I’m like a yoyo. My mind jumps from thinking about stabbing myself in the eye with a knife to seeing the beauty in my cats sleeping next to me. I’ll be enjoying a nice apple, cutting it with a knife and envision myself stabbing my right eye with it. Then I’ll admire my cats and how their tiny bodies breath and live and work, and their little hearts are pumping blood through their veins.
Thing is, I’m not even too bad rn. Ofcourse I’m getting worse as the 25th approaches, but not too suicidal yet. I just randomly think of mutilating myself. I’m so fucked. […]
I feel like committing suicide is the ultimate act of telling the world to fuck right off. In our society where everything is out of our hands and we are prisoners in a system where we have to “choose”, killing yourself is the only way out. We’re not free unless we’re dead. We’re not truly living, unless we’re dead. There has been an illusion, created to ease our minds, that we can take life in our own hands. We choose where to live, what to study, which job to practice, who we marry, if we have children, where we go, how we sleep, what we […]
Anybody else on here really bitter? I am.
The past 4 years now I’ve slowly but surely hardened and turned into this bitter person. I can feel it in my bones and my blood, how it’s there and it’s heavy. Somehow I’ve managed to cover it up with a sort of ‘normal’ persona, but I know how I am. It’s lurking in the depths of me, staying hidden for others to notice. But it’s there and I’m used to it now.
I have lost the ability to give any fucks about 99% of everyone I know. Of course my mother and father, family and friends […]
once all hope is lost, dying is merely a formality
This life has no point. Literally. Who cares if we live or die, what happens to us, where we go and what we do? Nobody, if we die we’ll be forgotten. Like everyone else. And it doesn’t matter if we are ‘good’ or ‘bad’, when we die we’ll be forgotten anyways. None of us make a difference in this world, we mean nothing.
All of humanity is pointless, the things we build and destroy. The love we hold and grudges we keep, the villages we’ve built over the years, the cities we’ve made and the history we’ve written. Rulers, poor people, villains, heroes, regular people, […]
Sometimes my sarcastic ass laughs at how ironic life is.
Will you ever have something good without it being taken away? Or ever feel happy without having it backlash in your face? Have something beautiful in life, which won’t be ripped from your hands?
Ofcourse not. Happiness is temporary. And sure, so is sadness. Only sadness sticks to you a lot longer than happiness. It’s because we, humans, are pathetic. Fuck we’re all useless little shits.
Oh hey it’s me again, bitching about the shit thing we call ourselves and our lives and what not.
I’ve been pretty fucking pissed off lately. Because I fucking hate […]
Like you can read, I’m fucking appalled.
By life, by this whole stupid fucking thing. I am so incredibly angry, I feel furious. There’s fire running through my veins, pumping through my limbs. My heart is literally spewing it out, all the heat and fire, the rage inside of me is real and it’s eating me alive.
My brain is just as bad. It hurts from thinking and doubting and not knowing anything. There are no certainties in life, not apart from dying. FUCK.
I’m so done with living. This sounds so cliché it hurts, but oh well it’s the truth. I’ve been crying and […]
not to wish death or bad things upon other people. Especially when you’ve been through something life changing and heartbreaking yourself. Like me, because something bad happened to me, I (supposedly) can’t wish bad things on other people.
Bullshit. I do.
I have a number of people who have hurt my brother and done unforgivable things to him, as well as people doing unbelievable things to me after he died. I have never forgiven them for it, even if they have apologized. And you know what? I hope they pay for what they’ve done to him and me, from the deepest part of my soul.
I sure as hell didn’t.
That’s the tragedy about stories like mine: nobody saw it coming. Nobody saw how deeply and utterly lost and saddened my brother really was, how lonely and abandoned he felt, how angry he was at the world for leaving him and disappointing him.
Not his teachers, who saw him in school every day. They saw how he hated being there, how he was disgusted by how they treated the kids because the “teacher is always right”. How the principle was so unfair to everyone, the only way was their way. But they didn’t think much of it, because that’s just […]
It does, literally.
I’m back here 2 years after the first time I logged onto this site.
In September it’ll have been 4 years since my brother killed himself. There’s no way of telling how it’ll hit me this year. Sometimes I don’t wanna move an inch and stay in bed all day and cry because I miss him so much it tears my soul apart, I can literally feel something so deep inside of me being torn to pieces. Sometimes I get up early and wanna do a hunderd things that day, as if that is the day he’s closest to me so I have […]
Hi (again),
This is my first post since the one I made somewhere in Octobre 2014, where i said i’d probably kill myself on Sunday. My brothers suicide, loneliness, school, stress and general depression were wrecking me.
