Living to Die?

I have never done this before but this seems like a safe enough place to talk without fear of being sent back to a hospital setting. I am 28 currently and have been fighting the urge for suicide since I was 12. That’s 16 years I have been thinking about it and trying. I can’t seem to do anything right, I can’t even kill myself right. My mom killed herself when I was 15 and secretly I have always felt partially responsible, considering she let me know as a small child how much of a disappointment I was. I was hospitalized when I was 12 and again when I was 14 for feeling this way, and I found out that my grandmother regrets allowing me to be sent away because I came back dark and morbid. i somewhat changed my obsession with suicide into an obsession with death. decorating everything from my room, to my computer, to my phone with images of skulls, skeletons, and blood. I honestly don’t know why I am still here. In 2005, when I was 22 I began dating a girl I fell in love with. But she abused me, cheated on me, and eventually left me, twice. When I finally chose to move on, I fell in love again in 2010. About a year after the ending of my 4 year abusive relationship. This time she was older than me, and she had 4 kids. we moved in together and stayed together for about 9 months. The relationship had it’s struggles. Her youngest two children hated me, because to them I had taken Mommy away from daddy. We were also both Scorpios so we butted heads a lot. But now, 6 months after the split, I can’t let go. She was semi emotionally abusive but we all get that way at times. At least she didn’t beat on me like. the other had. Loneliness killed my mother. Loneliness is killing my grandmother. And this loneliness is killing me. My best friend pointed out the other day that I have never been trying to live, but rather living to die, and these small moments of happiness are like speed bumps to an impending suicide. I hate to tell anyone how I feel because everyone’s answer is to send someone who feels like I do to a hospital. Nobody.just listens or talks anymore without threat of EPC. I have always said I WILL die by my own hand. I just don’t know how or when. My fear and inability to deal with pain has stopped me thus far as the common methods are painful, but I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into this black hole. I made the comment to my roommate this morning that I feel the time getting closer. I feel I will find the perfect way soon. I just want to be able to live and die my way. I want my ex back. I love her more than anything even still now almost 7 months after we split. I could see myself living if she would just return. There is nobody else. After 10 years out of the closet as an open lesbian I have even tried dating a guy, but I can’t ever feel about him how he feels about me. I don’t know what to do anymore.