I can’t remember the las time I hadn’t cried myself to sleep. I feel pain, a painful deep stab in my heart. I don’t understand why. I wish we had suicide help lines here. I even tried calling one of the help lines at the US, but they hung up when I said I wasn’t from there. I really don’t know what to do. The only thing stopping me from doing anything is my family. My family is very important to me, I love them very much. They haven’t done anything to deserve the pain that would result from me killing myself. I’m a disappointment as is, why make it worse for them? Â I come from a place where suicide is severely looked down upon. I don’t even think that the # of suicides here is that high. It is basically against our religion and social values. Anyone who does goes through with it is immediately remembered with being a shame to the family. I don’t want to cause my family shame. . . Â I know that theres something wrong, I wish i I could fix it. I even tried to schedule an appointment with several psychologists but never went through with it. I tried to use a false name ( since doctor-patient confidentially doesn’t exist here, I’m scared) but they always asked for an ID. I’ve been through a lot. Problems with my family and friends especially. I really don’t have much friends anymore, I always end up losing them. Middle & high school both Â sucked for me, I hated it so much. It was the reason why I skipped so many school days. I didn’t have a clique, I just floated around with several of the groups. I had friends, but I wasn’t close with any one person. People disliked me, and I hated that. When I got close to someone, it was temporary. I ended up losing them eventually. I had a boyfriend, my first real boyfriend. I loved him so much, even though we weren’t right for each other. He left me for someone else. He didn’t even treat me well and I knew that but it still hurt! I still sulk about it, and say his name in my head *everyday* when I first wake up. (It’s been 2 years). I’ve upset my family a lot when I was younger. “He” hit me for doing what I did and I still remember every detail. (It’s been ages, I don’t want to put an exact year, because I don’t want to count how long it’s been. I DONT want to remember my past. Today? I’ve come so far. In a good university, with lots of friends. To the common eye I look like the perfect girl. I laugh and have fun. But in reality? I’m depressed. There’s a constant feeling of being lost, having no purpose, and sadness in my life. I don’t go out, and avoid friends who urge me to go out! I stay home and sulk. I think of ways to kill myself, and lean towards the less painful of the lot. I’m scared of closed doors, because I can still remember him walking into the room suddenly to hit me because of what I did. I’m scared of the dark now too. I wish I could change who I was. Where I’m from. What I did. What I’m doing. I just hate me. I hate the way I sound, look, and act. I wish I could just take y life and end all of the misery. I wish I could fix me :(.