despair hit me again a couple of days ago. Every time the despair hits, it wears me down a little bit more, and sometimes I think there will be nothing left. And this time the despair was pretty bad. On the one-to-ten scale of despair, this was about an eight. But it’s starting to lift a bit. I hope I can hold on. If I don’t, I think […]
I just composed a post to Facebook: “To anyone in my life I have ever disappointed, hurt, insulted, or wronged in any way … I beg your forgiveness.” And then I deleted it. If I sent it, there would be people who would call, or wonder what the hell was going on, because I try to keep a brave face, but I’m dying inside. I know that there ARE people who care about me, my parents are still alive, and I would never wish to cause them pain, but I feel so utterly, utterly, alone. I can’t live with myself anymore.
Stages of grief
Numbers one through four
Have been inadvertently caught
In a magnetic loop
A synchrotron of emotional pain
Whirling around
Gaining mass and momentum
Occasionally colliding
And casting off particles of madness
And we may
Observe this phenomenon
With an increasingly dispassionate eye
Furiously scribbling
Notes and numbers
No one will ever see
I’ve been crying more and more often. I’m going on 57 years old, I’ve been living with HIV for almost half of my life, and in recent years I’ve been becoming increasingly resigned to the prospect of finishing out the rest of my life alone and unloved. I’ve been in two 5-year relationships in the past, both with guys who knew of my HIV status and accepted it, but ultimately decided that the grass on the other side of the fence was just a bit greener. It’s been 12 years since I’ve had the simple pleasure of walking up in the morning WITH someone else.
A […]