pondersaurus

I’d normally try, as per my previous posts, to communicate using clever rhymes and witty phrasing, but that is not my today.

Today is one of the few of my last days on earth. It ends next Tuesday. I need to finish my work week first, so no one will notice I’m gone. I’ll have my things packed, my will is now finished. My note is mostly written. Im ready.

The strange part is, I’m numb. I’m not scared, but I’m not depressed anymore. I know there’s a finish line now, and that is the most empowering epiphany I’ve come to in months. I don’t have […]

it’s 4am and I’m awake. I have no idea how I’m going to face today. My body is exhausted, and my mind is poison. There is no relief from what runs through my head today, I am trapped in a cycle I’ll never escape. If I’d have had access, it would be over now. But there are punishments that come with being honest. I’m so angry at myself for reaching out, I am so angry for bleeding into other people’s lives. I wish I could take back so many of the words I’ve said so that no one knew. I hate myself so violently, and […]

I wish I could’ve given H a proper goodbye. A solid warm memory, instead of a cold whisp of rush, anxiety and panic. But my room is tidy, my plans are made. I am driving to see my family tomorrow night, and taking my dog with me for once. They think I’m staying the week, but I’ll leave in the middle of the night and go far away. They have always said if anything ever happened to me they’d take him for me, and he was my last loose end.

I have never felt more isolated in my life. It is more than an, “alone in […]

I am a hollow shell, a mass without meaning,

A stable in which the black horses take stead.

I’d have a lake.

I hope I crash my car on the way home.