I’ve posted these songs before on this site under a different name, but I’m going to try to stick to this username, so I thought I’d post them under my real name. Here’s a link to some instrumental/spoken word songs I created and recorded. Nothing special. Just trying to give you all an idea of who I am beyond my depression and all. Also, that’s my real name and face, so use that information kindly, would you? I don’t want the things I say or share to go beyond this site if you don’t mind.
I know it’s hard to take me. I have to live with me don’t I? My youth pastor and best friend are really good about dealing with my intensity, to my face anyway. But I get the sense that they are sick of hearing the same garbage with no change. Don’t they know I’m sick of feeling the same garbage every day too? I speak up every couple weeks, because I can’t take being so alone anymore. I ask for prayer not advice, and I don’t ask to talk about it. I just let them know my head isn’t right. They say they don’t know […]
Is it possible to have nostalgia for things you’ve never had or experienced? It’s like, maybe watching television and reading books isn’t such a great idea, because I see their lives, and I want them. Not all the drama, but the freedom, I guess. The friendships. The honesty. I wish I had those things growing up. And I look back on my life so far, and I feel like I’m missing my younger years. Then I remember what shit my younger years were, and I realize I’m missing what I missed. I’m missing the things that other people have. Maybe that’s more like envy, but […]
I don’t know if I’ll come out of it this time. I dip pretty low, but somehow I find my way out of the mire enough to catch a breath. But this time is different. I don’t have anything to motivate me…well, except my debt. Seriously, debt is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. I guess if I decide not to kill myself, I’m afraid I’ll have ruined my life too much if I don’t pay my bills. Everything I do anymore is motivated by fear–not love or passion or even just a simple desire to do that thing. […]
Hi, I’m Nicole. I’m sorry that you’re here, but I’m also glad that you understand.
I would never consider death if there weren’t so many barriers to survival. I mean, many of those barriers are within myself, but there doesn’t seem to be much help to fix those things. I have tried counseling and talking with friends and praying (which I very much believe in), but I still feel wretched. I just can’t handle failure or any kind of mistake, really. It comes from years of abuse and others’ harsh reactions to childhood mistakes. Now, I react to failure in a way that resembles muscle memory. […]
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