I hate life (more now)

Welp so last week I got into a fight with one of the people from the old group of friends. They still haven’t said anything to me since then, so I assume we are no longer okay with each other…. Now I’m just down to two people and only one person that I see daily, which is probably going to end soon…. I really don’t want to go back to never talking to people again…. Also the quarter is over in a month, and that marks the end of a series of class that I’ve had for 2 years now, which means the people I know (to a small extent) from that class will never be spoken to by me again…. I’ll miss them too. I still am not honest with my counselor, and I don’t know how to just state that I want to quit and give up on getting “better” as I know it just won’t happen. I haven’t cut myself for almost 2 months now, I really miss it…. I have an XACTO blade now (needed a hobby knife for class and have some spare blades hanging around) and I LOVE them so much…. They are what I did the most damage to myself with (although not something I have used nearly as much as other things) they are just great, they cut so deep so easily 😀 So I’m probably going to cut myself at least a little bit tonight…. It’s also strange as I’ve also sort of tried taking care of my self better too, started taking care of my skin and hair and trying to eat better…. Mostly I just learned that it takes a lot of time and money, and I don’t really look even slightly okay in anyway as a result to it, still ugly. So meh I may give up on that, but I will probably keep using scrubs and such on my skin in the shower every now and then (because they feel so good and are relaxing, and are actually with-in my price range if I keep making them) but meh that may be about it…. will probably drop back to showering like once or twice per month…. Grrrr I alwyas rant too…. I hate that about myself I’m just a tiny little *****. But at least I has some cough syrup in my closet (a couple bottles now) so if I decide I want to get a few nights of sleep I have the means for maybe 4. I really just want to scar up my face so very badly too, but I know that my life will change oh so very much if I do that…. I have yet been able to really overcome that fear and have been able to barely cut into my face, I doubt I could leave noticible scars…. All I left were a few very light scars under my left eye, which my hair mostly covers -_- Grrrr still hasn’t found anybody that I even have an interest in as a romantic partner. Like I know I wouldn’t ever actually pursue them but I still want to at least feel attraction or something towards anybody, it worries me that I don’t as I would love that sort of relationship, yet I’ve never felt that feeling 🙁 I had so much more I wanted to say but I do not even remember what they were now…. oh yeah I had question, which I think I’ll place into another paragraph so people who don’t want to read a rant have a slightly higher chance of maybe reading and answering it…. (clearly walls of text are my style)

Okay question lead in: So I’ve sort of been thinking more and more about why I have self harmed in the past, and also why I want to. Like very rarely for me has it been to relieve anxiety. A lot of it has been self punishment, which I can understand and makes sense to me…. But another reason I think is mostly because I want scars…. I really don’t understand why I want scars I hate them so very much. Like sometimes I think that maybe they make me ugly, or maybe they help me hate myself more or something, or maybe just help me feel slightly more justified about hating myself. But just having the feeling of wanting more scars has actually been the main drive currently for me to want to harm myself, and has been responsible for a lot of my past self harm I think….

so now my question: Is this at all understandable? Is this something that would be safe to bring up to my counselor? Would he get mad that I didn’t tell this to him a few months ago? Would he hate me for letting him think that I only ever cut due to anxiety? Is this even a thing that people experience, or am I just making random feelings up? I has no idea how to feel about this sort of thing at all…. -_-

But anyway, sorry I hasn’t been hanging around much here…. I have been trying to do so many different things, and I just hasn’t enough time to do any of them decently…. But thanks for your time ^_^ I hope that you have wonderful days. Also how are you all doing?