Hi there, I know I come and go every few months, basically I am back because I think I am losing my myself at a very slow pace but it is still very scary. I moved a few years back and I have not found a good shrink and I had such bad luck with the one I found ( who was telling me things like ” life is beautiful” , ” I think you actually feel better than you think ” all this crap meaning ” stop complaining and go on with your life) that I am no longer considering therapy. Thing is […]
Have you ever had a remission? Well that happened to me for about 8 months. Problem is, I got in trouble with my school and failed my year at college. So I forced myself to think I was okay, I am no longer depressed I ll manage. First I got stomach aches. Tjen I had suicidal thoughts now and then. Then I started to sleep 12 hours a day. Then I realised whatever I do during a day I m always exhausted. Then I lost appetite and 7 pounds in two weeks ( I weigh a bit less than a 100…). Then I cut […]
Here I am again. Not working knowing that I m already late and already risking to be banned from college it I don’t bu I m so stressed out I prefer to ignore it until I can’t and it gets even worse. Telling my life is bad but not doing enough to change it. Being so tired of doing nothing talking to much and way to fast and loud about boring subjects trying to hide my emotional stare but making it worse. Even my mom noticed that I m acting super weird and she s the blind type. Feel like I m going to collapse […]
Hi there,
Do you know that feeling when you so stressed you want to kill yourself but same time you don’t? When you feel everything and the opposite? It s kind of what’s happening to me this 4 last week of my wonderful life. I had an internship and people out so much pressure on me that though I finished it yesterday it is currently 5 am in my country and I woke up with a panic attack and suicidal thoughts. I almost wanted to laugh, too much irony there, I mean two months ago I was like ” everything is so much […]
When nothing means less to you then the existence
Of your spongy puppet covered by a dirty flesh,
That fear and pain are gradually wringing for no good reason
Just remember the butterfly’s dance in front of you,
Look at his fragile wings piercing the sky with their pastel colours.
And let that memory make your frozen heart fly far in the summer,
Away from the cold reality, only during a blink.
For butterflies are ephemeral but butterflies live free.
Don’t know what’s going on. Everything outside seems to be perfectly fine. Got people to stay with and have fun, a nice room next to the university, finished my first year. But I’m just falling apart. Feels like Death is coming to me and I’m knocking on heaven’s door. Just realize if things go real bad, nobody’s there and all I got is the “be positive”, ” be better” “be something else” speech. But I just can’t and the pain of my bad memories and thoughts, completely paralises me, make each single one of my muscles burns. My head is a cathedral and the […]
I ve crossed the border as I was afraid it would happen one day. Tried to work so hard on my exams but then everything went out of control. Couldn think, it was to painful, so I overmedicated in order to sleep. But when I woke up everything was still the same and thought I know my life has gotten a little better can t handle it anymore. So I guess that s more or less the end and it s a shame but as nothings works anymore, my life is even emptier as my death will.
Sometimes I can no longer cope with anxiety and dark images/feelings in my head so I hurt myself, I waste time, I waste opportunities, I waste myself. I once was a rather clever child but now I am stupid distracted and numbed by all my fears. An ancient monster from the past, doing really dirty things. But I’m afraid of making him human so I did’nt ask for his name. My mother want this story to be burried and forgotten but I don’t no what to do. I hate him and I hate myself at the same time, and I wish he could fall and […]
“You should try and see that things are not that bad”. How many of us have been told they should try to be satisfied of their life? I don’t know how many time people reproach me that I was not happy. After all, I graduated from highschool, I went in to university I wanted to, I even managed to have friends. .. Maybe they are sick of seing me so pale, so stressed out, so weak I can understand they don’t want to take the risk of being unhappy themselves. But sometimes I’m so mentally tired of dealing with my pseudo normal life and normal […]
It is automn and I am five. I m a lonely child, my friend are more ghost I created than real ones. I m thinking about death. Dad is dead. I I m wondering were his soul is and if his body is eaten by worms. But I now I m not supposed to ask myself this questions so as Mom asked I just smile and say “hello” to the all lady speaking to a grave.
AI m 8 and Mom says I will have a new father. He gave me a beautiful doll and de hide together in the moutains. I love him as I […]