Sad news

Maybe this isn’t the best spot, nor time/place, but having just become involved in SP, and having only just now, literally within the last few hours, discovered that this person existed…

I feel i should acknowledge the insights he shared with this community, and remind us to appreciate his contributions, as well as the end of his suffering.

I was reading his stuff in the “PSA” thread… while morbid, i found much of his writings there to be hilarious. And i mean that in the most genuinely respectful way.

There was more i wanted to say, but i’ll leave it at that.

Sometimes people know they’ve had enough, and it’s time to go, and it’s… more than just sad. It’s terrible that our world just isn’t enough to make even the most intelligent, compassionate, and articulate people, want to stick around.

R.I.P. Dude.

(and should his family/friends ever read this: know he was valued here, as well)
(and should any mods read this: i think his writings should be preserved, whether they remain publicly accessible or not. There’s some quality articulation and extremely relevant observations in his expressions.)

Something he said that really hit-home with me, was the comment along the lines of: “it wasn’t until i actually tried to recover, that i realized just how much further i’d still have to go…”

It’s like you think “if i could only just make it to status-x… i’d be okay.”

But then you get there, or take a few steps in that direction, and realize it’s even further away than you thought, when you were already thinking it was too far away to reach.

I find this particular aspect of depression most troubling, as it seems to resonate with every person i’ve met (IRL or internet). I don’t think there is a solution for that problem. I think there could be a solution for that problem, but that it is not clearly understood by others, well enough to appreciate the inherent paradox and downward spiral. Upon realizing that “recovery” requires something you can’t even reach, which is even more arduous than you previously thought, when you were already ready to give up, thinking it was already too hard before…

More people need to understand what that does to someone who is already unable to believe that recovery is even possible.

People throw around trivialized and oversimplified advice… and that just makes it worse, because it proves that only the depressed truly understand… and everyone else ends up making us feel even more hopeless and tries to guilt us into a path that we already see as laughably ineffective, and a waste of time and energy, and only extends our own suffering, and only increases the burden on those who seem to want us to believe that this is all just our own fault, and that we’re “being ridiculous” to think that we have no way to recover a worthwhile life, once we realize how far back, how far behind, how far down, we really are… and how we don’t even have the tools it takes to climb… “…like trying to scale Mount Everest with a pair of dining utensils…”

Is there not a plethora of writings, describing this very thing, from countless depression sufferers on the web?

Why is this seemingly ignored?

Why do even the “professionals” seem to not understand?

Why do so few people seem to “get” that people are depressed “because they can’t fix their problems,” more than anything else?

Sure, maybe we have some sort of “chemical imbalance,” but i bet the primary issue is almost always something that has occurred in life, and not just a “defective brain” like so many seem to think.

For LetMeSleep, his “event” seemed to be philosophical, experiential, existential, in nature. He knew there was something theoretically possible in life, that would have made him feel content, satisfied, and with reason to endure the mundane… but he couldn’t access it, even with what i would call “extreme” intelligence and clear articulation of his ideas… and even copious material resources to spend.

But no one could help him solve that problem of being unable to reach what he knew he couldn’t reach… and instead, his life was filled with even more complications, non-solutions, and even obstacles to any chance to solve any of what he obviously spent thousands of hours attempting to fully understand the nature of his own problems.

I feel like i could understand what he went through, without actually going through the same experiences he encountered. For me, it’s the same, but different. I’ve never been hospitalized… and for precisely the reasons he mentioned, which caused him to encounter those scenarios.

I feel like i can’t even really talk to anyone, because the only reasonably predictable outcome is that they will make my life even worse, and cause even more obstacles to solving the problems that i’m the only one who really even knows how to understand, within myself.

And that just adds to my situation even more.

I’m trapped in the freedom of a world where i must conceal my despair, in order to avoid being imprisoned by a system that will attempt to force more problems on me, and steal even more of my time, while demanding i agree to call those actions “help.”

Trapped… where the consequence of seeking the help we’re all encouraged to seek, will actually only result in further detriment… ultimately reinforcing the reasons we need help in the first place, and creating even more evidence to support the prediction that said help doesn’t even exist.

And i can assure you, That existence is absolutely unbearable.

I saw an article with clips from an interview with his dad… and his dad said something along the lines of being proud of his son, for enduring what he was sure he could not solve, as long as he had.

LMS’s words read like someone who truly understood his decision, and its consequences, and all the reasons that lead him to choose what he did.

I can say that i wish he had found a way to not suffer, without dying… but i can’t say i blame him for drawing the line and knowing when enough was enough.

They say he went “in a moment of despair…” but i think it was more like “okay, the circumstances no longer matter, and it’s time to go now, even if it’s not the way i wanted it to be.” I know he talked extensively about preparations and conditions and how he wished to minimize the impact of his departure… and i think that’s part of why he endured for so long.

When life isn’t the way we want it to be, no matter how hard we try… the last thing left to accept is that death sucks, death hurts, and it’s almost never the way we want it to be.

What matters is that he was suffering, and now he’s not… and he tried what he felt like was everything he could do, before doing something he couldn’t take back.

Before his exit, he left us with a chunk of valuable wisdom, from which to learn whatever we can. Despite his demise, i must value that, and i think everyone should.

I have felt exactly that way, for so long…

But the major differences between him and i, are that i don’t have a surplus of material resources, and i’m not necessarily driven to kill myself. I think of it frequently… but that’s mostly because i DON’T want “suicide” to end up being the only solution… but as time wears on, i’m not really seeing any evidence to suggest that there is a better way for me. For Me.

I’m more floating in the despair of believing there is no solution, but trying to endure the suffering as long as i can, so i can find a solution, if it exists. I don’t want to do what i can’t undo, until i’m sure there is no other way to find a way to create a life worth living, in which i can at least feel fulfilled.

Looking for what doesn’t exist, not wanting this life to end, but not wanting it to continue the way it has always been, and hoping that perhaps my words will do someone some good, since they haven’t helped the people in my own life that i hoped would value them, and haven’t yet become something i can use to sufficiently help myself.

I feel like LMS’s writings, here, cut through some of the fog, and went straight to the root of problems that need to be better understood.

In a way… he did for us, what he wanted to do for him: save time, save energy, save effort… like he was trying to help us in the way that he thought he’d like to be helped. It’s better if you don’t have to spend your whole life sorting out how and why everything is always so wrong and backwards, and no one understands things they should.

Explanations… insights… intellectual advancement…

It seems these things were lacking in his life, and though he sought and produced them on his own, look at the price he paid to figure it out. I think part of his motivation was to help others avoid that, so they could start closer to the problem, instead of having to spend years learning the hard way, what someone else has already figured out.

There’s a million things i want to say, as usual… which is part of my own problems…

But consider this a tribute to his contributions: actually thinking about what he said… and trying to advance it further… so that someday, maybe others in this position will have a chance to find something they feel is worth living for, instead of abandoning hope of fulfillment, and embarking on a quest to end their lives.