I guess something just clicked. I didn’t think I’d ever follow through. Thought i would always be too scared. Now what’s done is done. Maybe I can just go to sleep
This place was a comfort to me years ago. Less so now, but i hope the people who need it continue to find it.
Half the people id like to say goodbye to are already dead and the other half left this place forever ago, so here’s a sincere thank you to just.. push out into the void. Goodnight, guys.
Goodnight, Captain
Something in me is continually breaking. Like falling down a ladder and breaking every rung on the way down. Even at my worst, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like this. There’s a crackling coming from inside me somewhere like a growing fire, but not the warm, comfortable kind. Not the driving kind. Not the motivating kind. It’s the kind that’s going to burn my house down and take me with it. I don’t have the energy to find the source and extinguish it. Every plan i make backfires. Every exit I try to take slams shut. It’s time to settle in. Lay down and […]
I’ve written note after note over the last several years. Made plan after plan. Usually with the understanding that i won’t actually be able to follow through. Realistically, I know I still won’t. Tonight won’t be any different. So why am I stressed over whether or not to actually leave a note? Really its only for one person. Would my mom want an explanation? An apology? Will she know I want her to take my dog? That she’s the only one I trust to love him as much as I do? Or would all of that just hurt her more? Maybe i should just […]
Fuck. Okay here we go. Maybe if I write this letter out again, it’ll give me some relief. If not, well… see ya(not really. I’ll wuss out again I’m sure.)
To the ones I loved,
I’m sorry. Nobody caused this. Nobody pushed me. Nobody but me fell short in any way. I made a very long, traceable string of decisions that put me in a very difficult situation. That paired with general depression I suppose was just a little too much. I’m not blind enough to think this was unavoidable. There are about a million things I could’ve done to improve my mental state […]
I shouldn’t feel any of the things I do right now, but I do. I’m in a situation I can’t change with a man I can’t stand. I’ve made so many excuses for him. “It’s not that he doesn’t care. He’s just forgetful” Yeah maybe
“He was only seeing someone else because I was being difficult, ” yeah.. yeah I was being difficult while I miscarried..
Ugh. I could make a list a mile long, but it doesn’t matter. The thing is.. I wanted to die long before I met him. This is nothing new. The difference is that now it might be my only […]
I should be a mom. They should be here. I would go through the pain I went through a million times over if it meant just one of them would be here with me today.
My babies,
I think about all four of you. I wonder what you would’ve been like. I wonder what you would look like. I miss you so much it almost feels like I held you in my arms. I’m so sorry my body wasn’t strong enough. I’m so incredibly sorry that I couldn’t carry you all the way. You were so, so very wanted. The […]
I could list all the things I did wrong today or all of the things that went wrong on their own, but it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t help. Lately, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I have a purpose. Or at least that I would be missed by someone. The truth is, though, I’ve done such a fantastic job of isolating myself that I’m not sure anybody would even notice let alone care. There’s nobody to blame but myself. I used to believe that I had a shot at building a happy or at least somewhat comfortable life, but that just isn’t true. I’m […]
I have such an unhealthy attachment to this damn site… Had been away for years and I’m right back in the same mess I left. I was sitting here wondering why that is and it hit me. There are ghosts here of people who no longer exist. People who talked me down on more than one occasion. People who sent a tremendous outpouring of love to myself and eachother in times of need. Im not good with loss. Letting go has never been a strong skill of mine and the idea that maybe I couldve said goodbye if i had stayed here eats at me […]
It is entirely possible I’m about to gas it off of a bridge. However, it is far more likely that I’m going to drive to the bridge and keep going like that was never my intent in the first place because I’m scared.
Prozac was cool… or at least a hell of a lot cooler than this. I told myself I’d rather be depressed than not feel anything at all and BOY WAS I WRONG. Oops…
The fact that I want to die and cannot make myself go through with it is laughable. What options are there for someone who only has the energy to let life pass but never actually live? I wish there was a pause button. Just stop long enough to catch my breath and come up with a plan wothout feeling overwhelmed by the fact that life is passing me by.
I feel like I’m in a long distance relationship with myself. Like half my soul is somewhere too far away to ever actually reach… Or some kind of poetic bullshit i dunno
*insert something useful here*
[…]
This is it… I don’t know who I’m saying goodbye to since nobody I know will ever see this. Maybe I just wanted to write it down.
I really tried. I gave it my all. I don’t understand how 28 can feel so old, but it does. I’m tired. I’m so tired and I finally worked up the nerve to do it. Didn’t think I ever would if I’m being honest. I thought I would spend the rest of my life just passively letting it rush by. Thought I would wait to die from some freak accident or old age or illness. I don’t know… […]
I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I know I found comfort here a long time ago. I don’t know if I’m looking for the people I had found before or if I hope they escaped the need for this place. There’s no way anyone would remember me. I was just a kid. But maybe if the OG’s are still around, it’ll give me that little push that I find myself desperately needing again. Some kind of inspiration to get up and dust myself off
Maybe this will fall on deaf ears… or just an empty room… but I miss you guys. I hope […]
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