SadBk

Top Ten List (in no particular order): I can’t be in a relationship because…

1. I’m hung up on my ex. How can I love anyone else? Unfortunately he dumped me during the “honeymoon phase” where everything was wonderful…to me. Obviously it wasn’t so wonderful for him. It felt like we were perfectly compatible in so many ways… one particular way I’d NEVER been compatible with anyone before. No man should have to compete with that. I realize I’m idolizing him, but I don’t know how NOT to. The only thing I can come up with is “he’s not […]

Still trying to figure out where I fit in the online world. I keep thinking I’ll just stay offline more…but then I don’t. I guess that only works in the real world, where I stick to either the familiar (work, home, favorite coffee shops, etc.) or “familiar-unfamiliar” (new coffee shops, new hikes, etc.) where I feel comfortable. Poking around at different sites for depressed people, or people with broken hearts, or child-free… nothing jumps out at me in “YES THIS IS YOUR PLACE” fashion. I’m curious about one of the child-free sites, but it didn’t seem very welcoming, and also was […]

Say I have a square peg and a triangular hole of roughly the same size. No matter how hard I try, I cannot make the peg fit in there. It just won’t work. I don’t have any other pegs to use. The only thing that makes sense is to give up. Continuing to try to force something unnatural makes me miserable, why would I keep doing that?

Yet that’s what everyone says I’m supposed to do, because I want it to fit so badly and I’m unhappy that it doesn’t. Wouldn’t it be better to shift my focus to something […]

There’s so much pain on this website. I wonder what would happen if we all left our lives to live on some island together, start anew. Would our situations improve? Would many of us find we no longer dream of killing ourselves, surrounded by people who understand? Or would our society end up very similar to this one? Put a bunch of people together, even those that seem similar, and you’re still going to have some friction.

I feel like I’ve been whiny lately. Sorry if I’m annoying. I should probably post less. I do listen to what […]

I tend to feel dumb after seeing the psychiatrist.

“Recognize the areas in your life that are making you unhappy and CHANGE them.”

Sounds so simple. She has hope for me that comes from I don’t know where. (is it generic I-believe-in-everyone-who-pays-me hope?) I actually leave her office thinking maybe I CAN do something to get myself unstuck from this limbo.

Then I think about it. Can I sprinkle a little fairy dust on my insides and grow some self esteem? Can I make my ex wake up and decide he suddenly can’t live without me? No? Well then. […]

I still feel like my life is over, and as such, it makes no sense that I continue to breathe and consume resources. Am I suicidal? Sometimes. Not as much as I was a few months ago. I’m giving time a chance to do its thing. Pain is easier to compartmentalize now, and I like the meds I’m on. I function. I’ll never be happy again, per se, but I can get by. Everyone else on here has a worse life than I do. Suicide is more of a fantasy I don’t want to let go […]

I posted this on SF yesterday but got no responses, so I’ll try here… I don’t have an eating disorder but it could appear that way, so TRIGGER WARNING.

For the past 18-19 years I’ve restricted, off and on. Mostly off, with only brief periods of decent weight loss. I’ve read about eating disorders and watched movies & videos… I know enough to know I don’t have one. I thought maybe I was EDNOS for a while, but after posting on another forum, a girl called me out on it and pointed out that because I said this-or-that, I really wasn’t… and I could see she […]

The “fake happiness” is gone, but I’ve had more numbness than despair lately. I still like to think about and plan my death, but the urge to act on it isn’t there, more often than not. Progress? Maybe. A friend who needed a place to stay is crashing on my couch, and probably will be for the next few months if not the rest of the year. I don’t like the idea of killing myself while someone lives with me. Would rather be alone. Then again, at least there’d be someone there to feed the cats.

The knowledge that I’ll never get married or have kids […]