Author

teardownthewall

I'm a 21 year old young woman that lives in rural Ohio. I'm here because I want to die and still here because I can't. Love and Peace

The End of the Line

by teardownthewall 9/14/2014

written by teardownthewall

I left for a while because I thought my life was getting better. I had my suicide planned but didn’t go through with it. My financial situation improved and things were almost looking up. Mom’s health has been returning and some of the people living with us moved out.

But then I received a dose of soul crushing reality today that just threw me right back to the end of the line. I made a post about this before but here’s a recap : I’ve never had luck with love. My love has mostly been unrequited. I’ve been in love for the past two years […]

9/14/2014 4 comments

No God – Jesse Gunn

by teardownthewall 8/21/2014

written by teardownthewall

the popes got it wrong
when theres no more ozone
we will see the falacy
with our last breath

we’re all going to hell
with no water to quench the smell
inhaled in a blind hurry
a dead man walking at a feast

and our apologies won’t mean a thing
the childrens eyes will shame every human being
each passive one of us a sentencing
but the law rarely gets you for doing nothing

what we have done
knows no logical bounds
we have spoiled the earth
we gangrape the ground

when our plans got botched
we just stood by and watched
we can not explain away
everyone knew […]

8/21/2014 2 comments

Internal Conflict

by teardownthewall 8/21/2014

written by teardownthewall

I would consider myself to be an intelligent person. I’ve always sought to understand how and why things are and gravitated towards reading challenging books at a young age. In Middle School I was reading books like The Count of Monte Cristo and Watership Down. By Highschool I was obsessed with authors like Alan Moore, Ray Bradbury, George Owell and Auldous Huxley. Now I’ve been clinging to Ayn Rand like she’s my own mother. It’s because of these people and the books they wrote that I’ve been instilled with a deep sense of morality and individualism. They kept me going long after I couldn’t and […]

8/21/2014 2 comments

An Old Poem

by teardownthewall 8/19/2014

written by teardownthewall

I was looking through my old writings and found this. Just thought I’d post it.

I didn’t lose.
I didn’t lose for sure.

I never wanted to consume
something so horrible.
I never wanted to get shaken
by spoiled thoughts.

I fought.
I fought for all the rights
that concern me.

I did not lose.
I won.
I won and kept on living.

My friends have lost.
I kicked them to the ground and broke their bones so that they may never want me.
My family has lost.
I sent them away in my heart to avoid the pain of reality.
My loss came to my form.
I have hit […]

8/19/2014 0 comment

Unrequited Love

by teardownthewall 8/18/2014

written by teardownthewall

I’ve never had much luck with love. It seems that every time I fall for someone, they can’t reciprocate my feelings. I had a girlfriend I really loved when I was younger, from the age of 12 to 13, but I became a phase to her and so she left me. After that I had a few relationships in middleschool and college but I was just settling for people I knew I didn’t love simply because I didn’t want to be alone. I’ve had a few people proclaim their love for me and it always makes me feel terrible when I don’t feel that way […]

8/18/2014 1 comment

We Are All Legends

by teardownthewall 8/17/2014

written by teardownthewall

I saw someone write that they are Sisyphus and I thought it was poetically fitting for people in our condition. I myself am Atlas, damned to carry the world on my shoulders without given a moment to shrug. We are all legends and gods in our own right. Perhaps that’s why our deaths are so tragic.

I’ve finally decided to take that final step and let the world roll from my shoulders. I’ll give myself a month to tie loose ends and let my family adapt. I told them I’ll be leaving in a month. They think I’m just going to move away, having no idea. […]

8/17/2014 4 comments

So Fucking Done

by teardownthewall 8/16/2014

written by teardownthewall

I’m so fucking done with this household and this “family”. I’m tired of being taken advantage of, of being the only one that works, the only one that keeps the fucking lights on, the only one that carries the fucking world on their shoulders and is still expected to do everything. I haven’t even gotten the chance to sleep today, fuck I’ve only gotten four hours to carry me the last 24 hours! But no, they still need me to do more and run all their god damn errands and run their welfare asses around like I’m their god damn taxi driver. They can all […]

8/16/2014 4 comments

Music to Die to

by teardownthewall 8/13/2014

written by teardownthewall

The most important part of planning or imagining suicide (to me) is knowing what music will lull you to your final rest. I realize it may seem like an insignificant and even petty detail but don’t you think the last thing you experience should be the soothing beauty of your favorite music?

What song(s) will you leave as your final farewell?

I personally would like to hear Pink Floyd when I die. I imagine that before I act, I’ll listen to Comfortably Numb and Brain Damage and then, as I’m waiting for my method to take effect, I’ll listen to Goodbye Blue Sky, the last sound to […]

8/13/2014 10 comments

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

by teardownthewall 8/13/2014

written by teardownthewall

Beautifully Fitting Music

I would like to share with you all a moment in my life where I felt the value of living.

I am a big fan of comic books. When I was younger I would consume manga (Japanese comics) which led to my later love in life of American graphic novels and great American literature in general. My favorite graphic novelist is Alan Moore. If you’ve never heard of him I’m sure you’ve heard of some of his works. He’s the mind behind the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, V for Vendetta, From Hell, Lost Girls, the Killing Joke, and Watchmen. He’s a wonderful man […]

8/13/2014 1 comment

Too Much

by teardownthewall 8/13/2014

written by teardownthewall

I want to die but I can’t. I still have people that need me to make money, too many people that need me to live. I’m not selfish enough to leave them with nothing. I don’t want them to suffer and die with me. I just want to die alone. So I have to live for them but it’s only the hollow shell of a life I’ve never really lived.

I’m still very young. I know this. At the age of 21 I should not be this hateful, this cynical, this forlorn, this lonely. But I am. I suppose I’ve always been unhappy. I’ve always been […]

8/13/2014 8 comments