Tonight is the night my dreams come true. If I cannot have the woman I love, I cannot have anything. My plan no longer matters. I have a rough combination and can handle the pain, cause nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, can rival the pain she has put me through the last year. And still I love her with all my mind, body, heart and soul. This will obviously be my final posting. Mythological creatures don’t die, right? They live on forever. This Siren is about to disprove that mythological belief. I just can’t do it anymore. Not even time for the Siren’s final […]
Is it really selfish to kill oneself because you’ve had a lifetime of misery? Why is it ok to force someone to withstand many numerous years of unending misery to save a few people a few days or weeks of pain? I am a suicide survivor myself. I was 15 when my mother took her own life, and yes, I have remained angry with her for the last 13 years, but that was different. She had a 15 year old child and a 6 year old child she was responsible for. I have no children whatsoever, and don’t intend to have any. I recently tried […]
I can’t do this anymore.
So if I were to figure out a way to pinpoint an exact time of death I would probably go through with it. I would want it to be the exact moment the great Titanic slipped beneath the ocean surface. But since I know that is impossible I am forced to remain in this cursed waste of a life for a while longer.
So as I am sitting here thinking about all the crap I have in storage, I realize it is a lot of my childhood memories. Stuff I always dreamed I would someday have a kid of my own to give it all to. As I realize that this will never actually happen, I start to decide to give away my past, good or bad. So then I start thinking about the other stuff I own, and since I have been bouncing around between friends’s houses with no place really to call home, and no job in sight, I know I can’t get much by selling […]
I just moved in to a place where I can’t cut or physically harm myself in anyway. As dysfunctional as it seems, I moved in with my ex gf, her boyfriend, and their 4 kids. So on the plus side while i will still think about it, at least now I am in a place where I can’t talk about it, injure myself, or attempt suicide for now at least. Guess there is a silver lining in every cloud.
I woke up this morning with the one who walked away in my head. Then I had to see her. I can’t stop crying and I have a job interview in just under an hour. I really believe if I left this planet nobody would even notice at first. My Facebook friends would still be sending me game requests I am not answering anyway. My crew at the karaoke bar I frequent would go on drinking and singing. I doubt anyone would really even care.
The days keep getting harder and less fruitful. The nights are getting longer. Waking in cold sweats wondering why the curse continues. It is time to take back the control. I always said I do what I want when I want, so why haven’t I done it yet? Time to face that fear. Time to move on in the only way possible. I am so tired. I am so very, very tired. I hear the arguments from both sides. I weigh the pros and cons of either result. But again I am so very tired. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. When I […]
I have an obsession with darkness. In the dark or at night there is a calmness. Something you can’t see or touch. But it is there. Of course nights are also filled with pain. With the realization that the loneliness is never ending. I sometimes dread the night. Knowing I will be forever alone. Lost in the darkness. No comfort. No solutions. Just lost and alone throughout eternity. This isn’t a life. This is a curse.
I have never done this before but this seems like a safe enough place to talk without fear of being sent back to a hospital setting. I am 28 currently and have been fighting the urge for suicide since I was 12. That’s 16 years I have been thinking about it and trying. I can’t seem to do anything right, I can’t even kill myself right. My mom killed herself when I was 15 and secretly I have always felt partially responsible, considering she let me know as a small child how much of a disappointment I was. I was hospitalized when I was 12 […]