nuclearbackpack

I’m 52 soon. I used to be very upset that I didn’t get the life that most people I grew up with got (partners, children, career, friends)

I have learned to accept this. Of course I’m too much of a human wreck to work which I suppose I should be grateful for. I spend most of my time with distractions like reading watching documentaries and sport and chatting on the net. Still I feel that my life is empty and because I don’t work I don’t feel part of society, which is a horrible feeling.

I see the awful jobs people have to do and wonder how […]

My landlord thinks my house is dirty and untidy

Despire me getting rid of half the stuff in the house and cleaning it.

Do they expect a show home?

He knows I’ve got serious problems (Aspergers, severe depression)

I have a month to sort it or I’m out

This might give me the push I need

Our lives are meaningless

It’s nothing but survival of the fittest, meaning survival of the best looking, most cunning, most heartless.

Is it any wonder people kill themselves

Every time I go out I just want to go home and cry, the world is hideous

A neighbor’s dog bit my cat and it died.

My cat was one of the only things in my life that gave me any pleasure. And now even that is taken away from me.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-45117163

I live like a hermit. Its caused me to have a mental breakdown, Especially with my home being a mess it does things to your head. But I found that I couldn’t live any other way. But at least I don’t have to work.

Recently I’ve had members of my family imposing themselves on me thinking I need company. It’s like being the victim of vampires. People are so competitive cruel and parasitical.

Medication has made me fat for the first time in my life. As if I didn’t hate my appearance anyway. And my mother died in January. I couldn’t care less if I dropped dead […]

Guess which one I am.

Life is torture and torment.

I’m not attractive. I’m not sociable. I’m not talented or intelligent. Because of these things I have no friends and certainly no sex life. And do you know what? I’m not sure I even want those things because it’s all so pointless and having those things would just be a slap in the face to those who don’t have them. You can’t succeed in this world without relying on the failure of others.

My friends all got girlfriends and sex when they wanted I got nothing. I don’t even have intelligence to compensate for lack of social success. I’m just a misfit who fits in nowhere not even with other misfits. I’m incredibly lonely and have lost my few friends. Recently a parent died and it felt stupid to mourn them given they’d brought me into this nightmare. I had the feeling others thought the same. I’m even robbed of normal human emotions,  everything is tainted by my complete loserdom

I became 50 years old this year. Last year was my year from hell in which for the first time I ended up on a psychiatric ward. I’ve improved and life has become easier but it is still painful and pointless. I look like I’ve been dragged through hell and am overweight due to my medication. I cannot deal with people at all (my psychiatrist thinks I’m autistic) and have to hide away,  I don’t even see my few friends anymore. I’ve lived this semi-reclusive life for 33 years now. The world is fucking horrible and I don’t know how it continues. Several people I […]

What is achievement? Who has the right to judge?  So what if I fail? The system is dependent on failure.

I’m truly sorry I am not attractive and clever enough for you, dear world.

You with your ‘perfect’ lives.

Fuck you , fakes. There’s no love in you, behind your facade you are sewer rats.

I really believe that life is so painful and oppressive that humanity being removed would be a blessing.

Haha haha tough shit humans, not so clever after all!

http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/632552/Britain-disappear-Atlantic-Ocean-global-warming-Trump-Black-Bloom-Bristol-Germany-research

Sorry for my boring post.

‘If you wait long enough by the river , the body of your enemy will float by’

I want them to drop dead NOW.

Yep I’m still around. I improved a lot but I think the meds are wearing off. I cannot exist in this world. I don’t want to talk to anyone as most people are uninteresting self serving morons. I just want to curl up into a ball and keep myself away from all the shit out there forever.

 The distress caused to family
The physical pain
What people who knew me will think.

Don’t know why I care about 3.

My existence has now got so unbearable that I feel my resistance to suicide is weakening. I reckon I could even go by train or height, hideous ways to go.  The other methods are too foolproof.  I cannot suffer another year of the kind of horrible feelings I’ve had this year. They are considering ECT but I don’t envisage anything making me want to live.  I’ve had chest pains of late too, brilliant. Just fucking let me out of this nightmare I was never meant to be and never belonged from day one.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2001/may/15/socialcare.mentalhealth

After going to the emergency room in a state I asked for ECT and I will be assessed for it soon. After thirty two years of depression pills and therapy I guess it’s the last throw of the dice. I fundamentally don’t want to live and certainly don’t have anything to live for so I doubt It will work. Of course when it fails I’ll have no option but death. I’ve had enough depression and fear for a lifetime, thanks.

I think I’m heading for hospital. My sanity is going [seriously mean that]     I’m crying all the time, including in public.  Sadly I don’t have the guts to do what needs to be done and end it. I cannot envisage wanting to live again,  no matter what treatment I’m given. The years of solitude, which I used to enjoy, have caught up with me.  God knows what the future holds, just wish I didn’t have one.  This world is just unbearable for the weak.