Author

secretz180

I'm a 20 year old girl with no job, no school, still at home, don't have many friends, everyone leaves me, no one keeps their promise of staying. This is where I can write how I feel without knowing who I am ????????

Why do I feel this way?

by secretz180 6/9/2016

written by secretz180

It will just come randomly. These sad empty feelings. I’ll be fine and the next second I’m crying and wanting to end it all again. I’m on medication but it doesn’t help me I still feel this way. It runs in my family and I will always have this nothing can be done about it. I’m going to suffer forever until I decided to kill myself. Which I know it’s only a matter of time.

Whenever I write on here I go to one subject to the next. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because of my ADD. I’m not sure but it’s very annoying, […]

6/9/2016 1 comment

Scared

by secretz180 10/19/2015

written by secretz180

I’m really scared that I will kill myself. When I’m in those moods I don’t care what happens at that time. I have no one to talk to, so I’m alone. I write on here to let the pain out. It helps a little. The main reason why am so depressed and have anxiety is because I’m fat and I lost all of my best friends. If I limit those two things I would be so happy. Loosing weight will be the hardest thing to do. I have a eating disorder, I guess. I get excited for food my day gets 100% better if we […]

10/19/2015 5 comments

Love

by secretz180 10/17/2015

written by secretz180

Ever since middle school I’ve always wanted a bf. Almost every night I would cry because I thought no one would ever love me. When I was 18, my best friend introduce me to a guy. We started emailing each other a lot. I get really bad anxiety but that one day I decided to meet him. He picked me up, all he wanted was sex. He kept pressuring me to do it so I felt like I had to. So I lost my virginity to him. He totally left me after that. I was heart broken and sad again. I met this guy on […]

10/17/2015 10 comments

I need help I think I’m going crazy!

by secretz180 10/16/2015

written by secretz180

As I lay awake at 4 am, I keep thinking and I hate it. My brain rushes with unwanted thoughts. It keeps bringing up everything I’ve ever done wrong in my life. It sometimes gets so bad I just start hitting myself on the head. Sometimes in my head I have this guy I call him Ryan, I imagine him to be a perfect guy. He tells me how ugly I am and that I’m nothing. I also think that I’m on this reality tv show and my made up in my head parents are looking at me watching my every move. Making sure I’m […]

10/16/2015 4 comments

I should be dead

by secretz180 9/15/2015

written by secretz180

On Friday night I overdosed on burpion, this time I didn’t even mean to. I thought I ran out of my 350mg so I took 4 150mg to equal it to 450mg. Instead I took 4 350mg. As soon as I found out I did that I was having a panic attack. I didn’t want to tell anyone, I didn’t want to bother anyone and I felt like I would get yelled at. So I just went into my living room and watched some YouTube videos. After 2 hours of waiting I finally felt the side effects. I felt like I could not breathe, my […]

9/15/2015 1 comment

I know

by secretz180 6/6/2015

written by secretz180

I’m such a sad girl that no one knows how I feel. Every single day I cry in my room wanting to end it all but to afraid. I’ve lost a lot of my best friends from this mental illness. Whenever I go somewhere I have sooo much anxiety it’s unbearable. All the medication I take and nothing works. I will never be fixed. I’m the only person in my family that’s broken. I’m just a waste of time and space. I’m socially awkward no matter where I am. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they will think I’m doing for attention. Or […]

6/6/2015 2 comments

September 2014

by secretz180 6/6/2015

written by secretz180

This will be my last note to everyone. I lay awake waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to text me, waiting for forgiveness, waiting…. That’s all I’ve done with my life. I’ve been waiting to end all of this. Everyday I wake up, I go to school because it’s easier not to think there. I’m sitting at a table where no one wants me there. I’ve gave up with wanting to fit into a group. When I’m not there no one thinks about me. No one loves me enough to call them theirs. Theirs no place for me here. I started thinking about […]

6/6/2015 1 comment

Enough

by secretz180 12/1/2014

written by secretz180

I’m so scared right now… I’m starting to get enough balls to actually commit suicide. 2 years ago I would never think I would cut myself, but I have. For the past two days I’ve been using a cord and putting it around my neck and choking myself. I take medication for depression but nothing seems to be working at all. I just want to die SOO bad. I feel like that’s what I am looking forward to. I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me anymore about this. I know I’m pushing him away… I just want to go.

12/1/2014 2 comments

Tired

by secretz180 11/29/2014

written by secretz180

Whenever my boyfriend doesn’t text me back because of his internet I get depressed really easy. It’s been a day and a few hours since the last time I spoke with him. He told me if I ever felt the need to cut myself again to message him. I did and he never answered back because of his internet. So I broke my promise again and I cut myself for the first time in 2 weeks. I miss him so much, I’m in love with him. I don’t want to loose him, I don’t want him running off because of me. I know I’m annoying, […]

11/29/2014 4 comments

Do you remember?

by secretz180 11/22/2014

written by secretz180

Do you remember when your breaking point was. When you finally couldn’t take all the darkness that you felt around you. The moment you let yourself down.. The moment when you didn’t give a shit if you died or lived. I remember it and I have the evidence for the rest of my existing life. I only cut myself on the left side of my wrist. Why ruin your other wrist. Just put the pain all in one spot at a time. Just look at your artwork of scars. I remember when the breaking point was. I promised my self I would never harm myself, […]

11/22/2014 1 comment

Suicide note

by secretz180 11/22/2014

written by secretz180

It wasnt always like this…. Growing up I thought I had the world, I had parents that loved me and loved each other… I had friends that no matter what where always their for me. Growing up I was always shy, and had low self esteem. But it didn’t get to me until I was 15. My mom cheated on my dad, she now has a new boyfriend who is mean. I lost all my friends, I pushed them away. I became depressed, suicidal, cutting myself, getting high, drinking, I wanted to die. I hated myself. I planned to do it multiple times, but every […]

11/22/2014 8 comments

A new beginning

by secretz180 11/22/2014

written by secretz180

Last year on December 9th I lost my virginty, to a guy I thought really liked me. We where talking over the summer and he was always busy. After many tries we finally saw each other. The place where we going to go was closed so he said lets just go to the park. He asked if I had any smokes, I told him no. So we went across the street and he made me pay for the cigs. As we got to the park it […]