I will never understand why I did it, but I did. I let him take control of me, & I let him take all of me. He took away all of the innocence that I had. I was 13 at the time, & he was 24. I knew it was wrong, & I have hated myself for it ever since, but I let him sleep with me. I don’t even know if I gave consent anymore. Not because I regret it, but because of me being so young & looking up to him. Did he just manipulate me, or did I give consent? I don’t know. When the police asked if it was consensual, I had to say yes because I didn’t want to give him longer time than he deserved. Ha! He deserves the 10 years he’s getting. Why didn’t I realize sooner he was a piece of shit?
Anyways, the point of this is that it keeps coming back to me: the day he left. I know it sounds stupid considering what I just said, but part of me still misses him. July 14, 2014. I will never forget the last look he gave me; he was pleading not to go. I felt so horrible. Me. Not him, even though he put me through 3 years of torture because he knew, he fucking knew I was in love with him & willing to do anything to keep him in my life because I was scared of being alone like I was before I met him. And yet, I miss him. I don’t even know why I miss him. Because of the looks he gave me? Because he helped me feel like someone cared, even though he’d bring home other girls to have sex with them? I was just so scared of being alone, but look where I am again. And I’ve thought about suicide because of this many, many times in the last 10 months. Why can’t I just get over this?