Needless to say, i didn’t succeed. Alot has happened since then. Ah, where do i even start?
Okay so things were shit then (still are now so that’s stayed the same) and i felt very very very suicidal. My self harming had gotten pretty bad and i was making solid plans of killing myself.
I never mentioned this, but somewhere around a year ago i developped an eating […]
This is it, my limits have been overrun by such bad feelings and thoughts.
I have never felt this bad in my whole entire life, this is consuming me and i don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Everyone i have turned to for help, has just ignored the fact i’m very suicidal or minimalised how i feel. They don’t take me serious, they underestimate how bad i feel and how suicidal i am and how badly i want to die. Even my therapist ignored the fact i’m suicidal, even though i told her everything.
Nobody wants to help me. I see that now.
My […]
Only 10 days left until the 2 year mark. Wow. This slaps me right in the face, even though I’ve seen it coming for months now. Ah man, this month is flying and the 25th is gonna be here before i even realise and it’s gonna hit me, just like last year.
And then five days after the 25th, it’s our birthday. Oh i don’t want another birthday without my brother, he should be turning 19 wow what? I don’t want to turn 17 if he’s not here with me to turn 19.
I really don’t want to. I dont wanna ‘celebrate’ anything and people are […]
Ah man, the 2 year mark is closing in on me. It’s gonna be here so fast, i don’t even have proper time to prepare myself. It’ll just hit me, like everything hits me.
Like the memories that creep in, late at night. Or the details i don’t want to forget. Or the feelings, the emotions, every little thing my heart and soul feel. It always hits me, when i’m least prepared. Late nights, lonely late nights.
There’s still so much sadness.
And then there’s anger.
Because for fucks sake, i hate it when people ask if “im over it yet”. Or when people say we […]
Okay so it’s late here and I’m wide awake, lying in bed and i’m unable to fall asleep.
I was doing okay today and then suddenly, at about midnight, it hit me again. The sadness and emptiness and pain, everything just hit me again. How my brother is not here, in his room above me. And it’s still so unreal, still, after a year and a half. I still sometimes wonder if this isn’t just some nightmare. Because how can it be gone? How can a life that has been built up over almost 16 years be gone in 1 second? I just can’t wrap my […]
After being home for a week, I had to go back to school today.
It was such an extremely long day, every hour was like an eternity. I was so tired I almost fell alseep during French, I was really fighting to stay awake. I also saw my friends back for the first time in a week. My best ones are together in another class and I’m stuck with two girls who will, from time to time, say they love me or send me a text, but nothing more. They don’t talk alot to me in class or during the day, they always wait for eachother, […]
I have to write this down or let anyone know, it just has to be off my chest.
I feel so goddamn lonely, like nobody really gives two shits about me. I know it’s not true, yet I can never seem to shake the feeling. It just seems like everyone forgets about me, like I’m not important to anyone. My friends are all just moving on so fast and forgetting about me, while I’m still stuck in the pain and grief over my brothers suicide. They don’t understand me but also never seem to try. They’re all leaving me behind and I’m so scared. I have […]
Have to get this off my chest.
It’s eleven months ago today. Eleven months since he killed himself, my dear brother.
You know, the longest I ever had to miss him was 10 days. That was when he left for a camp with a youth movement. And I remember missing him so badly, I just couldn’t wait to see him again. I still can’t believe he’s not coming back now, I mean, how can he be gone? How can a life, built up over 16 long years, just disappear in a second?
If a stranger would come in our house, they wouldn’t even know he’s not […]
I’m sorry for the upcoming vent, I need to get it out.
So, I really want to kill myself right now.
I just miss my brother like hell, ever since he took his own life about 10 months ago, i haven’t been happy. Time drags me through life but i don’t want to. I don’t want to move on because it feels like forgetting. And I hate myself because i feel like i’m already starting to forget how exactly his voice sounded or how his smile was. He was my everything, besides my brother also my best friend.
Then besides that, i feel so lonely. It […]
This is the first time I post something on here but I feel like I’m finally ready to do something like this. For this first post I think I’m just gonna tell my story, I need to get it off my chest.
On the 30 of September 17 years ago my brother was born. And 2 years later on his birthday, I was born. We always shared our birthday and it was something really special. Me and my brother were always close, like few brothers and sisters are. Besides being my brother, he was also my best friend.
But it all ended on the 25 […]
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