I sort of hate being told this, I get told this fairly often…. about basically everything, by my closest friend…. I love him though, but he makes me feel so much worse about myself…. And so today I casually sent him a text telling him about what I did this morning, as he knows that I cut myself (that’s about all he knows of) and he gets really angry about it, and I knew he would see eventually so I would just much rather tell him over text instead of just surprising him with it in person…. He’s still probably going to yell at me […]
is almost 6am now, I haven’t slept…. about maybe 10-20 minutes ago my chances of a normal life probably just died…. I finally did it…. I cut my face, not just like one or two cuts like the last few times I tried this out, nope. This time I cut my face like I meant it like I really hate myself, made I think 6 cuts, a few of which are not really even cuts (super shallow) and a few decently deep, like they don’t look as deep as what I do on my arms, but I guess on face deep has a slightly different […]
So I’ve kind of been playing with my Xacto knife threw out the day today (well technically yesterday and today) Like during school even…. Pressing it gently against my skin and dragging it, poking at my hands a bit…. Nothing yet that has done much damage, just a few scratches don’t really want to actually hurt myself in public, and I’m sure my professors would be a bit upset about me randomly bleeding (yes some of this was during class) So now I am playing with it again…. At around 1am, this I doubt is going to end well…. I normally don’t use anything that […]
Ehhhh, haven’t vomited for a bit now, managed to keep down like 12 chips total now, like 6 before bed, and then 6 just now…. well I can’t really say I kept them down yet I guess…. I want to go back to bed, but I can’t sleep anymore, my side hurts so much…. my lower left side, it is like vibrating and hurts quite a bit and is making it really painful to walk and breath, the pharmacist I called said that I shouldn’t feel bad if I do go to an ER, but also he said that it really shouldn’t be anything that […]
Welp so tonight, I picked up my friend at about 11:30, we went to the store…. just got back (it’s about 3:30) yes AM, and this was in the evening…. and I had a good time. We went to Walmart, two Walmarts actually because the one in that city didn’t have my brand of juice which was mostly what I wanted…. then we went the sherries which I ended up paying for…. So basically I’m out of the $60 my father gave me…. so my worst fears are coming true, I’m going to have to dip into the “emergency” money that my sister gave me […]
So today I went to my sisters, was a birthday…. I as usual was the last to leave (I generally can’t build up the courage to tell them I want to leave so I just sort of stay until they mention it) the event was enjoyable, I like seeing my (much) older sister…. it became very uncomfortable near the end though…. My sister was questioning my living arrangement and was concerned that I get so very little money per week from my father and basically live alone…. She was concerned about how little food I had, which I feel that I had enough of, I […]
I decided that I wanted to draw something that was more or less in my style…. is a bit weird for me to use color, but I wanted to use those pens that I had for a long time…. didn’t worry about the color scheme or anything…. I think it looks okay…. This took me only like an hour and a half, which is actually fairly fast for a thing….
