Everything is piling up on me, and it seems like when I get one issue sorted out, there are 5 new ones added to the queue. I quit both of my jobs earlier this year with the intent to move to Boston, but I got mono (for the THIRD time…how is that even possible???) and I ended up having to scratch any semblance of moving plans. I just got my old job at a cafe back, and though the majority of the staff missed me, it seems like everything is harder for me. Not physically. Something is itching at the back of my brain. There’s […]
As frustrating as this back-and-forth bullshit is, today is one of the days I’m glad I didn’t decide to end it (I think). Rainy mornings followed by a world that is glistening, new, and ripe with new life. I feel partially inclined to watch because I’m wont to do that, but something deep inside of me screams to make myself part of it. New life.
Isn’t this always how it starts? Mystification –> disenchantment –> disappointment.
I don’t know which part of myself to give in to. Let myself be happy for a bit, give in wholly, and hope? Give in partially, so later on I don’t […]
Everything is too much. I’ve been wanting to kill myself for so long, but I owe it to my family to make sure that it’s peaceful for them. I’m not financially stable enough for that. I really just feel like the only reason I ever save money is so I can die while still helping others. Why do I want to help? It’s stupid. I’m not needed. I’m useless and even when I try I fuck everything up. I don’t even know whether my family will miss me because they love and need me or if they’d simply be unused to my absence at first.
I feel hurt, angry, a little frightened. One of my best male friends moved in with me and a few other people back in the fall, and we’ve been close. Though, I’ve gotten noticeably more depressed. I didn’t figure out why until today. For our entire friendship, my friend has been trying to get romantically involved with me, regardless of whether I’m with someone or not. Because I’m too stupid and trusting, I had no idea. He’s aware of the fact that I’ve been in a few physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationships, and has apparently been using manipulative tactics on me. I didn’t realize […]
A large majority of my life I’ve thought about dying. Specifically, my intense, hungry desire to take my own life. I’ve been cutting since age 11, I’m now 22. I hate trying to make my life seem dramatic or depressing, so I always lie and say I’m fine, opting instead to help others. I barely sleep or eat, and I feel like once again, I’m on a downward spiral.