Author

radi0active-f_ckup

pointless post

by radi0active-f_ckup 12/7/2015

written by radi0active-f_ckup

This is honestly just a post to get out my thoughts because they just keep clouding my head.

Anyways, I’ve been so emotionally drained the last few months. Like, there are some occasions where I’ll feel happy, sad, or angry, but if it’s not any of those, then I’m literally numb to it. And even when I do feel those, I don’t know how to react to them. I just don’t feel anything; it’s like my whole body is disconnected from my feelings. I just don’t seem to care anymore about anything. My grades are getting worse & I only have 2 weeks to fix them, […]

12/7/2015 3 comments

well

by radi0active-f_ckup 9/25/2015

written by radi0active-f_ckup

I realize now that it was his fault. I was too young to understand, & although I’m still young, I understand it better now. He was a piece of shit who took advantage of me. I don’t even think I actually consented; I think I just did it because it was what he wanted me to do. But now, I see that it was wrong & I never deserved it. I fucking hate him. You don’t take advantage of a 13 year old girl when you’re 24, you fucking sick piece of trash.

9/25/2015 4 comments

This will be long..

by radi0active-f_ckup 9/22/2015

written by radi0active-f_ckup

Around November, 2011, I met him. I was almost 12 (I’m 15 now), & he was 22.. I fucking fell for him so hard. I never even knew what it was like to be in love with someone, but goddamn I fucking knew that he was the one I wanted to be with. At first, we were okay with each other.. We met because he was my mom’s tattoo artist, & they happened to be really good friends. My mom had recently found out about me self-harming, so she introduced me to him, & told me that if I ever needed someone, I could go […]

9/22/2015 8 comments

Okay, but

by radi0active-f_ckup 9/17/2015

written by radi0active-f_ckup

I keep getting these thoughts to just end it.. I don’t feel like I should be here at all. All of these thoughts are fucking me up & I feel like I’m just drowning. I want them to go away, but they never do. I’ve tried to be happy; I watch JackSepticEye as a source of release, you know? And during those time periods, I feel ..happy, to an extent. But after those, when I’m just sitting alone, I get these thoughts: “Is it even worth it?” “No one actually cares, you know” “You’re just a piece of shit.” “Just try taking the pills one […]

9/17/2015 2 comments

but why

by radi0active-f_ckup 9/9/2015

written by radi0active-f_ckup

I keep trying to tell myself that it’s alright, but it just doesn’t feel like it is. Everything is continuously getting worse, & I don’t understand why?? Like I try to get better but I’m just to the point where I don’t care if I’m better or not, you know? My grades are slipping & it’s not even half way through the first quarter. I wake up in the morning just wanting to come home & go right back to bed. It kind of really sucks, but it’s fine, I guess. Oh well. I don’t really have much to say. I just really needed to get that […]

9/9/2015 1 comment

..

by radi0active-f_ckup 4/24/2015

written by radi0active-f_ckup

So I decided to ask my mom if I could get happy pills. And so I’m talking with my doctor sometime this week to get prescribed. I decided to wait to see if I needed therapy – well, more of “wanted” therapy. I’m going to try taking small steps first to see how much help I really need, because at this point, I just don’t know anymore. Is it a good idea to work myself into this, or should I just push myself into therapy???

4/24/2015 13 comments

“Hi.”

by radi0active-f_ckup 4/23/2015

written by radi0active-f_ckup

So, the “he” from my last update said hi today. Yes, he is in prison & he’s not supposed to have contact with me or the family at all. But he told his mom to tell “the guys” that he said hi. From now on, I shall refer to “him” as James. Of course, for the sake of privacy for both him & his family, that is not his actual name.
Anyways, that one small word made me fucking melt in both good & bad ways. When my mother walked upstairs to inform me of his greeting, my heart just fucking stopped. Every little memory […]

4/23/2015 2 comments

why

by radi0active-f_ckup 4/22/2015

written by radi0active-f_ckup

I will never understand why I did it, but I did. I let him take control of me, & I let him take all of me. He took away all of the innocence that I had. I was 13 at the time, & he was 24. I knew it was wrong, & I have hated myself for it ever since, but I let him sleep with me. I don’t even know if I gave consent anymore. Not because I regret it, but because of me being so young & looking up to him. Did he just manipulate me, or did I give consent? I don’t […]

4/22/2015 5 comments