**** Just a slight warning, I do talk about animal abuse in this post…. just letting you know in case that is far to upsetting for you…. I’m sorry****
Grrrr I’m just annoyed…. I feel so uncomfortable, and worried about so many things…. My last week of school is next week, I have so very much to do. And fuck my ear…. My left ear felt clogged, so I decided to clean it out with drops and water and everything, NOPE that just made it worse, much much worse…. I am sort of tempted to just go digging around in it with an xacto knife, let’s see […]
I really want to cut myself right now, I keep thinking about it…. I have a thing tomorrow, I’m not that prepared, I should have prepared better it isn’t going to go well…. I’ve been eating too much food I’m going to gain a bunch of weight -_- I was sort of happy when I lost like 12 pounds when I was sick, which really is concerning, since I was barely 140 pounds before that…. I really should gain weight, but either way I should eat better…. two bags of Doritos in like one sitting probably isn’t great…. also with a can of store bought […]
welp I have finished it…. painted it up, didn’t quite get the textures I wanted, but I guess I can’t expect that with my second time painting on paper (it’s kind of like paper (Bristol board)) I removed some objects as it made it feel cluttered…. But on the same hand I moved the objects a bit closer to each other, and freed up space on the left, to just be there…. I really don’t like it, but then again I hate everything I do, […]
Today I had a pre good day, went places with people…. Spent all my money though sadly 🙁 but oh well…. we went to lunch, then went over to his house and played magic, then met up with some other people (broke a few little laws (i didn’t)) went to 7/11 bought myself a slurpee 😀 and went to burger king and was given cheap food (it was horrible, but free food is always good) then we went to another person’s house and played some cards against humanity (personally a game I do not like just due to boring gameplay (yes I also dislike apples to […]
I know I just posted today, but meh oh well…. I NEED to talk about this…. So I’ve been sick for awhile now, last Friday was at a point where I couldn’t even walk short distances without almost (or once actually) passing out…. I couldn’t really breath, I was coughing a lot, my throat hurt and I had body aches…. All that good stuffs…. so I made the trek out to my doctor on Friday (it wasn’t easy) and she gave me 875 mg of amoxicillin for me to take twice per day…. I’m feeling so much better now…. still coughing though, and still mostly […]
so this is what I sketched, I will be painting this…. Yes the sky in this (yes it is in open air) isn’t doing anything, mostly because I plan to paint that in a fairly abstract manner representing the sun to be somewhere in that circled area in the cornour (not the entire thing probably, and probably not even circular, that I mostly put there to sort of have an idea of where light is roughly coming from (not all objects follow that perfectly […]
Still sick, has been almost a week since I started the antibiotics (875mg of amoxicillin clavulante twice per day) and still feeling fairly horrible, like I can at least walk again without almost collapsing, also my throat doesn’t hurt as much anymore. However my lungs still burn a lot and I’m still coughing uncontrollably, I can’t speak as my voice is gone, and also can not even hear very well…. Is very annoying, but I guess at least I don’t have the fatigue. Meh I go to my counselor today, maybe I’ll bump down the meetings to once every two weeks today, that seems like it […]
So I do have things that I enjoy doing, yet I understand I will never be “good enough” at these things. Basically the one person that I told about these (because I wanted to try sharing these skills that I’m working on so I could improve further) told me that I shouldn’t work on these because they are a waste of time and that he knows I simply don’t have the “personality” to ever be somewhat decent at these. I’m curious if that means I should just not work on these again…. Should I just quit?
It is now past the deadline I set for a person to start talking to me again, I now know I will probably never speak to them again. Meh oh well…. Still worried about driving the other one away a bit further yesterday, but they should stay. There is one that I don’t really fear leaving as they are also horrible at meeting people, so that’s good I guess…. Broken friends are nice I guess, they’ll never leave you ^_^ (that sounds horrible really)
There are a few people in some of my classes I sort of want to try to develop a relationship with outside […]
I hate people, I wish I didn’t have “friends”
welp I really hope nobody I know IRL is hanging around here as they will know me right away just from this information…. But oh well -_- If they know me well enough to know this they know me well enough to know everything else basically….
But tonight I was sort of bored, couldn’t sleep…. So I decided to masturbate, I know this probably sounds normal to most, but for me this is a difficult thing, I’m not into sex. Porn doesn’t work…. and I maybe do this like 4 times a month (on a good month) I do however really REALLY, enjoy experiencing pain to […]
So today decided to try my hand at drawing human figures…. First time, not sure how I feel about them. But I was told to post sketches here, and I sort of want to share them…. What do ya’ll think? 😀 Do the proportions seem off? I’m not good with proportions with anything…. Also hands and feet suck so much, like how do they even look? Also heads…. Like why are they a thing? So clearly figure drawing isn’t my forte. But still sharing. 😀 I hope you all has good days
Welp so last week I got into a fight with one of the people from the old group of friends. They still haven’t said anything to me since then, so I assume we are no longer okay with each other…. Now I’m just down to two people and only one person that I see daily, which is probably going to end soon…. I really don’t want to go back to never talking to people again…. Also the quarter is over in a month, and that marks the end of a series of class that I’ve had for 2 years now, which means the people I […]