No_more_pain

For me, Hope is a terrible thing.   Hope makes me believe that somehow, things will get better.   But, nothing ever gets better.   It just keeps getting worse. 

I wish I had no more Hope.    Without Hope,  I could end all this pain and sorrow. 

I hope that one day, I will have no Hope.

I’ve managed to hang on, without ending it all, for a long time now.   Every day has been a battle to get up, go to work and get by somehow.   Every day gets tougher and tougher, though.   Today is the worst, so far.   I don’t know how to get through it, except endure it.  What really makes me feel hopeless is knowing that the days that follow may be even worse, if things keep going the way they have been in the past.  I wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel.   I’ve been waiting for one for so long, but I […]

One day, not too long ago, I decided I didn’t want to exist anymore.

So, I decided to take care of my own problem.  I found that I was too chicken to make it happen myself, though. 

I thought about having someone else take care of it for me.   But, no one wanted to go spend half their lives in jail, in order to help me out.

Maybe, I thought, if I was careless enough, Karma would take care of it for me.  But, Karma, being the ***** that she is, didn’t do squat for me.

Finally, I thought if I prayed hard enough to God, that He might […]

Day by day, I wander aimlessly through life, having no purpose.   There’s no one who cares and no one I even care about.   Every day seems to be worse than the last, too.  I feel myself slipping and I don’t think I can make it much longer.   The fight in me is almost gone, and I don’t know how to get it back.   In fact, I don’t think I care if it ever comes back.  I should be asking for help, but I don’t even care about asking for it anymore.  What should I do?  I think I’ll just ride it all the way to […]

I’m wishing this day were over, but I’m hoping tomorrow never comes….

I’ve finally hit a milestone in my journey through Life today.  I’ve been blessed with the realization that nobody truly cares what happens to me.  The rational part of me has known this for a long time, but the emotional part of me has always  resisted this notion.   As of today, however, the emotional side of me has finally been bought around to the obvious truth:  that no one really, truly cares about me…at all. 

I now find that this makes it so much easier, by leaps and bounds, to not care about myself.   I know now that when I decide to to leave this existence, […]

I’ve wanted to kill myself for a long time, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.   I have prayed to God many times to take my life.   Last month, I developed a really bad chest cold.  I never went to the doctor to get it treated.   My cough is very deep now and I find it hard to breathe, sometimes.    I think God has finally answered my prayers….Thank You, God.