It definitely feels amazing when they say I’m thinner.
Feels even better when I say “no” to food while everyone else is helplessly stuffing their mouths. I am strong. I love this feeling.
I don’t know. I battle this little thing in my head that tells me to stop eating. “Stop eating! Your thighs are getting bigger, your appearance is getting uglier. Stop!” But I don’t listen. I eat away. No, I don’t throw it up, I don’t take laxatives. Nothing. I’m afraid that someday, that voice will win. I want to to stop. I’m craving the taste of hunger pains. It’s an urge inside of me. Why am I like this? I know I will accomplish not eating. I know it. But when?
I’m anorexic.
No one knows
and I doubt anyone would care.
I really was. Now I feel like… There’s no other option. I’m just not strong enough to get hurt over and over and over again. I want to cut myself, but it’s only a temporary solution. I want to kill myself, but I’m too afraid. Everything hurts. I’m too sensitive to fucking live a normal life. I’m too scared to get help. I can’t… I don’t know… I just can’t.
Im going crazy. I can feel it. I know it. I wanna cut all the time and there’s no explanation for the dreams I’ve been having. It’s 12:22am and I am terrified to go to sleep. I don’t want to dream. I have  the visual playing over in my head when I should be doing something important. What’s happening to me?
I just don’t want to live anymore..
While in was still in the womb, my dad used to abuse my mother. Yelling, hitting. Since as long as I remember, I cower from anything close to fighting. My mom also did drugs. Hard drugs. I was born premature. Two months premature. I was 1lb 7oz, born addicted, I also had a heart murmer. Maybe she didn’t want me? My mom went to jail for possession and use of the drugs. My dad was already in jail, fuck if i know why. I went in and out of foster homes up until I was 12. One family decided to adopt me. They […]
I feel like I’m slowly going crazy. I’m not sure how to explain it, but my mind feels different. I look at things differently. I don’t feel the urge to hurt anyone, not yet, but I feel like everyone would be better off.. gone. Sometimes, in public, I become so engulfed in my thoughts that I don’t notice the people around me. I try talking to close friends and my girlfriend about it, but no one seems to take me seriously. I have these dreams.. I’m walking down a street and it’s like the world is in my hands. It’s revolving around me and I’m […]
I posted a situation about my girlfriend getting raped. Someone said I was bullshitting. I thought this was a safe place for letting things out. Guess not.
I have a beautiful girlfriend. She would never hurt a fly. At least, she wouldn’t have until he tried to fuck her. This was before we met. She was about 14, her mom wasn’t home. He threw his 180lb body on top of her 90lb innocence. She tried to resist, which only fueled his want for her body. In her struggle, he broke her wrist in 3 places. She called the cops, only to drop charges. A few years ago, approximately 2 years ago, I had a best friend who I told everything to. I put my trust into. One day, one random day out […]
This is my secret account.
No one will ever know who I am and that brings a lot of comfort to me. No one would expect this  from me. I’m very obviously happy, but no one sees beyond my smile. My insides hurt. Please care. Please take the time to hear my story.
I’m screaming for a helping hand.