This is it… I don’t know who I’m saying goodbye to since nobody I know will ever see this. Maybe I just wanted to write it down.
I really tried. I gave it my all. I don’t understand how 28 can feel so old, but it does. I’m tired. I’m so tired and I finally worked up the nerve to do it. Didn’t think I ever would if I’m being honest. I thought I would spend the rest of my life just passively letting it rush by. Thought I would wait to die from some freak accident or old age or illness. I don’t know… Maybe I’m weak, but in my final moments I’ll be at peace with my decision
I’m sorry I failed. Thanks for the ride
–Sammi
Edit: Sike! Failed at that too. Forgot I’m a wuss.
8 comments
Miette… wait… don’t you dare. What did this?
Jesus. Christ. Well now how in the H-E-Double fuck am I supposed to off myself when
A.) Locked doors mean NOTHING in this house.
2.) I apparently hate physical pain and fear the other side more than I actually want to die
And F.) …. what the hell are you still doing here?
A.) Have you tried the ole bucket of suds propped over the door trick? If that fails… razor wire.
2.) What do you suppose is on the other side? Lately I’ve been obsessed with it, even more than usual. Maybe that’s why I’ve been lurking at sites for the dead & dying. We may not know more than anyone else but at least we’re not afraid to talk about it.
F.) See 2.)
R.) Need more songs for my 50 year playlist. It’s only been 10. HOLY BUTTPLUGS HAS IT BEEN 10
If I’m honest, I don’t think there’s anything on the other side. I think it’s just lights out. But my god am I scared of being wrong about that.
Ah yes… the Playlist that died when I lost access to that email address. RIP to the greatest Playlist ever made. Sigh… so many songs could’ve been added still
Hearing from you might be the first thing in a while (besides my dog) that made me genuinely smile. Do you know how absolutely insane it feels to smile when you’re crying in the bathtub? Good insane, though. Thank you.
I totally agree with lights out. But the problem is I think we still exist with the lights out. The #1 law of the universe seems to be that nothing is truly destroyed… You can’t destroy energy, or mass (no matter how hard you try to hide that body). Maybe things break up into fragments but nothing really disappears. Could that apply to consciousness? Lights out but we’re still existing, essentially blind, deaf, dumb, paralyzed and alone in an infinite void?
That sorta scares the living piss outta me, even more than fire & a red dude with a pitchfork. Because at least a pitchfork is something.
Bathtub crying is good… it beats bathtub bleeding. Bathtub smiling is even better. Wanna try for bathtub manaical laughter?
For real though, it’s wonderful to know you’re alive. I’ve missed you tons. I sent you an email as recently as a couple months ago but I didn’t know your email was dead, so I figured you were.
I repeat: don’t you dare. I have Reeses. Pick you up at 8?
I’ve missed you very much, captain. If my memory was half as good as yours, I’d… have a much better memory than I currently do…
Ready when you are.
Oh and if you get the urge to reach out again in the near future..
shernandezbackup21020 Gmail
Learned my lesson about recovery methods for gmail, so maybe I won’t lose this one
Yay expect a long email soon. It’s so good to hear from you. In a weird way you’re my link to better days (even though we were both suicidal, how does that work?). Also I swear I’ve thought of you at least once a week… every time I fold fitted sheets. Those damn things. And I remember you’re one of probably only 4 people in the universe who knows how to fold them ?