Pulse-Of-A-Clover

Even as I began to feel happy, or at least not depressed; even as I began to have hope for the future, and dreams to work towards, I still was not able to ward off my suicidal urges. Even with so much going right, I still just wanted to die.

I always knew if things got bad, I had a different safety net too. Not just the safety net of death anymore, but a safety net to return home to a comforting, loving family whom I miss dearly even to this day.

But with just a few simple words, that safety net was taken away
Now that […]

It’s getting a lot harder to fight against this feeling anymore… I’m trying so hard to get better. To feel better. To act better. I’m trying to think in a better manner. Think in a way that doesn’t jump to death right away. But it’s getting tiring, and I’m not sure I have the endurance to keep going

I found a few things that I care about a lot recently. Things that give me a bit of life. But today especially, they’re not enough.

As much as I want to learn the language that I’ve been devoting my time, or practice the sport that I’ve discovered, or […]

For the past ten years, I’ve wished that I were dead nearly every day.

I’d have moments of light. Sometimes they’d last for weeks, maybe even a couple of months at times. Months where I’d be happy, where things would seem brighter. But even on those days, I’d still have preferred to die. I just wasn’t actively yearning for it, at least not as much.

This past month or so, I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’d rather live than die. Where there’s enough that I want to do, enough that I care about, that I wouldn’t really mind continuing to live for a bit longer…

There […]

I just want to kill myself… It’s all that’s ever on my mind, but my mind is too lucid right now. It makes me realize how selfish of me that would be.

After everyone’s helped me through so much. Now it’s my turn to help them… but, I still feel like I need help, too.

So much responsibility has fallen to me. I guess in a way it always has. But in the past, I always felt easily replaceable. If I didn’t get her from point A to point B, then surely someone else would. Or maybe it would prompt her to get her license. Back then, […]