Redandpurple

At a loss because I don’t have the essentials:

1. A gun

2. The courage to cut into my veins with a knife

–

Besides these two, other methods have a high rate of failure. Unless I buy more and more OTC medication and swallow a ridiculous amount that manage to stay in and not get thrown up, but that’s unlikely either. The body is sure to reject that much. It’s either too little or too much.

Unless there is a way to feign symptoms and get certain prescription medications? Currently I have: acetaminophen, ibuprofen and diphenhydramine. I don’t think these are actually enough.

Living is hard and dying is hard […]

It gets better. Today is a better place. I’m going to buy some chocolate to congratulate myself on finishing the introductory paragraph of the essay.

It gets better.

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Perfect.mp3

–

Also, I hadn’t sworn verbally in a long time so it is for you that I do so in this song to remind you that you are FUCKING PERFECT in all your flaws. You are here and part of the community and you matter.

This is me sending out my satellite call

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/satellite-call.mp3

Would you still be able to come up with the idea?

–

I remember the first time I was exposed to the concept of suicide. It was on the newspaper.

A girl, probably 12-13 years old, had chosen to jump off a skyscraper and die. (The academic stress imposed on kids in elementary school is that insane.)

The scene is still vivid in my mind.

The scene, a little subsection of the newspaper leaping out before my eyes and educating the mind, is still fresh in my memory.

I had toyed with the idea of suicide ever since. When I was back in the city it used to be something like […]

I am on Earth.

This is the limbo of adulthood.

Adulthood is when you realise no one truly cares for you in the way you hoped someone would, that you only get what you give, that after you have worked and worked for relationships and money, betrayals are still rampant and you will be forgotten in a decade.

You are not important in the way you think you are. You are what other people think of and expect of you.

I long to be that person in the corner of the newspaper who screams out, even after death, FUCK YOU WORLD in that brief moment someone’s eyes skim over […]

I’m ungrateful and lazy and fucking deserve to die but don’t even know how

Pills won’t work

Pills won’t work

The building is too low

God do I need more excuses

“What do you mean you don’t want to keep going anymore?”

“Back in our times we didn’t get what you’re getting.”

“You’re ungrateful. Lazy. Spoiled little princess. Don’t you realise what we have done for you?”

I hang up.

Sob.

My face is as screwed up as who I am.

My tears are as abundant as the baby’s which I was.

Maybe it’s good

So the only thing else that they’ll have to pay for with their hard work is my coffin and funeral and corpse transportation fees.

The end.

The peace which comes from nothing.

Two Jess Glynne Songs + one Winter song to convey my winter blues.

God I’m so alone.

The sky is so dark.

I haven’t been touched in so long.

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/take-me-home.mp3
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Hold-my-hand.mp3

Winter song- Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

This is my winter song to you

The storm is coming soon

It rolls in from the sea

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Winter-song.mp3

Sometimes I feel like I belong to the darkness.

The filters were absent in my brain this morning and the winds blow across my mind and I am so… tired.

Exhausted by everything. All the colours. All the movements.

The trembling hand of the woman behind the counter as she picked up the necklace that I wanted to buy. Is she nervous? Has she ever done this before? Or did she gulp down too much coffee this morning? What is her name?

This long necklace, which I bought for a reasonable enough price, is a man-made glass called goldstone with a thick scattering of blue and gold shimmer winking […]

is more than what the heart can take.

–

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Unbroken.mp3

Song name: Unbroken. Original Artist: Birdy

A flatmate just came in to ask me to zip up her dress and she noticed the secret santa present but not the wad of wet tissues on the desk and that’s okay

–

I’M THINKING ABOUT LEAVING UNIVERSITY AND THAT’S NOT OKAY

IT’S ONLY MY FIRST YEAR

I’M WASTING MY PARENTS’ MONEY

OH GOD

I just signed up to be an organ donor on the NHS today.

That way, if anything happens (which I hope will), my organs but not my consciousness (which would be horrifying, prime gothic material) would live on somehow before it reaches the end and returns to the Earth.

So yeah. Just a fun little update. If you blow your brains out at least your organs will find their way to someone else?!?

–

I feel so ugly today.

I opened my eyes and my limbs were full of blood and water and vitality, but my mind could not find the strength to command them.

So I slept again, and missed […]

THE STAGGERINGLY OBVIOUS.

Available right now, right here.

Unlike other posters here I am able to chug down water at an alarming speed.

Wish me luck.

I just became curious about who the people on here are.

Don’t comment with anything too personal or identifying… but some general comment would be nice.

Maybe we are from everywhere. Of every age. How did you get here? How long have you been here?

It would be interesting to hear about you too.

Figured I should share it here. Because why not? This might be relevant, or not, but whatever.

My head swims from the fumes of red and golden nail polish that I just painted on my nails, but heck do I feel festive.

–

Our little fling lasted about two weeks.

I had my first kiss with him. I don’t want to say “gave,” because my body should be mine and nothing to be given away.

–

I’m learning to love myself.

–

For about two years we had been texting and emailing back and forth. We said whatever came to our immature and uninhibited minds and maybe that was why I felt like […]

It’s true that my flatmates are very nice, but nice just doesn’t cut it. Nice doesn’t cut off the sense of being ultimately being alone.

So ironically I resort to the internet for company.

This morning I was texting a guy on Tinder who told me he was into the idea of bondage, and from there my mind flitted off to somewhere else… to thoughts of sex and potential pregnancy and WHAT IF I BECOME A PARENT oh god that would be unimaginable and my offspring will suffer the same things that I did how INHUMANE is that? Bye Tinder although you are so tempting

–

So basically I […]

I don’t know what to say anymore.

There is nothing productive that I can think.

Thoughts and feelings veer towards the negative.

I feel ugly. Inside. And out.

It is FUNNY because externally I am young, female, and more objectively attractive than I have ever been.

But subjectively I feel like soiled milk that is kept in an opaque jar.

Conversing people in a communal room drop dead, silent, when I enter.

Surely the darkness inside my heart nags at them. Makes them uncomfortable. Wary.

I keep wondering if they feel it. If the unspoken things that have been kept hidden somehow pokes out when I am not looking and they catch a […]

I don’t personally know Jerry (how could I?) of course but it broke my heart to see the latest post from his account. It’s heart-breaking.

This song just seemed appropriate- how the rest of us still live in daylight but he isn’t here anymore.

I think I’ll keep a little piece of him in my heart.

He had enough courage to do the deed but the world is missing another person. It’s a tragedy.

So excuse me if my voice is a little broken at times.

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Goodbye.mp3

The church, a street up from where I live, is an ancient, two-to-three-stories looking building that looks gothic in the orange-yellow light.

This night, […]

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Courage.mp3

A little encouragement for people on here with my morning voice.

🙂

Track: Courage (cover)

Artist: Orianthi

Take all my vicious words
And turn them into something good
Take all my preconceptions
And let the truth be understood
Take all my prized possessions
Leave only what I need
Take all my pieces of doubt
And let me be what’s underneath
Courage is when you’re afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you’re in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
We all have excuses why
Living in fear something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
It’s not how high he flies,
But […]

That’s it. 50mg was enough to render my body… not mine.

I think I’m starting to understand why people abuse drugs. It works in a way similar to alchohol.

Imagine. Dissolved bits of the pill travelling around your capillaries. In this case, blocking your sodium channels and loosening up the muscles in your legs and everywhere else until you have no choice but to curl up in bed, you haven’t been this relaxed in a while, and you crave this sensation again…

Woke up this morning to an email from my amazing friend who has a heart big enough to […]