I haven’t been on here in a while. I have had some up and downs. I’m thinking very strongly about this still. I’ve been seeing a counselor, I’m taking medication, I’ve done everything on my own to try and feel better, reach out… I will be sending my son to visit his dad in Aug. I think if by then I still feel the same, that will be the time to do it. I will have a few rough patches I know, things are still changing for me. Change can be good, and usually in my case, I’m ready for it when it comes around. I […]
I don’t feel sad when I think about suicide lately. It just seems ok, good even. I am not upset anymore… Is that bad?
I can not escape this feeling. I did what I could today to get away from this. Here I am feeling the exact same way. I feel useless, a bad mother, a bad person. I don’t know what else to do. I called my therapist today to get some meds. He never called me back. He told me to call him. It was a crappy day. Even though I did everything I possibly could to make it a better day. To get my mind off everything. When will this feeling go away for good? I Just can’t feel this way any more. My son deserves […]
Woke up today and sobbed into my pillow. My son came to see me. He made me feel somewhat better. He should not be the one to wipe away my tears. Not these tears. Not for this reason. I hate feeling this way every day. I cried out for relief. I finally made myself go out, again. I went out to see friends. It took me several hours. I am cheating everyone I interact with and myself when I feel this way. I feel better now, but what a waste. I can’t stand to live this way. I can picture myself completing this. I have wanted […]
Getting my weapon soon. I’m excited and nervous. It will be there just in case. I’m waiting to see this through. I want to feel better still. I’m getting there. If I can’t improve…. it is coming together.
So I’ve been seeing someone to help straighten me out. I’m not sure he understands fully. I have a plan, and a am willing to go through with this. I was waiting to see if things got better. My anxiety has somewhat. I should be thankful for that. I still just find relief in completing the plan. I don’t think it will mean anything for anyone. Even he said no one would give a crap. No kidding. It’s not for anyone else though. Just for me. The only thing I’ve truly ever done for myself. I am waiting patiently. I don’t have a date. I just […]
It doesn’t seem like such a bad thing now. I thought it was. It is not. Suicide is still an option. Not a crazy one. So many other people feel the same way. I don’t feel like it is a bad thing any more. I felt ashamed for it. I probably won’t go screaming it from the roof tops, but it is not abnormal, exactly. Why are so many opposed? The same people that think about it themselves? I have heard that it is selfish. Maybe they just haven’t felt what I feel, what I’ve felt before.
I’ve had a few good days. Better than before. The thoughts are still there. Who knows. I’ll just keep going for now. It’s strange to pretend this side doesn’t exist. Maybe this will go away eventually. I don’t want to think about it any more… Just feel better. Circumstances are changing…. For better or worse, we will see.
I spoke with someone tonight about feeling suicidal. It made me feel better to know it doesn’t make me crazy. I was told to do things that distract me when I feel that way. I can see that, but again… how long do distractions last? I want the thoughts to go away. Not creep into my mind ever again. I don’t want to keep feeling this way period. Not just suicidal.
No matter what I am doing these thoughts persist. I try to distract myself. I try to think about other things. No matter who I’m with, what I’m doing, time of day… I’m tired and I feel gone. If that makes sense.
I don’t know where to turn for help. I don’t know anything any more. I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I need help. No one will or can help me. I don’t know what to do. I just want all of this to go away…
I can’t stop thinking about it. For hours now… It’s on my mind. I just want to be away from it all. I feel like I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do any more. I’m trying to make it through one day at a time. I can’t shake this thought. I’ve thought it all the way through. I am debating almost every day now. I know better, but I am so close. I have reached out for help and tried to help myself in every way that I can. Nothing is working. I really fell worse. Like I’m digging myself a hole.
I feel better than I did. I needed to get all that out. I’ve picked up drinking over the last several months. That helps a lot. I don’t want to destroy myself, just feel better. I have received some good news/bad news a few days ago. I can’t think of suicide right now. I have no other option but keep going despite what I’m feeling inside… I’m not sure that I can do this. I am positive that I will be back to this place again. I spent a really long time debating this decision…
I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am living life as I think I’m suppose to. I do feel hopeless, but it’s in a new kind of way. I don’t dwell on it like I once did. I really feel “ok”. I’ve accepted it.
I still have small feel goods, but they go as quickly as they come. I feel annoyed and agitated quite often, but usually with one person in particular. I am anxious more than anything… I can’t seem to shake it. It is destroying my life… ME. I tried so hard to fit in, do my best, be a good mom, friend, person, […]